Hello all, I'm happy to see this website still exists, and it's purpose is the exact same. Thank you for still being here. This may be a bit of a ramble because I'm incredibly emotional and sometimes that reduces the clarity of what I'm trying to say. Apologies. It's been a long time since I posted on this forum. I'm unsure if we are not able to have multiple accounts, but I don't even remember my username, the throwaway email I used, nor the password. It was 15 years ago, so who knows. I used this forum to help figure out my sexuality and cope with the fact that I was being bullied and then outed in school. I'm a 28 year old gay man living in the western US. I am from the rural south, and I thought that by moving out of that environment I may flourish, be happier, and live a rewarding life. I was in a long-term relationship with a guy all throughout college. We met online, and we were each other's first. He was a little older than I, but I didn't mind that. We both found each other, and I truly believed I wanted to marry him. His sister and her husband even asked if I was ever going to pop the question because everyone else including me saw us as a loving couple. We had our spats, but doesn't everyone? I thought we communicated clearly together, set healthy boundaries, always opened up to each other and were each other's rock. He was my foundation because I truly felt loved. Context is important, but I will gloss over all the extra crap. 2019 rolls around and I find out that my boyfriend had been cheating on me repeatedly by using ALL of the sex apps. He got mad at me one day because he went through my phone while I was sleeping and found a guy's messages (this was an online friend, a gamer friend from when I was 13, and we were discussing HIS life and how he admires that I am comfortable in my sexuality since I was the only person he is out to as a bisexual man). I told my bf since he invaded my privacy, I want to see his phone too. He snatched the phone out of my hands when I opened up the App Groupings (you know where you can put extra apps in side without being on the screen). He almost couldn't bear the shame to see me open up every one of the apps and all of the men messaging him and the messages he was sending back were disgusting. 'I can't wait to see you again. We can get in the back seat next time.' Even sending explicit photos and videos OF ME, that I sent to HIM ONLY, for HIS EYES ONLY. I honestly couldn't fucking believe it. We went to the doctor together because he was scared of his own symptoms he was having, but I found out that I also caught the STI because of him. It makes me ill just thinking about it because I used to have nightmares about shit like that and ALWAYS practice safe sex as possible. Now I feel disgusting, tainted, used, and tossed away. 2020 is next. We broke up, but my anxiety and depression only got worst as I had to move back home with my parents; I lost my job due to the pandemic. I still have not been able to recover from this. I'm in way over my head in student loan debt, credit card debt. I started doing temp jobs to save up enough to try to get out, and my brother eventually gave me what he owed me since I helped pay for a few of his classes in college because he lost his scholarships. I used my loan and grant money to help him pay because I didn't want to see him fail. I moved out west again in 2021. I'm hopping around jobs, but COVID really fucked me. Even with vaccines and boosters, I have had multiple infections per year since 2020 which caused me to be out of work for several weeks at a time. I finally also got my dream job in 2021. I was working at a damn retail food store while I was applying for it, and when I got the email saying I got the job, they sent me a contract with the start date of Jan 7. I signed it and sent it back, but I had to call and email them for a full month until I finally was able to get them to send me a new contract and start date for FEB 26 with the damn explanation that 'Somehow your name didn't get passed through our proper channels, here is a new start date and first day instructions (which I didn't receive the first time). I was not able to work another job since in the contract is stated that I was barred from working two jobs while in contract with them. This was quite possibly the worst job onboarding experience ever, and I didn't even want to bring it up because I wanted it so bad. My training went well for 6 months as I was training to be a bilingual customer support rep for a Life Sciences company, but as soon as that 6 months was over, they dogpiled me with work. They revamped the entire department to where I would be working alone on several different accounts with completely different Master Service Agreements (meaning the workflows, processes, prices, EVERYTHING COULD BE DIFFERENT. Down to the date of the software they purchased from my company so the interface could be different). I spoke with 2 other people in my department who had been there for only about a year like me and they said, yah this isn't a normal workload. Everyone else was needing to support only 1 or 2 accounts. Meanwhile, I was in charge of 6 different accounts and providing support for US and LATAM customers. They fired me for bringing up the fact to my manager who then brought it up to HR. Their reasoning was unable to keep up with the expected workload. I live in an at-will state and they're a private company. It was in my contract when I read it again after the fact that they are able to dismiss me at any time as long as it broke no discrimination laws. I haven't been able to find another job since, and doing doordashing isn't keeping up with the bills. I pay over $2000 a month for JUST my bills like electricity, gas and water, rent and car insurance, but I swear to god I'm living within my means. My rent has gone up 80% since 2021 when I moved here. My insurance went up because of the state I live in. Prices of gas, groceries went up. My car is in disrepair because I can barely afford an oil change ($140 last time I went to get one, fucking wild). My credit card payments I can't even make anymore. My student loans are threatening to garnish my wages because I can't pay even the minimum on those anymore. Fast forward to now, my depression and anxiety levels are at an all time high. My panic disorder I developed in college is resurfacing even with medication that I can't even afford; I'm making months long pills dosages have to last 2 or 3 months because I can't literally afford them at all. I have no insurance. I can't get in my car and drive without a panic attack, mild or severe. I have to pull over and recollect myself. I've stopped enjoying even my favorite foods because nothing makes me happy anymore. I can't even crack a smile at a comedy show even though I tried going because I love standup. I've been having violent thoughts, and I know it's just my anger and depression. Bipolar disorder runs in my family, and I am scared I might have that too since my dad has it, but how do I afford to go get diagnosed? I can't even afford $20 of gas let alone psychotherapy and psychiatry sessions to confirm that shit. I was diagnosed with GAD-Panic Disorders in college because I was going to school and the clinic there offered students free access to mental health resources. I miss being in school so much because I was so happy. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I know my experience is not unique to just me and many others have felt these feelings before me, but I don't even know how to begin to remedy my situation. Everything feels hopeless and gray. Thank you for reading and any advice. I appreciate you for it.
