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Coming out before hitting 30

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Phoenix888, Feb 25, 2020.

  1. Phoenix888

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    Hi everybody.

    As long as remember it, I have always been attracted to the male body. It is also the first time I "voice" it openly to anybody. So you understand how deep I am closeted... I am now 29 and will be 30 in less than 10 months, I have never been in a relationship with a guy nor girl (excluding that 2 months fling I had with a high school girl in my senior year). Needless to say, I have built walls which are pretty solid but I feel that it is time to really live as myself. I am actually not sure that I will end up in a relationship nor if I want to, but hiding this fundamental part of me feels more and more wrong, as if I am slowly losing myself. It was ok with 19... but after 10 years, I feel drained...

    Saying it to my close friends won't be a problem. I know they will be understanding and won't care, as they have other homosexual people in their life. My biggest problem are my family. My mother is a traditional asian women which immigrated in a western european society. I have always been the favourite model son. Good in school, good in sport, and I know she wants to have grandchildren with our name. It could go two ways, either it will kill her, or maybe she might suspect it, as I always liked girly stuff more as a little kid.

    I do not know what I am looking for by writing here... It is the first time I am coming to terms with my sexuality. I don't think I ever felt love for a guy nor a girl, just lust for men...I somehow still see myself married with a woman and with kids, but I know this is out of the picture for me. Still in denial I guess even after having written that long post. I guess I just need to talk about it, as the closet has been a very lonely place for those 29 years...

    Thank you for reading
     
    TrevinMichael likes this.
  2. DecentOne

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    Welcome to Empty Closets Phoenix888.

    I get it about the family expectations. I am fortunate, to have met my parent’s expectations of grandchildren. I considered myself straight up until recently, and married a woman I love and we raised children to adulthood... and then figured out I’m bisexual. You need to be you, not your parent’s expectation (if that isn’t you). Many same-sex couples have children, in my country “Heather Has Two Mommies” was published 30 years ago, and I’ve been to adoption hearings for gay and lesbian couples to cheer them on, and I also know couples that went the biological route.
     
  3. Ram90

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    @Phoenix888 I re-affirmed/re-discovered myself at 27, after being in the closet for 11 years. I came out to people (supportive friends) at that age. Now, I'm 29 (I turn 30 in 3 months), so I totally understand what you're feeling and where you're at right now. :slight_smile:

    A lot of things can and will be confusing to think and do. Just try to take your time to experiment, understand and come to terms with your feelings. Coming out can be easy or difficult for you depending on the person you want to come to and the circumstances/scenarios and it's completely OK. It took days of thought and contemplation to come out to some of my friends, while I just came out mid-conversation to some other friends. Ha ha. It happens. :slight_smile:

    We're here for you. Please tell us what you're going through and what you're thinking. Lean on us and vent out, if you need to.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey congratulations, making a post on EC and telling us for the first time is a great step. I am sure lots of people here can understand how hiding that part of you can be draining. Hopefully we can help you on your journey.
     
  5. Phoenix888

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    Thank you guys.

    I am still figuring out my own attraction. I am really attracted to the male naked form, but the idea of sex kind of disgust me. Not really seeing myself giving oral or penetrating or being penetrated by a man. I really hadn't had any intimate experience with any gender. Even presented with the opportunity I chicken out. If we look at my porn use as outlet, it is never 2 people having sex together. I find nude pictures of men standing around and without erection more arousing.

    I tried hooking up with guys online while I was overseas, but it was weird and nothing really happened. It was no enjoyable experience. I never tried with girls, as I don't see how I can maintain an erection. On the emotional aspect, being in the closet prevented me to really connect with anyone on a deeper level.

    I sometimes feel something inside me is broken, that if I just was open from the very beginning. I could have just tried every color of the rainbow and figure out what I like. Now I am just a bit confused, as I feel my situation and form of attraction is still somewhat juvenile and more lust than real sexual need.

