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Confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Feuer445, Apr 22, 2023.

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  1. Feuer445

    Feuer445
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    This is going to be a little lengthy and might seem like incoherent rambling. Anyways, I thought of myself as straight for as long as I can remember and always wanted to be with a girl and settle down with a family and all that.

    In 2020 I think around October I was high and watched some female POV porn to try something new and I finished incredibly quick and right when I finished I got the thought "Does this mean I'm gay?" I was able to shrug it off for the rest of the night by thinking to myself I was maybe just bi and I don't have to go for men. However, the next day it went downhill FAST and ever since then most of my days are preoccupied with worrying about being gay and constantly checking and testing.


    Recently as of this year I was able to ejaculate to a gay porn video and I have been able to get half erections to gay hentai videos which is making me really distraught and I'm beginning to think the only reason I ever liked straight porn was to see a penis and I find it really hard to masturbate with just my imagination for the same reasons as using porn because I get a distressing thought or something like that during it which seems to make me feel like orgasming faster or even make me orgasm faster.

    Also when I tested today I was watching a gay porn video to see if I could get an erection again and I started analyzing the video and what was happening I started to feel tingling in my penis and it started to get erect. I'm so lost and confused about all this. I went to see a psychiatrist for possible OCD in other aspects in my life without mentioning my sexual obsessions and she says I do display a lot of OCD tendencies, but I don't even think that OCD can do this like it feels like I legitimately want it
     
    #1 Feuer445, Apr 22, 2023
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    This is OCD. Without question. It is a classic presentation.

    Unfortunately, the way OCD hijacks your brain, it is nearly impossible for you to accept that it is OCD.

    I strongly suggest that you get treatment. See a psychiatrist. Most likely, with the severity you are describing, you will need medication.
     
    #2 Chip, Apr 22, 2023
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  3. Feuer445

    Feuer445
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    Thanks for the reply! I worry about talking to a psychiatrist about this specific theme because I have a fear they're going to say I'm in denial or something along those lines. I am also confused on how OCD can make me get erections to gay porn and they feel good and genuine
     
    #3 Feuer445, Apr 23, 2023
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    Erections can happen to anything if you try long and hard enough. As I said, the problem with OCD is, no matter how much evidence people present to you, you'll always argue why they aren't right and you are gay. I can say, based on what you describe, and with a pretty high degree of confidence, that this is OCD.
     
    #4 Chip, Apr 23, 2023
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  5. Feuer445

    Feuer445
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    Its really confusing when erections just happen so fast to viewing thst kind of content. Also, how would I know if I'm not really gay or in denial/closet and if i was perhaps only hetero out of expectations from society
     
    #5 Feuer445, Apr 23, 2023
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    Again, this is OCD. People might be closeted out of societal expectations, but societal expectations don't influence actual attraction.
     
    #6 Chip, Apr 23, 2023
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  7. Necrose

    Necrose
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    Chip seems to have it well in hand, but if I may, porn and hentai are poor indicators at best of sexuality as they are designed to trigger arousal. If you masturbate to something because you think you might be into it, of course you're going to get off, but I have read that men are more visual when it comes to arousal, so for all you know, it could just be seeing sex happen that's getting you going. Have you considered how you'd feel if you were with another guy, doing the things in the gay porn and hentai you watched? How do you feel about being with a woman sexually?
     
    #7 Necrose, Apr 23, 2023
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  8. Feuer445

    Feuer445
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    Unfortunately the closest thing I have had to anything sexual was a lap dance i got on my 21st which I enjoyed a lot. As for imagining how i would feel doomg things with a guy, I'm unsure now because my mind keeps feeding me images of me doing things and it fills me with anxiety and the feeling of arousal but i have never imagined doing anything with another man prior to this
     
    #8 Feuer445, Apr 23, 2023
  9. BiGemini87

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    100% agree with Chip. He's incredibly knowledgeable about OCD and its symptoms. Porn, as has been said, is not a good indicator on its own; its whole function is to arouse, regardless of the kind being used. What matters is whether you've experienced attraction to the same sex at any point in your life, which by your own admission, you haven't. Please, definitely do talk to your therapist/look into going to a psychiatrist who specializes in OCD: they can help you--either through therapy, medication, or both--to work through these intrusive thoughts/reactions.
     
