I am 26 years old, from early days (10 years old) for some reason I always fantasized myself being a girl but I always got sexually attracted to women except for one or two men. But for 5 years now I just can't get this fantasy out of my head, I always have to imagine myself as a girl just so that I can feel some peace and fall asleep every night. It has gotten so bad that I am willing to throw away everything just to become a biological girl, if someone confirmed that I would be reborn as a girl if I die then I would commit suicide without a second thought. I am getting disgusted my own beard and other male features . What exactly is happening with me ? I can't even talk about this with anyone because from where I am ( a state in India ) everyone thinks mental health is a scam and there are only two genders. Any kind of help would be appreciated because I cant take this anymore and I may actually end up taking my life.
I replied to you in the welcome lounge, but I wanted to share my story with you and maybe it will be somehow helpful. I am biologically female. I came out to myself at my 30th birthday. It has been almost a year. I have known I was different since kindergarten, but I didn't know how to put these feelings into words and feared peoples reaction, if I acted differently, so I stayed in denial. I stayed in this box society had formed. When I came out to myself it all hit me pretty hard. I was terrified, because when I looked into mirror, then I saw my true self stuck inside my female shell. My body had became a prison to me. I was shaking inside and I cried a lot. I started doing research online to give these feelings a name and then I discovered EC. By talking others and reading other peoples stories made me trace all of my experiences way back to kindergarten and it felt like all the puzzle pieces fell into place. The me who was lost had gained an identity. The fog was lifted and I experienced euphoria, like I had never experienced before. There has been lots of doubting too. At the beginning I tried to deny all of it again, because of my environment. My country is conservative and people here value traditional beliefs. My own father is a homophobe too. Because of it all I haven't felt safe to come out yet. I have told my best friend and luckily she was fine with it. I told her through email and that took a lot of courage. It all has given me pretty bad depression and anxiety. I am seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist regularly (my dad pretty much thinks that a mental health is scam too, so at first I went there in secret) and am on medication that helps with my anxiety and panic attacks and depression. I also get dysphoria and it makes me very emotional, so I just try to distract myself. I do have plans of coming out eventually, but first I need to let go all of my fears. I hope this gave you a little idea of who I am and a knowing that you are not alone. Whenever you wish to talk, then you now have this safe place to vent or talk about any topic you want or ask any questions about figuring out your identity. I would be happy, if I could be helpful to you any way at all. I know how hard it all can get.
Please don't do that. Life is precious, and so are you! Soubhik, I can relate to what you write a lot, because I felt exactly the same. For me the idea of wanting to be a girl started around aged 6 and once it took hold of me I could never fully get rid of it, no matter what I did. It took over four decades, a pandemic and the sudden loss of my (female) partner in 2020 to finally face up to myself and my deepest darkest secret. One night during lockdown it suddenly hit me: maybe the reason I'd always wanted to be a girl is because I am a girl (ie I'm transgender). Immediately, I felt both elated and terrified. Of course! Everything suddenly made sense. I can't say for sure that you're transgender - only you know that. What I would say is that you need support and a space to feel your way around your feelings. Empty Closets is an amazing place and I'd encourage you to make yourself at home here and have a look at some old threads. You also probably need someone to talk to in the real world - are you in the position to talk about these issues to a therapist or a mental health professional? Sending out love and support to you, my friend, Beth xx
soubhik.....I know how tough it can get when you are fighting to understand your sexuallity and nothing seems to work out right. I'm not trans but I went through a terrible dark time before accepting that I am and always have been gay. I came very close to making a very bad choice like what you have mentioned. I am so glad that I didn't do it...so much has happened since then that has been good in my life. Things did change for me. It didn't happen right away and it took time, but and I think that they can change for you too. Have you watched any trans youtube videos? Just in case here are a few MtF Trans video makers that I think are good: MtF: Victoria Rose, Riley J. Dennis, Renna Williams, Alexamarilla, Robin jaspers Remember that we are here for you! Don't be afraid to share your feelings, concerns or even vent if you need to! You can always send a Private Message (PM) to any staff member if you feel like you need to. We do care! .....David
