conflicted on gender identity and distressed

hello everyone! im 19 years old and have recently started to consistently question my gender identity and its becoming a bit distressing. the problem is, i really just cant tell where i fall. to tell you how confused i am i came here from a wikihow article that is titled "how to know if you are transgender" haha.

ever since i was a kid, i have been seen as a "tomboy". a lot more masculine than other girls my age and i could never seem to relate to them. i never saw myself as a girl or a boy in those years since i was able to wear whatever i wanted, often shorts and a t-shirt, and had no idea what happens when puberty hits. puberty was distressing in a way for me. i hated having a chest and having to wear a bra, i hated having more defined curves and gaining weight, i hated starting my period as it was super painful at this time (and still can be) and i hated that the period made me "a woman", and i hated how long and thick my hair was. i never thought anything of it since many people hated going through puberty. after a few years i discovered i was attracted to women, though i still struggle with the identity despite it being year 7 of me being out now, and became more knowledgeable of the LGBT community and began to learn more. i let myself continue to dress more masculinely and i eventually cut my hair to a short pixie and something clicked. i went to school the next day beaming about my hair as i told no one i was doing that and my hair was originally down to my shoulders. after that, i discovered chest binders were a thing and ordered a cheap one, that wasn't very good haha, off of amazon. i wore it to school as soon as i got it and i felt great. i liked the look of me being flat. people started to confuse me for a boy and i got a little smile out of it each time it happened because i thought it was funny originally, but then i started to feel more validated. being called sir and mister felt good, then being called ma'am and miss almost felt condescending. then i kept buying more binders and i currently have 4 from gc2b.

i didnt think much about this until a few months ago. im taking a break from college now, but i am currently 2 years into school and feel super off. when my roommate, shes great, hangs out with her girl friends i feel like i cant relate to them. on the other hand, hanging out with our male friends and being part of their "boys day" makes me feel good. i like feeling like one of the boys. but its still hard because i cant really relate to them either since im not a boy.

i guess thats when it started to feel different. i started to seriously consider testosterone. i started going to the gym and using the gender neutral locker room, and getting more fit i realized i wanted to look more fit in a masculine way then a feminine way. i never wear my binder when im working out because i know thats the right thing to do as it could hurt you, but i feel weird having my chest when im at the gym. i realized i began to wonder about having a deeper voice, more hair, a straight figure like a man, bigger arms and legs, and having no chest.

the thing is im in serious doubt because my anxiety takes over. i am diagnosed GAD and MDD so it can cause some serious doubt. what if regret it and dont like how i look? the testosterone and maybe eventually having top surgery. what if im just a masculine lesbian? do i have to find a therapist? do i change my name even though its more feminine and i like it? how do i come out? what if i dont feel comfortable using mens/public restrooms? do i have to stop doing the few feminine things i actually like? like the occasional make up or wearing comfortable things like leggings? i dont wear my binders every day because i find them uncomfortable, does that still mean i could be trans? do i just think i should be a boy because thats what people assume when they look at me dressed this way?

its all very confusing and i need help from people who have maybe felt the same way i do. thank you so much for reading this im just very confused.