    #9 BiGemini87, Apr 24, 2023
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  10. Necrose

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    All the more reason for you to find a therapist who specializes in OCD, then. I am not such a person, but having enjoyed a lap dance is evidence of at least being interested in going further with women, but a therapist who specializes in OCD should help you make sense of it all and help you keep your brain from taking over and causing you such distress in the future. I wish you luck.
     
    #10 Necrose, Apr 24, 2023
  11. Dunlop55

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    Hi
    Sorry to hear you’re going through all this reading it it’s sounds as if I wrote it cause everything you described happened to me and I actually came on here today for reassurance and this was the first post I opened.

    I’m in a similar position as yourself and I have been diagnosed with OCD in the past specifically about my sexual orientation as it gave me so much grief throughout the years as I left it so long to get it seen too and let it get out of hand. I know it’s tough and it feels very real but as Chip it is OCD please talk about this with your therapist and try and treat it before it gets worse I myself am on medication for a number of years for my ocd it helps manage it to some extent.

    Keep your head up don’t test as hard as it is to fight the urge that is how you will break this listen to Chip and the rest here this is just OCD
     
    #11 Dunlop55, Apr 25, 2023
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  12. Feuer445

    Feuer445
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    Thanks a lot guys I'm going to be looking into an ocd specialist when I can. I just have one more question. Why do I get more aroused when looking at the penis in porn now? I cant remember if i used to or not, but i may have
     
    #12 Feuer445, Apr 27, 2023
  13. Chip

    Chip
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    You can ask an infinite number of questions like this. None of them will ever satisify you, you'll just find some other obscure thing that you'll use to justify the idea that in this one specific circumstance that happens only under these specific circumstances, you get the slightest amount of arousal. It's all BS. It's all your OCD.

    Seriously. Don't wait "until you get around to it." Do this NOW. You don't deserve to suffer on a daily basis.
     
    #13 Chip, Apr 28, 2023
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  14. Feuer445

    Feuer445
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    Im just about finished trying to scrounge up money so i can get multiple appointments for whatever is going on with me. But in the mean time i have had some horrible struggle and triggers.

    I was trying to masturbate using my mind and i thought i was enjoying what i was imagining with a female, but i wasnt able to achieve orgasm until my mind wandered to a picture of a gay hentai characters dick and thinking about that made me instantly go to orgasm where as before i didnt feel close at all.

    I also have a question. I hope it doesnt come out the wrong way as im dealing with a bad spike right now, but i was wondering about how gay men feel about getting girlfriends to cover up or while theyre in denial? I thought i used to long for a gf but i just dont know anymore. I watched a romance show and all it made me feel was sad, but i dont know if its because i want a girlfriend or not.

    I apologize for this probably mostly incoherent rambling but i just dont know what i would do if i was gay this whole time....
     
    #14 Feuer445, May 22, 2023
  15. Feuer445

    Feuer445
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    I will be calling for an appointment my psychiatrist from years ago first thing in the morning and probably seeing what i can do in regards to therapy on NOCD
     
    #15 Feuer445, May 22, 2023
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  16. Feuer445

    Feuer445
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    Their office was closed today unfortunately :/ in the mean time could I have some advice on some of the stuff I said earlier?
     
    #16 Feuer445, May 22, 2023
  17. wua

    wua
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    I am shocked that so many people explain the lack of self-acceptance by OCD. OCD is obsessive checking. OCD doesn't mean you're not gay. OCD means checking it over and over again. The truth is that most forum members have OCD but also suffer from a lack of acceptance of their own sexual orientation.
     
    #17 wua, Jun 16, 2023
  18. Melanie10229

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    You are not a therapist. You know nothing.

    -regards a woman with ocd!

    ocd can do all sorts of fucked up things Especially with arousal. And I got so many therapists saying this.
     
    #18 Melanie10229, Jul 14, 2023
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  19. Feuer445

    Feuer445
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    So I stumbled across a video of futanari taker POV after a long time, and the thumbnail made me horny and I masturbated to it and finished really fast. I've been turned on by similar in the past does this mean I'm gay? Also, would having a female stripped grinding on me get me turned on and wanting to go further happen if I have been unknowingly gay?
     
    #19 Feuer445, Aug 1, 2023
  20. Necrose

    Necrose
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    Have you visited a therapist since you started this thread? I for one am of the opinion that being a guy and liking futanari doesn't make you gay, but you're asking the same questions you were before and as Chip said, you can ask a thousand times but never be satisfied by the answer. If you have not seen a therapist yet, do so at your earliest opportunity. Nothing we say will help.
     
    #20 Necrose, Aug 2, 2023
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