So I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian like 80-90% of the signs are there and I still have doubts about it which is normal so I'm just trying to be confident in the identity. One thing that's confusing me is regarding fantasies/masturbating. Before I realized I was gay I RARELY dreamed about being married to a man or doing any romantic stuff because it made me uncomfortable and sad (obviously). Sometimes I'd imagine having sex with a guy but it was usually pretty eh cause I did want to have sex it just seemed sort of exhausting. I seriously thought I was straight - a lot of denial and repression. But now I've accepted my sexuality and that I can do that with a woman I think about it all the time and it's so lovely and nice and I get so excited thinking about being romantic or marrying or sleeping with a woman. I want nothing more than a girlfriend right now. And I NEVER have been the cutesy romantic type. The idea of having sex with a woman is definitely a nice thought - although it makes me nervous cause I've never had sex. But I definitely want to and it feels so natural in a way that hooking up with men never did. But when I fantasise about having sex with women and masturbate, more than half the time I find it takes me way longer to orgasm (in comparison to straight or gay male sex) and can sometimes be difficult too. Most lesbian porn is made for straight dudes and is awful and a lot of lesbians don't like it so I don't really factor that in. But I can cum much quicker thinking about/watching straight sex (or even gay males). A lot of lesbians say they used to only be able to find rapey/power imbalance/violent straight sex fantasies/scenes arousing and I'm definitely the same (a romantic love making scene with a straight couple isn't appealing). I remember back in school when I was 'straight' there were lesbian fantasies that I did masturbate to and they were really arousing. So I wonder if the problem I'm having NOW is caused by me getting nervous about it - like I'm so desperate to definitely be gay that I get anxious hoping that I'll find lesbian fantasies arousing and that sort of blocks me from being able to just enjoy it? Cause if I used to really like them then that's indicative that that's what I'm really into. Sigh, I hope this is making sense. Any help would be appreciated.
I just want to say that you're totally not alone in this, I can relate to a lot of it actually. Until I was 18 I would have sworn up and down that I was straight, and that I just hadn't met the right guy yet. When I got to college, I was far away from my conservative town and in a super liberal, sex-positive, LGBTQ friendly place and that was when I started to realize how attracted I've been to women my whole life. It freaked me out, and I just assumed that I was still attracted to men, so I decided that I would focus on men. Four years later, after not having any interest in dating men since I've been in college, I'm realizing that my "attraction" to men is not actually attraction. Like, I'm realizing that I have never in my life masturbated to the thought of a hot guy, and I've never wanted to. I used to think something was wrong with me. If men have ever been part of my fantasies at all, it was always in the power-imbalance kind of way you described. I was into the situation, not the men in it. I had no idea that that was a common thing with lesbians though? But I have realized that when I fantasize about women, I don't need it to be set up in any particular way. What you describe when you talk about desperately wanting to be able to definitively say that you're gay is something else I can relate to. For me, I'm hesitant to call myself a lesbian because I dated boys all through high school and had "crushes" on them. I know comp het has had a lot to do with that, and maybe for you too if you thought you were straight for so long. Basically, I'm just afraid that I'll come out as a lesbian, and then realize that I actually am capable of being with men too and that I'm bi, and then no one will believe me/think I was faking my relationships with women for attention/etc. So I know how it feels to just want to finally give yourself a label after spending months or even years analyzing your sexual thoughts. It's tiring. But what's been helpful for me is to not worry about whatever I felt (or didn't feel) for boys, or what label is right for me, or what might happen if I come out as one thing and then change my mind. I'm not suggesting that you don't use a label (unless you want to) because I know having one helps make sense of what's going on in our heads. Just focus on what you feel for women, don't force it, take the pressure off yourself and just let it happen. Don't try so hard to masturbate to lesbian fantasies, give yourself the freedom to allow those feelings to develop naturally. Of course, it's harder said than done, but for me, things are clearing up now that I've gotten to this state of mind. It sounds like you are already pretty sure that you're attracted to women, so I would imagine that if you can allow yourself to just relax, and not worry about whether or not you're actually gay, you can get through this!
I can relate to this. I was never turned on by straight sex alone, there always had to be another element to it for it to work for me. Now that I think about it, when I first let myself fantasise about women I had a similar issue. I think this was because I was thinking way too much, which is essentially what you've said towards the end of your post. I was making comparisons back to before I questioned my sexuality and I felt that it should work so much better. Getting caught up in thoughts like that usually has the opposite affect. Also, when I used to think about straight sex, I had "go to" fantasies which I'd play out in my head and I didn't have to think too much about, and when I initially started fantasising about women it was hard to just let my mind go where it wanted. It took a few attempts to retrain my brain.
