I've realised recently that while I temporarily struggled with a really bad depression, the real problem is my constant anxiety. Which I've had my whole life and it's ruining me. When I was a little kid, I kept having horrifying nightmares of my whole family dying because our house would catch fire or similar scenarios. The adult version of this I have to this day is that I get this horrible feeling in my stomach out of nowhere and I start thinking about what horrible thing could've happened to someone I love. Car accident? Kidnapping? Murder? Suddenly everything is more likely than that they're currently going about their day as usual. And whenever that happens, I feel like any action of mine could doom someone I love. Like, if I do this fun thing, my mother won't ever come home from work. Or if I lie about this minor detail at work, my best friend will randomly decide to move away. This doesn't happen all the time but still way too often. Even on a good, happy day I still spend way too much time worrying about random shit, most of which I can't change anyway. As soon as I leave the house, I feel like everyone's staring at me. I can only bear all the sounds and people when I listen to music. I'm also scared of driving a car because what if I get in an accident, or worse, what if I cause an accident? What if I accidentally kill someone? These thoughts keep swirling in my mind and it's making me miss so many opportunities. There are so many events I didn't go to because I was scared. I've noticed that it gets better whenever I'm busy and have a routine because I have less time to worry and tend to just do things. But I'll go to uni soon where there will be hardly anything I have to do, just things I should do. I won't have to attend the lectures but I should if I want to get a good grade, for example. And I know myself, I can already see myself skipping them because there's too many people. And I see myself not going to parties and events and all of that would make it difficult to make new friends. Which I desperately want. I've tried therapy and I think I probably should go there again. But I didn't have the best experience last time and this past year I did change a lot of things for the better without therapy. You may think I'm miserable after reading this but actually I'm happier than I've been in a long, long time. I beat my depression and learned a lot of things. So maybe I can do this on my own? I just want to worry less, just enough so I can have a healthy social life and actually make new friends and maybe even fall in love. I don't even know what I'm asking here. Maybe someone feels the same? Or felt the same and found a solution? Maybe I just need to hear a million times that I should really go to therapy again? Maybe I just needed to vent.
Compared to what you experience, my anxiety is milder but I get the feeling of just always beein worried about something. Its just exhausting. For me, I had to stop trying to be anxious. I will always just be anxious and I'm slowly starting to be okay with that, but I'm focusing on how to cope with it instead of making it stop. Right now I'm fairly good at dissociating the anxiety from myself. Its helpful for me to think of the anxious thoughts as the little devil on your shoulder. Yes, its annoying, but if the anxiety isn't part of you then you can also learn how to ignore it. I'm also getting better at letting people around me know when an attach is about to happen or happening. "Hey, its going to happen so just reassure me when I ask alright?". The husband is really getting good at replying to my "This is alright and all in my head?" I'm currently looking for a new therapist and hating the process. Its the most annoying process of them all BUT YES got to therapy!! You need help. Its okay to need help, we all do. Go learn some ways to cope with the annoying thoughts
It's nice you have your husband in your support system, such things help a lot. I've only gotten better when I started talking about my problems with people. I still struggle with it but keeping it in really doesn't help at all. And yeah, looking for a therapist sucks, especially if you aren't straight. I'm lucky I live in Germany and won't have to pay for it at least but you still have to wait months to even have your first session here and then there's the whole getting to know them and finding out if they're the right therapist for you. I easily give up, my last therapist wasn't right for me and the thought of searching again is so daunting. But I do know you're right, I really should go to therapy again
