Coming out to Wife

Welcome.

In my opinion you only have a few choices as the issue is not going away;

1) Seek the help of a therapist
2) Chat with your brothers here for support
3) Screw up your courage and tell her
4) Wait until emotional pressure forces action

I would go with 1 thru 3. Once you are clear with yourself you can better relate the correct news to your wife.

One question many face is; am I gay or am I bi? As the denial abates things sometimes change.

Option 4 is not a good choice. Ask any of the guys here.

 

I could only agree with 1-4 above. I am in the same situation, but have 38 years of marriage and three adult sons to consider. In the past two months, I've gained a therapist, a lesbian pastor to help me with my religious concerns, and come out to my sister and several of my dearest friends. My wife will likely be next, but I know that's a big step and I couldn't take that step without a strong platform of support and opportunities to clear some of the mess out of my head. One step and one person at a time has been philosophy and so far, it's working. I'm not overwhelmed and feeling more confident in my identity than I ever thought possible.

 

There are many people on here who have gone through this. Some wives are very supportive and understanding. Others have not been so much. My question to you is, how has your relationship with your wife been? Does she love you? Do you have communication? Do you think she would be on your side or would she wouldn't be so supportive?

If you think she might be on your side, it might be great to grieve through this process together. If not, maybe finding support from people on EC, a therapist, LGBT group, friends, would be a good foundation to begin coming out. Then, with added support, you can address the wife issue. So I think.

 

I think you should do this. When you feel the time is right, bring up that question that she asked, If you are Bi? Tell her that it got you thinking more, and that you are just not sure. Maybe you are? But you are not sure because you have not tried it.

This would open some doors, and show trust, and be a good way to potentially come out to here. And I think that is what you want to do, but you wish to avoid hurt, pain, and guilt, etc.

And if she asked, or if she asked in a nice way, not as in a nasty way, then she really wants to know. This is a good thing and I would take advantage of the situation if I were you. I don't think it is too late to reopen that thought you had with her.

 

how long have you been happily married for ? the secret becomes more precious with every passing day. the nervous anticipation of the thing builds a thicker and stronger cage for you to live in. some of us for many many years . the secret causes stress that eventually and ALWAYS erodes the happiness of the marriage. i think its a matter of pay me now or pay me later....yes, there is a price. keep well

 

Not sure of your age, but you might think about seeing a therapist as has been mentioned. One which you can trust and share all of your feelings.

You also need to consider if you are fine with these fantasies, and can go on married and yet have no sexual contact with a guy? There is nothing wrong with having these fantasies, many people do have them. But can you go on having them with no real contact, and be happy?

From what I have read, and my own experiences, these fantasies and desires do not go away after a while. In fact, they get stronger as time goes on. Sometimes they can fade away for some months or a year, but then come back even stronger.

Your peace of mind, and mental health is what is at risk if you do nothing, and just go with the flow. Some guys drink hard to dull the thoughts, or the frustration.

Talk with a therapist would be best for you. We are always here, and you can ask questions and tell us how you fell with no worry about it. Many many here have been going through what you are now. Communication here is healthy, and lets you get out what you need to. But a therapist could be even better once you feel like taking another step.

 

Everybody's situation is different and controlled by the opinions, expected reactions and consequences of spilling the beans. "Honesty is the best policy" sounds good but in reality it can be disastrous. If she's going to freak out, leave you, take you for all your worth and make the kids hate you is it worth all that? If she's capable of going with the flow and giving you some freedom maybe you can have the best of both worlds if you don't abuse the privilege.

 

Hey,

Any body who is a dog lover is aces in my book.

Let me repeat what Joe Kort wrte in his book;

To paraphrase; many have difficulty sharing feelings or talking about their feelings... This is because they are gay and society labels their feelings as wrong, bad, perverted and evil. This gets the gay person thinking; if I am gay and that is wrong how many other of my feelings are wrong? So some learn to hold back all sharing, hold back communicating.

That may be why you have difficulty talking about your feelings.

I have a friend just like that. His favorite answer is "I don't know" or silence.

 

I can only tell you my story. I have been in a relationship with my wife for 23 years. We started dating when I was 23 and married when I was 27. Neither of us wanted children. I always knew I was attracted to guy but never acted on it. But those feelings and desires only grew over time and became harder and harder to suppress. By my late 30s they were nearly intolerable and so I turned to the bottle and drank heavily to escape. But things didn't change. To the outside world I had the perfect life - continuously gainfully employed, a steady, loving relationship with my spouse, financially stable, and a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence (literally!). But I was absolutely miserable. Then, when I was 43 on a business trip a cute guy hit on me at a hotel bar. That had never happened before and I flirted back and ended up spending the night in his room. It was the best night of my entire life. Suddenly I realized that although I thought I was having good sex with my wife (or, more frequently, my left hand), it paled in comparison to what sex with a man was like. The next six weeks while I worked up the nerve to Come Out to my wife were the worst in my life. Would she leave? Would she hate me? How can she understand as I don't even understand it all? But I finally did. And while she was deeply hurt about the infidelity and broken trust, she has been the most amazing and supportive person ever. And even proactive in terms of helping me find books to read and suggesting I set up my own email account, etc. We had a few more weeks of intense talks and decided to stay married and open up the relationship. So now I have safe casual sex with men, casually date men, but still enjoy the loving and supportive relationship with my wife. It works for us, for now. But I never felt any of that weight lifted from me or any sense of relief or good feeling from Coming Out to her, so I have remained deeply closeted to everyone else in my life. Just too much fear and inability to scale that incredibly high wall of lies I have created during 46 years of protecting my secret and passing in the straight world.

Hope this helps. The short answer - Come Out to your wife and start enjoying sex with men, hopefully with her still by your side.

 

I am going to backtrack this thread...

She said what you can and cannot do?

I don't think so. Only minors have rules like that.

You are now a free agent. See my signature...

 

These things take time. If you're like me you're going to feel like you have to act right away to fix everything. You don't. You can't do anything to make things better right now.

What you can do is just keep being honest with yourself and her and respect her when she is honest with you. And don't take everything she says at face value. She is going through a tough time. If you need to vent because it hurts too much, you should find a safe place to do that. Are you out to any friends or just your wife?

You have EC for support. Try to keep yourself busy to take your mind off the pain you and your wife are going through. The happier you are and the better you feel, the more love and understanding you will have to give.

Have you thought about what you want? Do you want a committed relationship with your wife with no secrets now? Or do you want a relationship with another man or woman? Where would you like to be in 5 years?

Actually, Trevor said it better than me earlier. Are you telling her because you want her permission to have sex with men? Or are you telling her because you need to be out?

Whatever happens, the most important thing is that both of you, if you stay together, stay together because you want to, not because you feel like you have to. You deserve someone that chooses to be with you because he or she loves you, and so does your wife.