Cannot socialize, feel like all interactions are fake

Sorry to hear you aren't comfortable around your friends anymore. I don't think you need to have a 'filter' around them - just act the same as you did before like nothing ever changed. I know it can be stressful thinking someone might find out before you're ready, but they really have no reason to even suspect you're not straight, so why would they? They have no idea that you experimented, and they probably never will unless you tell them.

Avoiding them will actually make them more suspicious something is different than hanging out with them would, because they'll eventually want to know why you're avoiding them.

Please stop avoiding your friends - having people who care about you around will help you feel better and less lonely. You're still the same person you were before, and your friends are still the same people to, so why should the friendship have to be any different? Just act naturally around them like you were before.

 

I didn't come out of the closet until 47 years old. During my closeted years, I didn't have issues with feeling fake with other people. At least not until I came out to myself. I did that when I was 45 years old. So, during that 2 year period when I had acknowledged to myself that I am gay, but not yet out of the closet, I did experience exactly what you're talking about. It grew worse and worse as time went on, this feeling fake. Every conversation felt weird for me because I knew something about me that the other person didn't. Everything they said ran through this filter of "do they know?" or "what did that just mean?" When someone would make a gay joke, or when a guy friend would make some comment on a woman's features, it was just awful for me. It was even more difficult as I started to come out to people. At that time, being out to some but not others just became another filter for everything to run through.

The only thing I can tell you from my experience is that all the "fake" feelings will go away once you are out of the closet. I know you don't feel this is the right time, and that's fine. Just know that the feelings you have right now are temporary and won't last after you come out.

I hope this helps.

 

I echo what others have said. I went through the same thing- in the closet, scared I would be outed and I was miserable. For my 21st birthday, my friends took me to a bar with a hypnotist and I was scared to go up because I though I would reveal I was gay.

If a friend would call me “gay” I would flip out and immediately try to find a girlfriend to prove them wrong. The whole time I spent in the closet, many years, I made myself miserable. My friends wouldn’t have given a shit, I was the one creating the paranoia.

Find peace with your sexuality, come out and let the chips fall where they may. I guarantee you will feel relief and happiness. Keep us posted and rely on us for support. You are not alone by any means.

 

I’m 52 and I came out 6 months ago. I was forced out, but it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I knew I was gay at 10 or 11, but lived in a rural conservative area. Lived a straight (fake) life and I was miserable. I’ll never get those years back, and I’m not sure if I’ll meet someone, but coming out finally let me be me. I’ve been in therapy for depression, but coming out has been the biggest help in getting healthy.

People wonder if they are ready, I wasn’t ever ready and would have spent my entire life in the closet if I hadn’t been outed. After I told some friends I was gay, I started to realize it was going to be OK. I have friends in all age groups, I have a couple of straight family friends in their 20s who have been my greatest supporters. One guy is going to take me to a gay bar next weekend when I visit him on the East Coast. He is young, handsome and straight- he will get hit on and I will strike out, but that’s just fine with me because it will be another big step in my life. I am tried of the shame and worries, wish I would have come out 40 years ago!!!!

You can do it, be strong- you will not regret finally being yourself!!!

 

I thought so too at some point, when I started to acknowledge that I was bi, that everyone knew and that I made a fool of myself, especially concerning my colleagues, but turns out some of them still don't even suspect anything now. Don't underestimate the power of a heteronormative society. Everybody thinks you're straight unless it's really, really clear you're not so I wouldn't worry about it.

It will get better, you just need time to process this, it's perfectly normal.

 

I actually had no intention of coming out. Ever. Even though I was out to myself from 2014, I felt that I had missed my opportunity to come out since I was married with two children. I had made my bed and needed to lie in it. Between 2014 and 2016 I fell into a depression - one I wasn't even aware of - that was worsening by the day. I didn't come to a point of feeling ready to come out or realizing it was time to go for it. For me, my catalyst in coming out was the Pulse Nightclub shooting in Orlando in June 2016. That event basically burst the dam and one week later I came out of the closet. I had reached a point after Pulse where I simply could no longer stay in the closet because it was tearing me apart.

I've seen it said here on EC before, and it was true for me, that most people decide to come out when staying in the closet is no longer tolerable. While it would be nicer to come to that realization in a more rational and calm place of mind, it's usually not the case, at least for those who have been closeted for a long time.

The best advice I can give to you, from my experience, is that waiting for you to "feel ready" to come out is something we tell ourselves in order to stay safely in the closet. It's your fears talking to you, and convincing you that you're not ready. Coming out in spite of your fears takes an act of courage, even when you don't feel completely ready. Good preparation is helpful, of course, so that you have a support system in place, but when you ask yourself, "What am I waiting for?" and the answer is "because I'm not ready," then I suspect it's really the fear talking and not the rational part of your brain talking. You will likely never feel totally ready.

You're young, there's no need to hurry. Give these things a lot of thought. Good luck!

 

Heading to the Boston area. Going to visit a friend at Harvard.

 

I am out to some people, but I am far from being completely out. I really recognize that feeling, you are describing, when I am around people whom I am not out to. When classmates start discussing their dating lives, I tend to take a bathroom break or something to get out of the situation. And if someone asks directly about my dating life, I answer very genericly, carefully avoiding mentioning pronouns. I feel so sad/empty/uncomfortable inside when this happens. It is impossible for me to socialize properly with these people. I feel much happier around people I am out too. Which is a good incentive for me to come out to more people (it really does get easier, the more people I come out to - but I am also lucky to live in a liberal place of course).

One thing that has really helped me is to make gay friends. Gay friends understand the struggles of coming out. And if you are not ready to meet them in real life, then starting online is a good alternative, in my opinion.

All the best to you!