I've realized recently, and really am trying to own, that I clearly fit the bill for somebody who is codependent. And I don't like it. Here's the checklist of common signs of somebody who is codependent. I'll throw into parentheses how I feel each one fits me: Low self-esteem (very much true, I tend to feel very down on myself and constantly look for validation from other people. One of my friend's calls this "fishing for compliments" and it annoys me, and I get why. I shouldn't need somebody to tell me I did something well, I should just trust in myself that I am good at things) People pleasing (I think you all know I'm a huge people pleaser. Whether it is family, friends, or my significant other, I make a lot of decisions based on what I think will make others happy versus making myself happy. I have an extremely hard time saying NO) Poor boundaries (I definitely have it hard sometimes setting up boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others. Sometimes I wish I had more boundaries as that would make me feel like I had more respect for myself) Reactivity (I can be very defensive, and tend to feel attacked when things don't go my way or my opinion isn't validated) Caretaking (This is a big one. I am somebody who looks to take care of other people over taking care of myself, be it emotionally or financially or physically. It isn't even putting the needs of others before my own. It is focusing on the needs of others so I don't even have to focus on my own) Control (I know I can be a very controlling person and genuinely become irrationally angry when things don't go exactly how I want them to) Dysfunctional communication (I think this is where things like my insistence to not always be truthful with everybody comes in. Sometimes I wish I could just own my decisions and tell everybody about them, regardless of what judgment they might put forth onto me about it) Obsessions (I'm not sure that I entirely get how this one fits in, but I'm sure that it does in a way. I guess I've been obsessed with people at times) Denial (Well....I think we found the pink elephant in the room) Problems with intimacy (I've definitely had people, including my therapist when I was seeing him, tell me that my leaning on sex is a clear indicator that I don't really know how to be intimate with people. That I use sex as an easy fix to feel the kind of intimacy that you should actually be able to feel in a relationship without it. I see the truth to this) Painful emotions (So what I'm reading basically says that being codependent tends to come with feelings such as shame, anxiety, fear, anger, resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. I think I can safely say in the past year I've checked off almost all of those boxes. Great...haha) More than anything else, right now, I want to stop being a codependent person. I've probably been this way my entire adult life. I don't think I realized it in my first relationship because my partner then gave me everything I wanted. She enabled my codependency. Really it is only when you have somebody resisting you and refusing to give in to you do you realize exactly how bad being codependent is. I don't like the feelings that it brings up in me and I don't want to be that way anymore.
I can totally empathise with you - I'm also codependent. For me at the moment, trying to explore my gay side, its tough. I'd love to be out there dating but I'm sure it would be a disaster! I'm trying to work on ME - being comfortable and loving of myself, more self-assured, then hopefully I'll be in a place to have healthy relationships
I've been thinking lately that I'm not sure what a healthy relationship looks like. I didn't have any roll models growing up to show me. Sometimes I mistake things that are codependent as completely normal parts of relationships. I wish there was like a guide book, or silly how to video giving examples of healthy relationship intereactions vs unhealthy. Right now I'm just trying to figure out if I'm being manipulated or not, it surprisingly difficult to tell. I feel your frustration, and I would like you read your posts on this again as you figure stuff out.
I identify with EVERYTHING on this list, including problems with intimacy and replacing it with sex, sex, and more sex. Like Bunny, I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. I've read attachment books, listened to Dr. Brene Brown on vulnerability, healing my inner child, etc. and I still have a long way to go. The hardest part is even identifying being codependent. Very tough indeed. Not only do we have to change as individuals, but we have to interact with the folks/relatives who have maintained that as a family system.
I suggest getting Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody RN. Her work in the codependency field is widely regarded and the book is well written and very useful. Brenè's work is excellent and useful but she does t delve into codependency except in a very peripheral way. I can write more about this later -- it's a pet interest -- but you can't go wrong starting with Pia's book.
I think you just made me realize why, now that my parents are gone, I'm avoiding certain family members.