I'M. SO. CONFUSED. I've gone back and forth to ensure i can separate fetish from gender identity. I've been dealing with this heads on for 3 years now. I've experimented with makeup and accessories in public. Not many clothes yet. I've always wanted to be more feminine and have a smaller body As a female, I'd consider myself a tomboy partially I have several memories dating back throughout different periods of my life, though it really only seemed like short bursts, where I wished I was a girl. (Tried on bras and panties when fam was out) I've stressed out about it at certain periods and shaved my entire body. "Trans" is always in my mind. ALWAYS. I'm obsessed. I think I may have gotten sexuality conflated with gender identity when thinking it over. Coming out as gay never felt right but I didn't want bi or pan or whatever else. I want a woman's body so I can fit the clothes I want to wear the right way. I want to do things women do, with women. I want to be a part of that world. Even today, I've felt confident with the idea of talking to my friend about this (which I still plan on doing.) And then I start writing it down and I doubt myself. Does this seem familiar to anyone? Are there any post-hrt females who've felt like this at first but are happy now?
Blueyes, I think I'm in a similar situation as you. I'm currently openly gay, but I was never sure that gay was the best way to describe myself. Not because I'm not attracted to men, I am and have known this and been comfortable with this for some time, but because I didn't really feel that I was a man being attracted to other men. I was assigned male at birth, and am attracted to men, so I came out as gay. And in doing so I kind of hoped that my feelings of being uncomfortable in my own body would go away. But they didn't, and I still don't feel comfortable with my gender identity. I've also experimented with both "women's" clothes and "women's" makeup, and felt very comfortable in both. As a member of the gay community, I thought that maybe my desire to be a girl was really just wanting to do drag. And, while I've never done drag, though it sounds like fun, I have a lot of friends who are drag queens. And the difference between them and me is that when they go home they want to take the makeup off. To them, makeup and dresses are a costume, but not to me. I've also thought at times, like you, that maybe this is all just a fetish. And while cross dressing can certainly be an aspect of fetishism, it is not inherently sexual. Cross dressing doesn't mean you are trans, it doesn't mean you have a fetish, anyone can wear clothes associated with a different gender for any number of reasons. It's all about why you are doing it and how it makes you feel. That being said, being interested in stereotypical women's clothing, accessories, and makeup, while also wishing you were more feminine, is an indicator that you may be trans. You said that you want to be more feminine, to have a smaller body, and to be able to better fit into women's clothes. You also said there have been short bursts where you wanted to be a girl. Have there been any prolonged stretches were you've wanted to be a girl? Not necessarily to be more feminine, or to have a smaller body, but to be a girl? I ask this, because at least for me, while I do want to be more feminine and to have a smaller body, all of those are just components of me wanting to be a girl. That is what I want. And if that's what you want, then there is a good chance you are a trans woman. But I think talking to a close, trusted friend is a good idea. You don't have to come out, you can just say how you are feeling. I talked with my family about my attraction to men before I officially came out as gay to them. Saying you are questioning your gender doesn't mean you are coming out as trans, it just means you're questioning your gender. So question it with a close friend. Talking it out with someone will be more helpful than anything people can tell you over the internet.
From what you've said it seems like you're probably a trans girl. I can definitely relate to gender dysphoria being a major factor in wanting to be skinny. Unfortunately starving myself to be skinny didn't make me feel better about my body and just gave me an eating disorder. Anyway, did you end up talking with your friend?
I'm worried about the fact that I don't know how to be a girl. I want to learn how to speak and breath properly like a girl and move like a girl i just fear I'll fail and everyone will laugh. My body is riddled with testosterone and I want to make sure estrogen will make me look the way i want to look. I don't come off gay or femme very much at all which is essentially total opposite of who I want to be. although i want to keep my interest in heavy music and singing and music in general. I like my male singing voice and i want to keep my range. I'm worried estrogen will change my personality and my passions and my drive to learn. I want estrogen to change everything except for my interests. My friend is actually asleep now. I got off work late. I think I might call her and wake her up by singing to her. I'm getting messed up right now and she told me to sing to her and tell her my darkest secrets
