imad suggested we move a discussion from another thread to a new one, since the original one had gotten somewhat off-topic: Well, I'll give you that the hiding part is pretty difficult but really, I don't think it always leads to personality changes like you're describing. If anything, I got involved in more conversations about sex and sexuality when I thought I was straight, to cover up what I was trying to deal with but I'm pretty sure overall my personality didn't alter radically. And I'm not arguing that being gay is difficult for you or for a whole host of other people. But it's certainly not difficult for everyone, and certainly not to the "oh my gosh this is the most difficult thing about my life" level, which is how I think it gets portrayed a lot of the time. Sometimes it seems like people think being gay is the biggest challenge someone can ever face, which it really, really isn't. I think maybe it gets portrayed like that because the people we hear from the most about it are middle- to upper-class white guys and to a middle-class white guy, it's like "oh my god! I'm an oppressed minority now?" It's a huge loss of privilege if you happen to be in a group where there otherwise isn't much that's going to shake your worldview (and I say this, of course, as a middle-class white guy). What I've been trying to get at all along is there are a host of different experiences of being gay (and coming out, and pre-coming out), some negative, some positive, some neutral. And there's a lot of relative-ness in a statement like "x is difficult." Sometimes just getting up in the morning is difficult. I take exception to this notion that being gay has to be difficult and is this kind of cross to bear for every gay person. I certainly don't wake up every morning and go, "Aw fuck, I'm still gay and therefore my life is going to be more of a struggle in x, y, and z ways." Framing being gay as a difficulty just ultimately doesn't help you deal with it, mainly because it keeps it as something separate from who you are and really, it's about as unseparate as you can get. Okay, maybe that's what I'm getting at: sure being gay can be difficult. As can being non-white in Canada or the US, or a woman, or poor, or overweight, or an immigrant, etc. But if you frame that part of yourself that results in whatever difficulty you face as an obstacle to be overcome--which I think is often what happens when people come out: they treat being gay as this thing that has happened to them or been inflicted upon them--then I think you're compartmentalising who you are in an artificial and unhealthy way. Being gay isn't something that happens to someone; it's something that someone just is. Homophobia and heterosexism are what happens to people, not being gay. It's certain people's reactions to what and how people are that's the problem, not how and what people are in and of themselves. Maybe that seems like it's a silly distinction but I think it's really the crux of the matter.
The thing that had the greatest impact on my personality was coming out to myself. Until that time, it was as if I was just going through a phase, and everything would get better with time. I didn't really put much thought into the subject. When I began to acknowledge my attraction to men as more than just a temporary taste, things began to change... I didn't want to talk to most of my friends, not because I was worried about them finding out, but because I had lost the will to do so. My guess is that this is because of the shock that came from the realization that I was gay. I also began to stay more in my room, and I began to lock my door. Eventually, my mother noticed, and repeatedly asked me why I was down. I just told her that everything was fine, and that it was ridiculous of her to think that I was sad. This feeling began to gradually lift with the positive (or, in some cases, relatively positive) reactions that came from my friends. Though there are still traces of this feeling, but now I am more relaxed around friends, and I find it easier to talk to them. So, for me, both of your descriptions apply. There was a period of time where I began acting differently, as xyc mentioned, until I came out to my close friends. I agree with joeyconnick in that being gay isn't the most difficult thing in life, and that the biggest problem is heterosexism.
In a social world, can you really separate what something is from how people react to it? Can you discern the truth? My hang-up lately has been that I lack any confidence whatsoever in knowledge. B/c, really... I mean, what the heck do we know? I watch people so convinced in the truth of something or other that they're just completely blinded to the possibility that they might be wrong. I've become so afraid of becoming someone who believes he knows something that I'm afraid to trust that I know anything. And it's a big problem when something in your heart goes against what most people say. It's a huge problem.
The more interesting the myth, the more it's spread. People's ignorance only thrives on false statements that 'sound correct' because it makes sense. That's one of my no-no buttons that you REALLY don't want to push.:tantrum:
coming out waz pretty easy 4 me to friend but not so easy 2 parents but they will get over i used to feel like crap thanx to lex i feel much better much love lex
It is definitely difficult, I'm out to about 5 people. I've told most of them I'm bi, to soften the blow. I know I'm gay, and I love it. But I'm young, and I don't know the level of acceptance at my school, I'm new and I have a girlfriend. No one knows, not even my parents. It'll get easier, for me and for you. Be patient, only come out when you feel it's right. Or else you might mess something up. If someone doesn't accept you, forget them. There are plenty of people who do, trust me, people will judge. Don't get upset, just ignore them. ride: :newcolor:
But I have the opposite ..... the hobby has gone, but respect for the game is left ..... and the desire to sometimes shake a beard and play in the old man on the LAN too!
