So here's the story. I've known I am gay for about 4 years now, but I'm totally terrified of coming out. I don't want people to see me differently and my relationships with people to change. I feel totally comfortable telling people I'm gay when I know I'll never see them again, and on some gaming websites where some people know me in person I've hinted at it and felt fine about it. It doesn't bother me, I guess, that people know I'm gay, it's just that I can't really bring myself to actually say it to people. I have a gay ###### and #######, but I always get scared about talking to a guy on there. I've joked around with my friends about being gay a lot. It's always been mostly in a joking manner, but I have no idea about whether they think I'm actually gay or not. I think that if I actually tried to come out, they might think it was a joke. Or not. Maybe they are starting to think I'm actually gay. I'm 19 and I haven't had a girlfriend and I think my parents might suspect I'm gay anyway. My mom asks me all the time about what kind of girls I like and will ask me for names of girls I've met. In pictures of groups, my mom will point out girls and ask me their names and whether I think they're attractive. I don't know how my parents would feel about it, but I don't want to make them mad since they're paying for my college. I feel like I've missed my chance, in a way. I think people might think I'm gay, but I've been so adamant for so long about not being gay that maybe people actually believed me.
No, you have not missed your chance but I identify with your anxiety whether one is 19 or 50 years old. Have you had a relationship? If not, start there. Make a friend and see how it progresses. If you like that person your confidence will grow and the repression will subside. It takes time, believe me. I want to think of your situation in another way as well. The more you deny to others you are gay the more you cheat yourself. I won't sugarcoat it. If you came out, some friends would accept you. Some family members would accept you. And many won't. It's inevitable. However the ones that disappear will be replaced by new friends. In my case I am going through that now at a much later age. Years ago I could not imagine being gay. Now I am and I would never turn back.
It is tough to come out. Nobody will care that you were denying the fact that your gay. They shouldn't be asking or hinting anyway. That's your personal business. I've always tried to not worry about what others think. There's that saying, " it's non of my business what other people think about me." Your mom and dad may suspect it and are trying to get you to tell them. Or maybe not? Sometimes mothers just kinda know? Either way it doesn't matter. It seems like you're kinda thinking some people may suspect that you're gay? So do some soul searching. Come up with a plan about coming out if you think you're up to it. It's not that big a deal once you tell someone. Pick a good friend or someone you think will be really supportive and tell them? I waited until I was 47 and if I could go back to 19 and come out I would. These days it is so much more acceptable. Live your life true to yourself. I had a pretty rough time throughout my life not being confident and living with that secret all alone. I don't want to scare you though. Only come out when you're ready. If you've got a good life and you're not ready then take your time. I wish you the best, everything is going to be okay.
