This is my first post so please bear with! I (M, 27) have been with my boyfriend (M, 33) for the past 6 months. When we met neither of us was really looking for a relationship, but it just kinda happened - and both of us are really happy it did. Things are generally going well (even if the current coronavirus lockdown is a bit frustrating because we don't live together - but close enough to go for walks outside). The major issue is that he is not out, at all. One of his friends knows, but none of his closer friends or family. He knows that I find this really difficult - at times it makes me feel very insecure (he won't meet my friends or family until his know about me, which I understand). He initially said that he wanted to come out before the end of the year, but we have discussed and he now says he is thinking about it more and thinks it will be sooner, even if he doesn't want to put a specific date on it. Obviously I want him to be open about himself and about our relationship, but I also feel guilty because I know that this is a difficult thing for him. For clarity - he is completely independent (financially and in terms of his housing situation), and his family are not very conservative or religious. I want to keep waiting because I think this relationship could really work, but I am finding that it causes me a lot of anxiety and frustration. Does anyone have any advice/thoughts? Open to anything! Thanks
Hi and welcome. Your boyfriend sounds very lucky to have you, since you clearly care a lot. Of course you want what's best for him, and maybe it's you who have given him the confidence to tell his friends and family. In which case, he probably thinks the relationship will really work, too. I don't mean to trivialise what your going through, but it sounds like there's more cause for hope than guilt. TC
This is one of the huge problems that people who are out have when dating people who are closeted. There's really no way for it to not impact your own sense of worthiness, because you are constantly invisible... to his friends and family, to even strangers in many cases. It's very hard and there's no way to make it feel good. The fact that he wants to come out sooner is a very positive sign. It's a traumatic thing, and arguably, more traumatic for someone in their 30s than for someone in their teens, because people's perception of them is a lot more mature and formed, and it means upsetting that perception, at least in part. I think the best thing you can do is keep talking to him about it, talk through the fears, and see if he is ready in taking small steps. Maybe coming out to a couple more friends, before coming out to everyone.
Thanks for the replies - really appreciated. I'm wary about talking to him about it too much - I don't want to make him uncomfortable or feel like I'm pressuring him. Absolutely agree that this is harder at his age (I came out in my early teens and thankfully didn't have any bad reactions - but that was a while ago now!). Does anyone have any advice on what I could say to him to make him realise that it's like taking off a plaster/bandaid (I've used this metaphor with him before but I'm not sure he really got it). Like I said above, I want to keep being patient, but I also know that I can't wait forever (he knows this, I think).
The only thing you can do is have an open and honest discussion with him. Yes, it's scary to rip that bandaid off, and no, he shouldn't come out until he feels ready to--but if he's willing to be in a relationship with you and if that relationship has any hope of progressing, he's going to need to do it. Because as long as he's closeted, your relationship might as well be frozen. Try to be calm and understanding in your approach, while also making it abundantly clear that any future you two have will be delayed for as long as he's mulling it over. Even financially independent and with supportive people, it can be frightening--but he's in a much better position to do it than a teen or anyone living at home. Sorry if this is all confusing. The basic gist is, yeah, he has justification to worry about it, but at the same time, he's in a good position to get it done and over with. Better he does it now, than someone puts two and two together and blabs on his behalf. At least if he tells them, the ball is in his court. If someone sees you two walking together, who knows what wild (or accurate) assumptions they'll make.
Thank you for this - I think you're right. Both about the frozen-ness of our relationship and the bit about people putting two and two together (we've passed people he knows several times while walking recently - I guess it's only a matter of time).
People grow when the discomfort of being where they are is worse than the fear of what lies beyond. It's easy and safe to stay stuck where you are, but it doesn't feel good, and over time, eats away at self esteem. Perhaps helping him look at that and asking him if he'd like to set small intermediate goals (not *suggesting* but asking if he'd like to take additional steps) might invite him to start taking more steps.
Sorry to bump this - I just wanted to give an update (which will hopefully help people in similar situations!). My boyfriend came out to his parents and some of his friends a couple of weeks ago, and (thankfully) they were all very supportive. In fact, I've now met some of his friends which was really nice. Thank you to everyone who responded to my original post - your support really helped me.
This is a potentially hard issue and I believe it when I hear that it's hard and even ruins relationships when people of different "out" statuses are together. I am with someone and neither of us are particularly out, but neither are we particularly hiding anything. We both seem to feel comfortable being ambiguous, don't seem to need a wedding or public recognition, and frankly I'm surprised how obvious I think it is but goes unremarked and how together we are without coming across as "couple-y." Being open has become easier in recent years, and is crucial for many people- but not all. He might be completely in love yet comfortable not being public, and that sounds like it would be understandably hard for you to accept because you would ideally express your love differently. I think people can have great success being together with different tendencies, but would need to talk about it and adapt to each other's needs. It can be very threatening for some to reveal their sexuality and they may need some help to start slowly and in a comfortable spot.
