I have recently come to terms with be trans (ftm) and I want to come out to my parents. From what I can tell they are both ok with the lgbtq community but my mom has said some things that might come off as transphobic. Me and my mom have a stained relationship already so I’ll probably not come out to her yet but me and my dad are very close. He is really trying to learn more and educate himself in lgbtq proplems and identifies so he will most likely be supporting. I’m still really nervous and don’t know how to go about coming out. I could really use some input from other people but since quarantine I’ve lost contact with most of my friends. Please give me advice I’m so scared that I’ll get a bad reaction if I don’t do it right.
Welcome to EC. If there is any chance that you would be endangered by coming out (whether becoming homeless or simply being subjected to gaslighting on your actual identity or anything else) I would not recommend coming out at all. I had to wait until after I moved out, had my own place and a job to support myself. If you are sure that it would be safe for you then I think that you could go ahead with it. Since your dad has shown a desire to learn about such things you might talk to him about some public people who have come out that he might know about (I do not know who these people might be, I do not keep up with celebrities and such). Use that to start talking about the way you personally feel about your own gender and what you might wish to do in expressing it.
Thank you for the advice, I’m sure I am safe coming out to my dad but it’s really stressful. I’ll talk to him about some public figures and their gender identities, that could definitely help in process of telling him.
Hello Vero. I notice you say in your profile you're not out at all. Do you have any friends you feel safe enough to come out to first? Parents and family members are the 'biggies' - they've known you longer than anyone else and if you're still living with them things can potentially go wrong if you get a bad reaction. I would re-connect with some friends you feel comfortable coming out to and gather a support structure around you first. Beth
Hi. I personally think the thought of coming out verbally to anyone is scary AF. When I've come out I've done it through letters or emails mostly. Maybe that'll be easier? Like because it not only gives you a chance of what you're going to say but it gives whomever you are coming out to, a chance to process and for you not to see their initial reaction... If it may be a bad reaction (which I really hope it isn't). Anyways whatever way you decide to come out, if at all, I wish you the best of luck.
I I hope to connect with friends again when school starts so I’ll probably wait for my parents and come out to a few of them.
Vero.....Hello and a very big LGBTQ+ welcome to Empty Closets! Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! The most important factors in deciding when to come out are: *****Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you. *****Don't come out if there is a real chance that you will be in danger. That includes being kicked out of your house, having no way to support yourself, having all privileges (phone, computer, friends, etc.) taken away, being verbally or emotionally abused as well as the danger of physical abuse. Waiting can be very difficult, but your safety and emotional well-being are more important. *****Being out in middle school/high school is easier now than it used to be...but depending on your school and your relationship with other students, it can still be a problem. Try to evaluate these things and see what you seriously think about the results of coming out would be. Sometimes waiting...even when it is so difficult...is the only safe way to come out. *****You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your parents/friends. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! An additional plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. Again, that can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can easily go bad. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality...giving them some time to think about it too only seems fair! Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help! *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your parents and/or friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're trans?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person. We don't yet have any coming out letters here on Empty Closets that are specifically designed for FtM. However, several of the letters that we do have are really good and you can easily alter them to work for you coming out as FtM trans. Here is the link. *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
