Confused , at times. I am in my 60s now. Ok so my first sexual experience was around age 14 or so, me and two other boys of about same age played around with each other for about 2 years or so. Started out with nervous touching, but quickly turned into sucking fucking, etc. We'd look at playboys to get amped up then do each other. There were 3 of us, but I was really into this one boy Tommy. I still think about those days sometimes. Thing is, these two boys were really A holes as friends I thought our "secret" would make us closer but they were users. Who ever had the coolest mini bike or what ever they would be friends with and not be shitty to me, unless we were fucking. They eventually moved away, that was that. Fast forward, life went on, i had multiple girl friends over the years, was into girls, liked it. Then when i was around 19-20 i hooked up with Tommy , at a party, one thing led to another , we went to our old garage fort, while driving there I had a raging hard on and I am sure he did to. We did it, sucked each other off, and before I came, I was into it, big time, but once I cummed I was like Hell no, what I just did was gross!! Get me out of here. I have dream of this boy, Tommy over the years, we always "almost" have some kind of sex but something always ends up preventing it from happening in the dream. Someone knocks at the door, or he plays hard to get, something always prevents it from happening But me in the dream wants it. Ive fantasied about my path and Tommie's crossing at a chance encounter and if he was not all fat and gross looking,, maybe having sex with him, but that's highly unlikely to happen. Not sure If I would or not if that did happen. And again once i got off, I would be like OK SEE YA. BYE. So I had a long term relationship with a women for 25+ years, she passed several years ago, I love her deeply, we had a strong emotional connection, miss her all the time. At times over the year I would look at gay porn once in a while, get turned on by it, but: Thing is, they have to be very skinny, feminine, completely shaved, or passable shemales, or CD's for it to work for me. So I would jerk off to gay porn but once I cummed, It is always like "well glad that wasn't real, because if I were here with a real person this would be uncomfortable", I would be heading for the door once the sex is done. Or If I did have sex with a guy , it would just be that, sex a fuck, no emotional intimacy, no cuddling. IT would be like OK see ya, bye. ( with girls it's just the opposite for me, love to cuddle, hold her etc). Macho hairy gay, is gross to me. I look at guys on the street and 99.% of them would be a no in terms of me wanting to have sex with them. Again for it to work for me they would have to be feminine, looking, shaved, Passable for a girl, CD or Trans. Like you see on porn sites. Unrealistic I know. So the issue is this: Why do i have this inkling for gay sex with a feminine type guy and can't seem to let it go? Why is it before I cum, I am into it, but once I do, it's like. NO, glad that wasn't real, no thanks. ? And Wish it was a girl?
Nash.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBT folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who may have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. I don't think I can answer your questions...many times the answers to our questions lie within us. I don't mean to sound all "therapy", but it's often true. It's possible that the experiences of your youth are still having an effect on your attractions today. Then again I could be dead wrong! People are complicated. Have you considered finding a therapist that works with the LGBTQ Community? I know that talking to a therapist was one of the best decisions that I ever made. He helped me work through a lot of difficult things from my past/youth. I hope you'll find some folks here who can give you some support and suggestions. There are a lot of us who have been through things in our youth that are still with us now. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
