I'd vented to a couple people about it already, but it's still really bothering me. My mom died earlier this year, and with the exception of a few things, life is back to normal for me. However, we're slowly getting closer to Xmas. My dad isn't very festive, my mom was the one that did 90% of the stuff for the holidays, or at least pushed the rest of us to get our stuff together lol. That alone makes me alternate between two moods: 1. Either wanting Xmas to be a typical day and nothing special and 2. Wanting to mail a few Xmas cards and get like 4 people gifts. The part that is making me feel anxious and or like I'm blowing my anxiety out of proportion is that some of my dad's side invited us to their place for Xmas, which my brother and Dad are super excited for. Part me just doesn't want to Xmas in general this year. They (extended family) are extremely religious to the point that it makes me uncomfortable. Other people on that side are homophobic, but Im not sure about this specific part of my dad's side. My brothers been posting stuff with his gf on social media, which they saw. So guaranteed a conversation is going to come up where they wonder whats wrong with me (either for being "single" forever, or for being gay). They live a ways away, so it's a week comitment at least. We used to see them a couple times a year, but over the last 10 years it's only been every couple of years, so it's not like I'm close with any of them. After coming out to literally everybody except my dad's side, I really don't want to live a closeted life, even for a week I'm currently unemployed, but hoping that I can find something and blame not being able to go on not being able to get the time off. Not sure how immature it is, I just want to bail so bad, but not have anybody change their plans for me or feel bad for me. Both my friend and bf have invited me for Xmas, so if I change my mind last min it's not like I'm fucked.
You shouldn't force yourself and feel uncomfortable with people on festivals like Christmas. I'm sure they understand if you tell your Father and tell them it's difficult for you to celebrate without your mother. Nothing immature about not wanting to be around people you aren't close to and won't make you feel at ease. How about telling your boyfriend you don't feel like celebrating Christmas but want to spend the day(s) you Father & brother are gone with him alone. Should you change your mind later on Christmas, does anything speak against you two joining your friend(s) celebrating it?
