I am confused about my sexuality. I get that it can be fluid, and I think that mine has changed over time, but I'm not quite sure what I am right now and it's on my mind a lot. When I was younger I had a lot of crushes on guys, so I assumed I was straight, but eventually I realized that I wasn't really experiencing sexual attraction but more of a desire for romance or a boyfriend because that's what you're supposed to do, I guess? About 4 yrs ago, I had my first sexual partner, and even then I only maybe once felt sexually attracted to him. Even though we tried repeatedly, the experience was not great for either of us. So, I figured I was asexual. That's what I've been identifying as for the last 4 years. During that time, I'd come across descriptions of various types of attraction, and realized that I was admiring both men and women "aesthetically" but that was about it. (Oh, I guess I should mention some important background info at this point. I grew up in a really strict conservative christian religion, that was super anti-gay, so it would never have even occurred to me to consider if I was attracted to women. But in the time leading up to becoming asexual, I realized that it was ok to be gay and christian, then i left christianity altogether anyway. So I think for me, the first step was telling everybody that I wasn't a christian anymore before I could even think about sexuality at all.) But, I think I still had internalized homophobia. So even though I would say that there was nothing wrong with being gay, I didn't even consider it an option, or I was pretty sure I wasn't gay. But once I started calling myself asexual, I started envisioning a different future. Like, if my potential romantic/life partner and I weren't gonna be having sex anyway (because I'm asexual), then who cares what gender they are? So I started imagining myself with a woman. Which led me to look at women differently and I started finding them more attractive. And I started imaging having sexual activity with women. So now I'm back to questioning, am I even asexual? Am I bi? Am I demi? Am I Lesbian? I have no idea what I am?! Does anyone have any thoughts?
People are going to tell you that split attraction is not a thing. I believe that labels are really just to help us communicate things to others and that is all that they should be used for. They should not limit us or lock us into anything. I used the label to tell others that I was not interested in sex during a long period of time in my life where I was not interested in sex with anyone, why was not that important only that I wanted to be left alone about it. In your case maybe you could not think of having sex with those people you might find attractive but now you are starting to consider it. Allow yourself to get out and meet people. So long as you are honest about the fact that you are unsure and you are not using anyone I think that exploration is fine. Maybe you will find that you do not want sex, maybe you will find that only after you gain a real connection with someone you might want it (demisexual) and maybe you will find out that you are more open to it as you start to fully accept your possible interests. Seeing a therapist who has experience with LGBT issues might be a good help. Also you should probably address the problems that stem from your religious upbringing.
