Coming out countdown

They are great and it makes me a little sad that I never gave them that credit before - to be able accept and love me for who I really am. I projected so much, building on my own fear, and that wasn't fair to anyone.

Thanks for reading! (*hug*)

55bna

 

3/12/12

Last night was a tough coming out to an old friend over the phone. Recently I've been able to tell people without getting emotional, but this one was hard.

The friend was someone I used to work with. She had been married to her husband for about 30 years when she found out he had been having an ongoing affair with another co-worker of ours. The result as a very ugly divorce. I wanted to be on good terms with all of them, but other friends didn't really make that possible. The group of friends sided with the friend I told and we became very close. A few years ago she moved back East and we've kept in contact periodically.

Here's why it was hard. I was afraid that I would come across as a huge hypocrite. All the time I knew her, and sided with her about how awful it was for her husband to have done that, I was cheating on my wife with many, many men at book stores. I was petrified at the prospect of causing more pain for her because of my actions and then rejecting me. I cried hard through most of our conversation - first out of fear and then out of relief.

Here's the reason for my relief. She made the clear distinction between the actions of her husband - his choice to have a relationship with another woman - and my acting on a completely different orientation. She knows my sexuality is not a choice and forgave me for my actions. The only thing she asked is that I take all precautions to be safe as I enter the next stage of my life. She wants to remain great friends!

Once again I was amazed at the ability of the people I had let into my life all the years I was struggling with my orientation to understand, accept, and continue to want me to be a part of their lives.

By my count, I only have about 5 more people that I plan to come out to in person. The countdown is nearly complete! I hope to check off the last names by the end of the month - by the end of April for sure. Two are a married couple that could have an interesting reaction, and the other 3 are my aunts and an uncle. I'll let them pass the news to my cousins.

I move into my condo two weeks from today!! (!)

I'm considering changing my name here from 55butnotalive to something reflecting my new life!

Once again, I thank those who have followed this saga. I hope it gives hope to those who are conflicted with what to do to become authentic - while acknowledging we are all on different paths to that end.

(&&&)

55bna

 

I'll consider your suggestion, Mlpguy! When I came up with my EC name originally I was 55 years old. Fortunately it's also my year of birth so I may hang on to it.

Thanks for letting me know this thead has meaning for you! If I can help anybody avoid my mistakes, I'll be a happy man.

55bna

 

Hi, all! It's been awhile since I've posted to this thread so here's a quick update.

The one remaining couple I was planning to come out to was told the news by another friend. I wish she hadn't done that, but I guess it narrows the list down. I'm going to get together with the husband of the couple sometime soon, along with the other men from that group just to hang out and have some laughs. I'm sure my revelation will be a topic of discussion, but not the only one.

That gets me down to my late father's siblings. I'd hoped to cross them off the list by the end of the month, but that's clearly not going to happen. I don't see them enough for it to be urgent. But I guess the news could slip from one of my siblings. We'll see.

I want to thank everyone again who's followed this journey. If anything major comes up, I'll put it here.

I like this side of the closet!! :eusa_danc

55bna

 

Thanks, MNGuy!

I got together with a married gay couple that lives a couple hours away. We spent a few hours talking. They have also helped me through my transition.

I spent a few hours at the home of another guy I met 6 years ago. He's in a relationship now, so it was also just for conversation.

My new next-door neighbors in my condo are gay. They don't know I am yet, but as soon as I get a chance, I'll let them know. I hope they'll help me meet some local guys.

I WILL NOT go back to the bookstores I frequented when I was so active over three years ago. I don't want to become that guy again. And even though I have the numbers of a few of the guys I used to hook up with there, I don't plan to contact them. They weren't good for me - not real friends.

55

 

It's been a long time since I added to this thread, but now is a good time.

I've been divorced since the end of February and living on my own since the end of March. It's been quite an adjustment. I've gone through some very tough times feeling lonely and rejected, even though everyone's been there for me if I've asked. I've just been wishing I'd be more supported without having to ask - especially with my 3 adult children. As usual, I've been focusing on my own needs ahead of theirs - something that's been a huge frustration for my ex. It was very tough because her birthday was a few days before Monther's Day. I felt very left out, but should have been focusing on the difficulty my kids were going through. I hope I've turned the corner after (rightfully) hearing what a jerk I was and how difficult I made it for the kids.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting to this thread again is that I'm traveling a couple hours tomorrow to come out to my two elderly aunts - sisters of my deceased father. They're both very conservative and religious. I know they'll also be very loving and supportive. I'll let you know how it goes. Their brother lives in Arizona so I won't see him until September. He is a huge racist so I'm guessing he's homophobic too. I hope I can open his eyes a little, but if not - what the f.