    I am for sure gay. I always liked the male body more than the female one. But I must say a very beautiful girl who's gentle and feminine can definately attract my attention.
     
    #5 Phoenix888, Feb 26, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2020
  6. Phoenix888

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    Pls tell me what you guys think? It feels liberating to finally being able to voice my desires and try to understand them. Before coming out to my close ones, I need to come to term and understand my own contradicting feelings.
     
  7. TrevinMichael

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    You are wonderful for just being you. Sometimes others project onto us what or who we are to be.

    You be you. I know life has its ups and downs. Eventually those that need to be in your life in good ways will be there.

    Sending you much joy and happiness.

    TM
     
  8. Pole star

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    Once you free yourself from the closet you will be more free to notice men and look at them without guilt. You will slowly develop feelings too. It takes time and accepting and loving yourself is the first step.
     
  9. Phoenix888

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    Thank you guys. I am getting cold feet again, but as my post's title is. I am really set on coming out before 2021, to at least one soul that I know personally
     
  10. silverhalo

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    It's ok to get close and then back away again. Almost everyone I know has gone to do it and chickened out a few times before actually doing it. Plus it's only February. You have plenty of time :slight_smile:
     
  11. Rin311

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    I come from an Asian family too, so I totally hear you on family expectations and pressure and the possible response. The thing is, you have to take that chance if you want to live as yourself and stop hiding. There's nothing else to do but take a deep breath and talk to your mother about it. I hope she takes it well and I hope you can then sit down and talk about it. Also, being gay doesn't mean never having a family or giving her grandchildren.
    I think right now you're in a very early stage of accepting yourself. Not having done that prevented you from exploring your own sexuaity and figuring out what you like and what you don't like. That process will take time, but it will happen eventually.
    Take care.
     
  12. Phoenix888

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    Hi everybody. Small update on my situation. First, thank you very much for your feedback.
    I had a visit to my very traditional and also kind of fucked up family. The point of me getting married or having a girlfriend somehow came up, when I said I'll never get married it felt like I plunged a dagger into my mother's heart haha...

    She is closed to 80 now, I am not sure I am ready to live my gay life openly anyway. It also feels like I don't really want relationships anyway. So I'll just wait for now, I don't know. I feel defeated... It's not political correct to say that, but I really wish I was straight, I really wish I could pretend. But it wouldn't be fair to anyone.
     
  13. bluehorizon

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    My longest friend in the world is 73. He never came out to his mother that he is gay.

    Many years ago, I told him that I thought he was making a mistake, that he should tell her his truth, because otherwise he would be living a lie. Reader, he ignored my advice, and everything turned out fine.

    He certainly wanted to tell his mother, but his first concern was, what she was supposed to do with the information at an elderly age. He opted in favor of not challenging her in this way. And now, 15 years after her death, who's to say otherwise? People think that things are urgent, but time has a way of making what seems important today less important in years ahead.

    On the other side of the coin, I came out to my religious family at the age of 26, in 1977. They did not take it well. At all. But over the years, they got used to the idea. My dad died last year at the age of 99. He was a little bit scattered at that age, but he was mostly together, and he surprised me one day by taking me aside to say, "I just want to tell you, it makes me happy to know that you found a partner you love, and that you boys are happy. And I think he is a fine man."

    You could have knocked me over with a feather. I already knew my mom, who died ten years ago, and he were "okay" with me and my relationship, but neither had never ever expressed anything like the acceptance those words revealed.

    So that's your dilemma. Don't tell, and everything stays at least "okay." Reveal your truth, and maybe you will be rewarded with meaningful validation. But you can't know in advance.

    Best to you -
     
    #13 bluehorizon, May 10, 2020
    Last edited: May 10, 2020
  14. silverhalo

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    I think a lot of people have been in your position and really wished they were straight, I dont think you should be too hard on yourself for that. Perhaps now is not the right time, there is nothing wrong with that either. You are right you cant pretend and in the long run it is not healthy for anyone. Take it one day at a time you might surprise yourself.