Soooo I don't have any clue what i am. I am dating a girl at the moment but I'm terrified to do anything with her. We have been dating for three months and i am scared that if i kiss her or do anything i will figure out that I don't like girls. She is the first girl i ever been with and the only person i have ever been serious with. I am pretty sure i love her but i don't want to do something and then it all feels wrong. I don't want to loose her or hurt her like that. I haven't told her any of this cause what if i am just worrying about nothing? All telling her would do is hurt her. But what if it turns out that I am straight? The humane thing to do would break up with her before it gets any more serious. But I'm a too scared to kiss her and find out. I know I'm being selfish. I don't know how to go about this and the more i wait, it only gets worse. I never check out women which i think is weird considering i do with guys. My girlfriend thinks I should check her out but i don't. I wish i knew what gender i like for sure. I am 80% sure i like girls but 20% is still a lot. I want to figure it out before it gets too serious with my girlfriend and i don't want to make something out of nothing. Writing this made me realize that i need to face my fears and figure it out instead of hiding from it. Another worry i have is about my gender. I am a girl but i act nothing like what I'm supposed to act( The girl/boy stuff is what most people consider being for a girl/boy, the other gender can do these things too :]). I hate shopping, doing make up, painting my nails. I hate women's clothes so much. Guys clothing is so amazing. My dad doesnt allow me to browse in the men section anymore, not being mean or anything, he just wants me to get girl clothes since thats what we set out to get. He doesnt know that i feel this way and its okay. I wish i could wear guys stuff with out feeling horrible judged. My high school is about 200 kids so the people in my grade are all people i knew since kindergarten. I am nowhere near popular. All the popular girls are so judge mental and if you do anything out of the normal, even having a voice crack when saying "here" for role call, they will talk about it and diss you like crazy. Then there is the popular boys. They don't talk about you behind your back. If you do something weird, they will call you out on it or snicker. I want to cut my hair so bad. I cut it a little below my jaw early last year and once it grew out my friends all said that they hated it and that i should never cut it short again. Obviously they where not trying to be mean or anything but it's one of the reason my hair is not cut. The other reason is that i hid behind my hair. I am kinda chubby and i use my hair to hid any double chin i may have that i don't notice. Or if I'm breaking out, ill part it on the side that is worse so i can conceal it better. I have spent too many hours thinking about being a guy. There is somethings i like about being a girl. I like SOME of the girls clothes, like sweaters and skinny jeans. I like some of the simple styles for girls, like the leaf's and the simple patterns. However, i hate a lot of other things. Like i said before, most girl apparel is awful. Guys stuff is so much cooler. I mean have you seen the shoes?? I dislike my body too. I hate my boobs so much. I really wish they weren't there. I would like a guys body more than a girls :/. I feel like I'm 60% guy and 40% girl. That isn't enough to do anything about, but it is still enough to make you think. Idk about it.
