1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Can't seem to shake off stereotypes and gender identities-was raised to believe?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ecd123, Mar 19, 2013.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. ecd123

    ecd123
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2012
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I'm a lesbian. First of all, that is so hard for me to say out loud. Noting that I need to work on that.
    Anyway,
    I grew up in a Catholic household. I have come to learn I have general anxiety disorder. I worry about worrying basically. So within the past two years (I am 20) I discovered that I was having feelings for girls and that turned into my first ever relationship, with a girl as well. I love her very much. She means the world. But I have trouble some days with being okay with who I am and with what my counselor and I believe to be internalized homophobia. I am okay with being with her because I just CANNOT imagine not being with her, but sometimes I cringe when we have to be a bit more in the spotlight or when I catch myself doing things that my mother would scold for being "lesbian" of me. I notice when I feel this way about things I do or when we are recognized as a couple (for Valentines day for example, I just don't like attention in general and having it be such a big deal kind of freaked me out and I was uncomfortable with having her buy me dinner in flowers. It was sweet, but made me uncomfortable. I didn't mention it though.) I feel so terrible, because I do love her. I can't imagine being without her. But I cannot seem to fix my internalized hatred for myself and my judgement of mine and my girlfriends affection for each other or actions. I often find myself jealous of straight couples because I feel they have it so easy and I wish I had that, but I don't think I could really see myself with a boy.
    It would be easier for me among society, but I can never FULLY be comfortable with a man. I have tried. I cannot click with them. I cannot get emotionally close. I can think they are attractive and what I thought were crushes were emerge but now I am wondering if I ever had crushes on boys at all through grade school or if I just assumed I had crushes on them because everyone else did.

    I would just like some support and advice. I am going through difficult mental times right now. And emotional as well I suppose. I have either no dreams or bad dreams and wake up anxious and scared. This never happened until I came out to my parents.

    How can I get past internalized homophobia? How can I stop hating myself or judging or feeling uncomfortable about my girlfriend's intentions and actions?

    Sorry I'm all over the place. Thanks for reading. :icon_redf
     
    #1 ecd123, Mar 19, 2013
  2. PurpleRain

    PurpleRain
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2013
    Messages:
    696
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Skyrim... I have no life, and enjoy it. :D
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It sounds to me like the problems you're having come from parental issues. I don't know you're situation with your parents and whether or not they're supportive of your life or not, but you can't let it get to you. You know who you are and that's what matters, you shouldn't hate yourself for being who you are. If you're happy then your parents should want the same for you. Like I said I don't know your relationship with them, but if they disapprove that may be what is causing these feelings of self-hatred. My parents don't really accept me (I'm still in the closet though so this is just in general) and it used cause me such extreme stress and self-loathing because I felt as though I let them down. It's a terrible feeling, but I realized that even if I couldn't make them happy I can at least make myself happy, and that opened up the doors to a whole new life. Since then I've discovered my own sexuality and even gone further to realize I'm transsexual, and I've never felt happier. There lows and highs just like in anything, but I know who I am and I'm happy because of it. You know who you are and that's what matters sweetie, and it sounds to me like you have a wonderful counterpart to be there for you. I suggest that if it is parental issues that trouble you that you try to resolve them with your parents, and if they don't accept you then you need to let yourself be happy. Live your life how it's going to make you happy, and be with the person that makes you happy, and always remember that you're wonderful and that you have no reason to hate yourself. I hope things get better sweetie, I hate that you feel so bad. Just remember that I'm here if you want to talk about anything. I can relate to family issues really well and I'd be glad to lend you an ear. (*hug*)
     
    #2 PurpleRain, Mar 19, 2013
  3. Exoskeleton

    Exoskeleton
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2013
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    0
    I don't have the answers, or even anything that will lead you to the answers. I've found that recognizing your own value as a person and coming to accept who you are and what that means for you takes time. I'm sure the good people of EC will be here with you for as long as that may take.

    You have to come into your own. Parents are important, but letting them define you and what you think of yourself isn't good. There's no need to feel like they're looking over your shoulder, watching to see if your every move matches up with what they wanted you to be. You are who you are.

    Being with who you love and doing loving things isn't bad--it's actually quite the opposite. If it's purely the attention that's bothering you, then tell your girlfriend that you prefer things to be more low-key. I'm sure she'll understand. If you feel uncomfortable because her recognizing your relationship like that highlights the fact that you're lesbian, then you need to move into a place of greater self-acceptance.

    How to do that? I don't know. I think it's something that you'll figure out and come to realize in time. Until then, remember that you're loved. (*hug*)
     
    #3 Exoskeleton, Mar 19, 2013
  4. ecd123

    ecd123
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2012
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Thanks so much. I think it's probably a lot of things, issues with my parents (they pretend my coming out never happened, and it causes me to stress), which in turn probably is the source reason for me being ashamed of myself and getting uncomfortable when I get attention from my girlfriend etc because I know they don't want me to be in a homosexual relationship. Before I told them, I was so happy and loved to "show her off" when we would be around town. But since I've told them, I can't sleep well, I hardly have dreams, I question myself, I convince myself I'm not in love, and I try to find things wrong with our relationship or with my girlfriend.
    So I guess a main part is my parents because if they were behind me on it I would probably still feel the same as I did before.

    I'm just afraid to talk to them about it because the last time we discussed me being a lesbian (or bi, still don't know for sure) they told me that I'm just in a phase and to never bring it up again.
    I just don't know what to do and I only feel like I am "free" to be myself when I am away from home, at school, which I now consider home because going back to my parents house feel like jail.

    Thanks again for your support.
    It means a lot :slight_smile:
     
    #4 ecd123, Mar 20, 2013
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)