SnowAvoidant…..I usually catch people when they make their first post in the "Welcome Lounge" but I missed you there, so I'll catch back up to you here! …..Hello and a big LGBTQIA+ welcome back to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent! ) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out, join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. I'm so sorry about how the last few years have treated you. While I can't do anything about any of it, I can say that all of us here on EC are here to support you in anyway that we can. You can vent any time that you need to and we will always let you use our shoulder to lean on. You are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something”. When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. Only A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) and then only to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can send me a Private Message as you can always send a staff member a Private Message. …..David
Thanks, Quebec. I appreciate your kind words and warm welcome very much. I should have posted first in the welcome area, but I have just been browsing ever since I remade my account and refamiliarizing myself with the website. My feelings just bubbled over until I couldn't contain them and had to write something. I understand that my problems are not going to be fixed with just a forum post, and I've a considerable amount of work to do in order to get myself back on the right path to being fulfilled and happy. That being said, I do appreciate EmptyClosets for existing because without this community, I wouldn't be comfortable in my skin and might not even be the same person I am today. The amount of insight, respect and support I've seen on this website is incomparable to others and is what really sets this place apart. Again, thanks for the kind words. I appreciate your thoughts.
SnowAvoidant.....You're certainly welcome! I hope EC can help you as much or more now than we did in the past. .....David
I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I can't believe your x-boyfriend betrayed you so intimately like that. His actions are criminal in my opinion. I don't think you're a failure even if it may seem that way to you. From what you posted it seems like you're on top of everything despite the circumstances, and doing what you can. I haven't been through something similar, but I have been pushed to the brink more times than I can recall and felt a hairs breath was keeping me from going over the edge. I learned that it's ok to put yourself first and it's ok to be selfish sometimes as long as you're not hurting anybody else. Welcome back and if you need anything, let us know.
i came out of a culty sort of religious background, so tend to shy away from strictly defined 'spirit in the sky' paradigms. That said... i lost everything when i accepted myself. Literally. i'd worked hard my whole life to amass a small fortune, was debt free, owned a 3700 square foot house on 31 acres that i built myself. Had built and run a business for an absentee owner for 21 years, it did about 14m in business a year, and it was one step away from bankruptcy when i was hired to head it up. When i divorced, my former wife got the house and land... all of it. i'd supported her our entire marriage, so the courts decided i would have to support her the rest of her life (she also had a disability). The choice was give her everything i'd worked my entire life to earn, or pay alimony the rest of my life. i went with the first option, didn't want to still be tied to each other the rest of our lives. At the time we were separating, the absentee owner of the business i'd run for 21 years decided to sell the business and retire. The new company was a large, international concern. They gave me a big signing bonus to stay on, and i agreed to do so for a year, but they ended up dismantling everything i'd built. All the people who worked with me were like family, and they drove them off. Since i was also divorcing and had to leave my home, i relocated to another state and went to work for another company trying to do a repeat of what i had been doing. That didn't work out. So at middle age, i went to school, earned a BSN and went 100k into debt with student loans. None of this is meant to be a "poor me" tale, just relating what happened. i can relate to having to dig out of a hole. Here's where the 'spirit in the sky' comes in for me. During the whole process of divorce, being disowned by my family and friends (all part of the same religion), having to change careers mid life, and going from well off and debt free to having nothing and 100k in student loans. During all of this, i felt strangely supported by...something. i have no name or definition for it, but i was at peace... something i never had while i was trying to live as someone i am not. i have/had peace, and also, i never really went without. i've had to work my ass off, no one gave me anything, but i have always felt helped as i dug out. i paid off the balance of my student loans 4 years ago and will have my new house (much smaller lol) paid for in 4 years and will once again be debt free and i also have a peaceful, honest life now. What we go through can be so very hard, i think it can make us or break us depending on how we respond, but i also feel like i was never really alone in the process, like 'something' was on my side. Having been there, just want to say i am proud of you for your attitude in a very hard place. You're doing a lot of heavy lifting right now, but i think you are also developing a lot of 'muscle' becoming stronger in the process.
