Coping with Hate Speech/Crime

It’s an important topic. In my school of last year, I often heard homophobic speech of other student, in the most random way possible, it was never as a result of anyone being LGBTQ+ since nobody were outed to them.
One time, my friends try to argue with one of the homophobic that they were stupid, illogical, etc… it didn’t work and he continues to say that homosexuel should die, stuff like that. I punched him (he wasn’t badly hurt, I’m not strong). He was too surprised to react.
Usually, when I heard those kind of hate speech, I just ran away or continue my activity like I have heard nothing and I avoid those persons after that. Sometime I told them that it’s very gay to care that much about gay people. It annoyed them a lot.
I’ve never been confronted to a hate crime, but I heard a lot of hate speech, once a month easily. People who literally come into a room to say something homophonic and go. I never understood that.
I don’t think my strategy are really good, but I didn’t get trouble for that. I hope it’s going to stop in my new school…

 

I've seen this show up as microaggressions. Maybe more than microaggressions.

I think that microaggressions might fly under the radar because they can be vague. The comments I've heard were somewhat vague but not vague enough. They were meant to sting.

Outright disapproval and criticism that's not constructive is harmful. We've read the stories about this when it happens within the family and people are rejected. That might be the worst situation.

We can't overlook microaggressions that could make school, work, or social circles uncomfortable places and pull down performance and involvement. People seem to zero in on any dirt they can find on people or are suspicious about and keep pushing that button. In an ideal world, we can get them disciplined and be made to stop, but it's not always that cut and dried.

 

being brown in europe and gay, I'm kind of used to having my right to exist being up for debate. I'm lucky enough not to have ever witnessed or suffered any physical aggression.

That said I'm kind of a loud mouth that doubles as a nerd. So when in a context in which I'm closeted and don't feel in danger, I'll generally try to speak up when someone is being hateful. People will tend to put it on my being weird rather than suspect I'm gay.
And when in a context in which I'm out, I'll be as smug as I can.

If I feel that I'm, in any way, in danger. Be that physically or socially. I'll usually keep my mouth shut and keep going.

That said, one mistake that's often made when debating those pricks is to stay factual and to assume that being right and having the science to back it up will work to convince the prick and the people around. Truth is, it's a spectacle and most of the time these people know they're wrong and don't care a bit. You have to ridicule them and make them feel like they're the one that's risking becoming a social outcast if they keep it up.

 

Hateful, racist, or homophobic comments are hurtful and not something to be taken lightly. While they should not be ignored. A person however should react In whatever way that feels comfortable to them because these people are trying to send messages to provoke a certain response and the angrier one gets the more satisfied they become because they feel that they have accomplished their goal. One should be calm express disbelief or displeasure with a smart but nuanced statement just enough to stop them in tracks no more no less. I think that those people are projecting their own insecurities, homophobia or internalized homophobia because they are angry about something in themselves. If we get carried away and repeat their tirade. We will give them the upper hand.

Sometimes, people use micro aggressions or vague remarks as someone else mentioned, but these at best are weak and can be ignored.

While I have never heard these directed at me personally. One time I heard one person in conversation saying to another. “That’s so gay” or don’t be so gay. I wanted to reach out and punch him in the face. But I didn’t want to cause a scene in public because I don’t even know those people maybe they are used to saying those words to each other to make them feel good about themselves in some arrogant way or to affirm their masculinity in some weird way. That’s something they have to work on because honestly they need therapy.
But if someone was to say this to my face they would never hear the end of it.

 

This hit close to home. I’m often afraid that I’m going to waste my life because I’m going to stay afraid forever of the world and other people. I like to thought that this fear will disappear when I’ll grew up but if adults are afraid too, I don’t know if I can evolve.

 

I'd bet that, without projecting much, a lot of people in here are terminally online. The internet is great and all, but your brain ain't made for such a constant and quick influx of informations. Add to that that algorithms are made to promote content that's gonna generate engagement. And you have a recipe for a disproportionate amount of hateful data coming your way.
The world is tough enough a place as it is, but social media keep on showing a warped vista of it.

A way to cope is to "unfollow" those feeds and streams that keep on bombarding you with the image of big bad world that's gonna hurt you.
A few rules I've tried to make myself follow are :

-following as few "political for clout" accounts as possible.
Some people spend their day debating bigots online or sharing the worst news they can find. While they may be right in their discourse, they bring a lot of heavy stuff to your attention.

-always wait 30 seconds before replying to anything online.
turns out that most of the time, you don't want to and don't have anything to gain from answering. I'm sorry to tell you, but no amount of debating is gonna convince @utahjazzfan4783246 and @griffithdidnothingwrong1337.