After my meeting with the aunts tomorrow, I'm meeting up with a good gay friend. I met him one night when I was staying at my aunt's house and told her I was going to a local casino. Instead I went to a local bookstore and ended up at this guy's apartment. He was the first man I ever went to bed with, even though I had hooked up with many, many men at bookstores. It was the most amazing night I've ever had!! (!) This was seven years ago. Over the years we've talked on the phone quite a bit and gotten together a few more times. The last couple have just been as friends having a good talk. Tomorrow I'm meeting his new boyfriend for the first time and am excited to have such a great friend. He was married for a long time and has two children so we've connected on quite a few levels.

I'm also planning to stop at a local gay bar while I'm there. I went there a couple times when I was married just to see how I fit in. I never hooked up with anyone there. I'm not planning to hook up tomorrow night either, but I'm excited to go there as a single gay man with nothing to hide! :eusa_danc I'll let you know how that goes too.

It's going to be an interesting day to say the least!

55bna

 

I realized that I said I would follow-up on several things mentioned in my last post and then didn't do it.

Here goes:
1) My aunts - they were both amazing. Very happy that I told them in person, sorry for what I've been going through, and supportive of me in what I'm doing to be authentic. I've since heard from my aunts several times, wishing me well and offering support. I've also heard from two of my cousins who also expressed only love. Awesome!!

2) My friend - I met with he and his boyfriend and had a great couple hours. We went to a local import store, had some beers, and just talked. Very enjoyable!

3) The gay bar - I got there fairly early in the evening so it was pretty quiet. There was going to be a big 50th birthday party for one of the regulars later on. Since it was going to be such a tight-knit group coming in, I decided to head home. I only talked to one guy plus the bartender. Our discussions were superficial so - nothing to report.

Since then, I mustered the courage to go to a couple gay bars in my own city. The first time it was a quiet afternoon. I met a few people (gay and lesbian). It was fun. I met a couple who was my age. We had an interesting conversation. The only thing I didn't like was that one of them copped a feel without warning. I just let it go and kept my distance after that. I think they are in a pretty open relationship because they mentioned taking me home with them and &#@%ing me. No thanks - not what I'm looking for at this point in my life.

The next two times were on the day of my city's pride festival (which I didn't attend). First I went to the one I'd been at before. It was crowded with a mostly young crowd. I felt very alone because everyone else had been partying for awhile and being new to this, didn't know how to insert myself into the mix. I didn't mind, though, I just put myself in the role of observer.

The second bar that night was much the same. Crowded. I observed again. I stuck around long enough to watch the male strippers perform. The crowd really got into it, but I was content to watch. The stippers came out into the crowd and I ended up with one of them in front of me for a minute doing a lap dance. I didn't have a dollar to tuck in his g-string though, so he moved on. I realized strippers aren't my cup of tea either. As with the other bar that night, I felt too old and out of my element.

Last Thursday afternoon I made another vistit to the bar where the strippers had been. I wanted to see what it was like at a quieter time of day. At first it was just me and the owners. I talked quite a bit with the bartender who was in his 40s. I told him about coming out recently after having been married. I said I was starting to look for gay friends in my age range. He said there were quite a few who came in after work some days and that he always introduced patrons to eachother. A little while later, a guy my age came in and we were introduced. It was nice to just be able to talk to him knowing a hook-up was not on the table because he's in a relationship. He said they're always happy to meet new people and he gave his business card. Cool!

Finally, this week I came out to the two ladies who live downstairs. I needed to because they'd been talking lately about fixing me up with someone nice. I decided they needed to know what "standard equipment" I require. :icon_bigg They were both great. One of them has a gay son and said she thought I might be gay because not many men leave a marriage after 35 years on good terms with their ex. It turns out they both had thought about making a move on me - something I'm 35 years removed from experiencing. There's a third woman in my condo complex who told them I was on her radar too. It's great to know i still have some sex appeal!!

I also came out to my doctor yesterday at a routine appointment. He was great too. He said he treats about a dozen other gay men in his practice and was thankful that I came out because it would help him be a better doctor to me.

Today I'm meeting with the head of the local chapter of PFLAG at a local coffe shop. I'm looking forward to becoming a part of that group later this month.

Life is moving forward!! (!)

Wow! This entry got a lot longer than I'd planned on. If you finished it - thanks!!

55

 

Thanks!! I'm definitely thinking about a name change, Max. "Fully" might be pushing it, but I'm heading in that direction for sure. I wish you the best on your path to the light. Lot's of people here are holding candles for you at the end!

(*hug*)