Coming out to myself

Hi, I'm new to EC but I was reading some of the wonderful (and sometimes upsetting) threads and decided to tell you about the current situation with my sexuality, I'll hopefully get some insight and enlightenment on the journey of accepting being gay.

So, firstly, I didn't think seriously about being potentially gay until the beginning of this year. I always thought women were cute or pretty, beautiful even, but never felt sexually attracted to them, but didn't consider being gay. Only once did I feel romantically attracted to a girl (in the sense that I loved her to pieces) and even then I felt nothing sexually towards her, she was/is more of a sister to me than anything, I guess I just never had that good of a friend before. We just clicked straight away and it upset me (still does to some degree) that I didn't feel attracted to her, I thought she'd be everything I ever wanted in a person, but that's when I first felt that something wasn't right. That was when I noticed that I'd never liked girls sexually.

That was the first time I considered that I could be gay. I felt so angry at myself, I've always wanted to get married, have biological children, someone to pass my last name to (I know, I'm overly sentimental ) and discovering I could be gay made me feel that I had betrayed myself. Now, I know about surrogacy and adoption but I narrow-mindedly wanted a 'normal life'.

I've never had sex with anyone and until 3 months ago I had never been in a serious (if short) relationship (I tried being in relationships with girls but it never felt right, at the time I put it down to it not being 'the one', never thought 'the one' would end up being a guy.) It was with a guy and it was the first time being gay felt right, but I still wasn't fully accepting the fact that I was gay and it was hard for him, I told him how much I loved him and that I'd never been happier, but he kept asking me if I was straight (which tore me apart because at the time I kind of secretly wanted to be straight) and he was paranoid and demanded constant attention, which ended the first gay relationship I ever had. But I learnt a lot from it. It solidified the fact that I was gay. The hard part now is accepting that part of me.

I spent most of a year hoping it was a phase but now I accept that being gay is a part of who I am, I just need to come to terms and hopefully become happy with being a gay guy.

Just to clarify, I have gay, lesbian, bisexual friends and an amazing trans friend, I have a deep and profound respect for everyone in the GLBT community, I just never thought I'd be a part of it is all ^.^

And just in case it means anything, I'm typically a masculine guy and couldn't relate to a lot of gay stereotypes (many of which I've found out don't exist, thanks to this wonderful community at EC) and I felt like a hetero guy who loves guys, if that makes sense, I know there are loads of guys here who are the same but don't get me wrong, I love feminine gay guys, they're adorable :3

Anyway, in case you didn't know, I'm usually really upbeat and happy, but coming to terms with my sexuality has been something I've been constantly stewing my brain over, and keeping it to myself until I was sure I was definitely gay means that, until now, I've dealt with my homosexuality by myself. But I trust and respect you wonderful people so so much and I'm asking you to help me come out to myself and learn to love my homosexuality so I can come out to others and move on in life.

Sorry for the long, badly written post, you all get A*'s for reading my essay of a post ^.^

Thank you, I love you all! *hugs*

 

Thank you greatwhale and Commenza, I appreciate your input so much ^.^ I feel like I'm clinging onto anything that might suggest I'm straight but I'm quickly coming to the realisation that I am gay. I still look at girls but it doesn't do anything, I usually admire how pretty they are. I've only just started checking out guys which is totally alien to me as I feel like I've had to allow myself to, but feel like I shouldn't be doing it (mainly because I'm only just opening my mind to the idea of a real, physical attraction to everything about guys, not just their sexual assets) and I keep going from daydreaming about guys to snapping myself out of it, as if what I'm thinking is wrong...

on another note, one thing that continues to make it hard is that my mum (an absolutely wonderful, open minded person) keeps mentioning "when I find the right girl" and "when you have kids" and, as I said previously, I wished I was straight so that I could be in a relationship with a woman and have kids naturally, but as much as I adore women and everything about them, I don't find them attractive and it's getting to me all the times my mum is mentioning me and this fabled, none-existent woman as I know that the life plan I set out for myself (the same one that my mum hopes for me) is now shattered.

I daren't come out to my mum as I'd hate to be a disappointment and as open minded as she is, I'd hate for her to make a big deal out of it, such as asking about finding the right guy and treating me different just because I love guys. I mean, I act stereotypically heterosexual, I have no stereotypically gay traits about myself other than my sexuality, so anyone I come out to, amongst my friends and family, will be surprised/disappointed and I'd hate for them to treat me any different or treat me as a 'special case' by going out of their way to ask about my homosexual life, I'd hate to feel segregated in that way.

Here's an example of what I would consider one of those situations:

Friend: so guys, what did you think of that girl who just walked past, pretty hot, eh?
Other Friends: Totally!
Friend: What about you Kin, what did you think about the guy who went past too, was he pretty hot?

Now I know it would usually mean they're just putting my interests into consideration but I would find it kind of patronising and would make me feel like the black sheep, almost as if I can't relate to them with their base instincts.

Anyway, sorry for blabbing but I just need to get it off my chest. I guess I'm still just shocked that I am gay. Never thought that homosexuality would apply to me. So, thanks for reading

Oh! I decided that the first person I'm coming out to is the girl I feel closest to. I love her to death and I think she should know because there's no friend I can trust like her, besides, she's bisexual and as well as being the first step to coming out, she'd also be a great source of advice. Although I do love the EC people too, you guys have changed my life already, I feel like I'm halfway there, some good points, some bad points, but hearing people accept me for who I am is so tremendously humbling and as I cry (tears of joy) while typing this, I want you to know that I appreciate you all so much. For the hardships you share and the advice you give, you've made massive strides with me accepting myself for who I am, after all, if you lovely people can accept me, why can't I accept myself!

Love and hugs to you all, I hope you guys can share your stories with me too, I look forward to any replies, it's amazing how many people have/are going through the same problems as me, EC has made me realise that I'm not alone. Thank you so so so much! (&&&)