-try and see the good in people.
we tend to hold people to a very high standard and often miss the big picture. for example someone may have said something homophobic, but they don't actually engage in active homophobia. it may hurt, a lot even, but that doesn't mean this person hates you. often, people just don't know better. And realising it helps a lot, cause while the world is still a hostile place, the whole world doesn't hate you.
Despite the current backlashes queer people are facing, overall, it's still getting better. And new generations are way more open to queer people than in the last 80 years or so. it's not perfect, and we shouldn't feel satisfied, but we have to see and acknowledge the improvements that have been made to ourselves. If only to remind yourself that things can get better.

-socialise with people that share similar experiences
while trapping yourself in an echochamber is the last thing you wanna do, you should still try to find people that have similar experiences to yours. you're gonna feel way less lonely when facing hardships, knowing that other people have and they're still going strong. They can even help, or you can help them

-help a queer out by helping your own ass
Focus on yourself, your goals and your wellbeing. I don't mean to tell you to become egotistical. A lot of the despair we face is due to our own helplessness. Go and become a stronger person, try to become as powerful a person you can and are willing to be (socially, moneywise etc...). Once strong enough, you'll be able to help people way better and will feel safer.
This one is not an overnight process, but it can be the driving force behind you carrying on.

Some of these rules may not work for you, I'm no self help guru, I'm no mentally stable individual. I just know that these things help me. And if they can help you, that's all the better.

 

Very nicely put! There is a ton of great advice here.

I like the look for the good not the bad in people point of view. Yes, sometimes it is harder to find the good than the bad. I also try to keep things in perspective when confronted with micro-agressions. Is this really the true them, or are they spewing the pablum that is currently acceptable in their primary circles. I also remind myself that I too had a lot of self induced homophobia and that many of those that spew homophobic jokes, phrases, or speach may be in denial themselves to the point of defending that denial with outward signs of homophobia.

While these practices should be nipped in the bud, watch your own violence and hate toward these individuals. You do not know where they are coming from and by completely wrinting them off as the enemy, you will never have them as an ally. Is it not us that are breaking out of our boxes of unacceptance? Why would we want to put others in their own boxes, regardeless of what that box is.

After saying all of this, I also am trying to be less tolerant of homophobic agressions. Whether micro or macro, I try to chalenge it when safe to do so. Most times, at least in my experience it is safe. At least in the crowds I frequent it is. I do not chalenge as an LGBTQIA+ warrior. I chanlenge as one human to another human. And if it is truly just a pure dick, being a dick. My vocabulary and wit are pretty flipping strong and it is not to hard to belittle the flipping bastages. I am the nicest cudly bear, until you poke me with a stick to many times.

 

How do I cope with it? Well, reminding myself that we are going through a time of systemic change in human society. In simple terms western societies are gradually changing from ones where white cis hetero men hold all the power to ones where (hopefully) that power is dispersed more widely amongst all of us. To be blunt, they (white cis hetero men) don't like it up 'em. So they are lashing out. And we, as LGTBQ+ people, are in the front line of that backlash.

In the long term they are going to lose and we are going to win. In simple demographic terms it's inevitable. But during this in-between period there will be a great amount of gnashing and weeping and trauma.

I'm lucky - I live in liberal south London. But my heart goes out to all of you that don't live in hospitable environments. Lydia is right though, the more of us there are who live out lives, the less able they are able to 'other' us. The concept of being trans/gay/lesbian/ bi/queer ceases to be strange and scary as soon as we know someone who is one of those things. In this sense living a 'normal' out life in the community is a political act, a tiny victory in the long struggle for freedom for all of humanity.

Beth x

 

This is one of the reasons why I'm still mostly in the closet. It pisses me off that sometimes it's the best way for achieving peace and quiet but on the flipside not being able to live how me want. Almost a can't win scenario

 

So a catholic comes up to me and starts screaming at me cause I am wearing a rainbow hair clip saying stuff like stop supporting the gays they are going to hell you are letting sin in your life I am not even thinking of being bigender at the time so the way I find to shut them up is to say love thy neighbor

 

All the gays are going to hell, well sign me up. Along with heavy metal and rock music I think we'll all have an epic fabulous time

 

People like this give Christianity and Christians a bad name. Please do not confuse jackasses like this as Christians. They may call themselves this, but that does not make them that. We are all very familiar with jackasses that repeat a false statement so much they believe it to be true and convince others of a gullible nature that they speak the truth.

I already have an assigned seat! Many of my friends will be there too. Would you like me to set one aside for you. It's fixin' to be a hell of a shindig!

 

Absolutely, sounds fun haha

 

Usually with humor and heavy amounts of sarcasm, but I am big enough few people would take a swing at me in the first place if they don't find my humor funny.

You do have to kind of know your audience and surroundings. As some people will never change their mind no matter what. Ridiculing them enough might get them to shut up, but they won't change their mind.