1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Can you help me with my sexual identity?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Engdood1, Jun 6, 2021.

  1. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    771
    Likes Received:
    594
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Not ridiculous at all. I had to do the same thing, and now I know why I could only really get off doggie style.

    Shame is a huge huge part of what's probably blocking you. Ask yourself this.. if you were in a city where you knew no one, no one would 'find you out' and it was very LGBTQ friendly and a cute guy asked you for a drink at a gay bar would you go?

    Would you have any problem being gay ? Most of us realize it's fear of what others might think, this fake straight identity we created for ourselves.

    I realized also that these fantasies weren't just about 'sex' but being intimate with another man. I also could imagine myself smiling, looking into their eyes, telling them they have a nice c*ck... I could never imagine this kind of intimacy with women, I couldn't imagine 'talking dirty'. I realized I had a desire to please another man more than 'getting off' with sex.

    only you can know but @I'm gay and my experiences were pretty much the same as yours and we did just as much repressing and denial.
    I was trembling and shaking when I first typed "I might be gay" here and it was a rough ride for a bit but then it started feeling beautiful to accept that I am gay.

    I don't mean to scare you but also most of us, once we remove a twig from the damn, it pretty much bursts and denial becomes harder and harder -but you know what? Denial also starts to feel very fake.

    Let us know!
     
    #41 out2019, Jun 17, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2021
  2. Engdood1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2021
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    28
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    It’s an interesting question and the answer is I would go of course. It scares me to say but I would love that.
    One of the things that made me ever question was when my girlfriend asked if I had any fantasies in the bedroom because she would do it. I had to admit I didn’t have any but I realised that they had been homosexual fantasies for quite a while.
     
    out2019 likes this.
  3. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    771
    Likes Received:
    594
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes it can feel very very scary to start to accept these feelings we've been holding back for so long!

    I never imagined I would ever be saying this but I love being gay, and even if I could magically 'take a pill' to make it go away I would not. I love how two men can express physical love for each other.. it is how I experience physical, romantic and sexual intimacy, if I wasn't gay I wouldn't be me. It took me a long time to accept that it was part of me, but now I think it's a beautiful part of me.

    I am not saying there aren't challenges- I am still not fully out - but if you accept your feelings is the first step.

    Does it feel good to start accepting yourself even here on the forum?
     
    #43 out2019, Jun 17, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2021
  4. Engdood1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2021
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    28
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    It does somewhat. Maybe I’m a pervert but when I read other people’s posts that tell me I’m probably gay, I get a hard on. Is that weird?
     
  5. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    771
    Likes Received:
    594
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I kind of wanted people to tell me too. I don't remember getting 'hard' but i did get a rush of overall body orgasm. I think it's just being acknowledged for who you are. Finally acknowledging those repressed feelings.

    I think I wanted someone else to tell me so it wasn't my decision, but soon I began to embrace it.

    If your 'journey' is anything like others here, you'll soon feel a desire to want to tell someone you're gay.

    Don't be ashamed of anything you're feeling. One thing that really helped with me is someone once asked, 'Who could you imagine coming home to, kissing and saying "I love you". When I finally LET myself, after all those years ALLOW myself to imagine myself with a guy, my heart melted, and I knew I was gay. I also started to realize it was about love too, not just sex.
     
    #45 out2019, Jun 17, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2021
  6. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    771
    Likes Received:
    594
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I just wanted to note one word of 'caution' to guys trying this... don't try to 'force' yourself one way or another. For years I rationalized that I 'never' saw guys I Iiked in real life but saw lots of beautiful women that 'proved' I wasn't gay.
    Even after I accepted myself this was a huge sticking point for me. Then it finally dawned on me... just because I was gay didn't mean I found all men attractive, or even most men. In fact I found that my tastes were pretty particular.

    That said, it finally felt so freeing to allow myself to look. Most of us that were in denial had an 'automatic shut down' mode turn on whenever we saw a guy that was attractive - when we were in denial it could even cause anxiety. It felt so nice to finally allow my self to enjoy what I am seeing.

    Another cautionary note- if you 're even slightly 'ocd' ish this could lead to 'testing' behavior which can spiral pretty quickly. In my experience this experiment works when you're comfortable with it.


    I used this for denial for a long time but it still intriques me why so many gay guys like women's fashion and looking at beautiful women. I love feminine beauty, dresses women's fashion far more than mens, sometimes I think 'it would be nice to wear that' but more something like knee high boots which was never exclusively feminine .. but I have no transgender or dressing up desires.
     
  7. Engdood1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2021
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    28
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    This is interesting thanks for sharing. I have definitely never even thought about looking at a guy. I think it’s a societal thing in my brain, that it’s wrong or something.
    On the other stuff I have found myself saying ‘What is she wearing?’ to my girlfriend when we’re watching the news or something and then I think to myself, is that a gay thing to say? I have bought myself panties before also but am not really a cross dresser or anything. I just liked wearing them.
     
  8. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    771
    Likes Received:
    594
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Sounds like you're beginning to realize a lot of things about yourself. Look, you can go on having sex with with a woman, closing your eyes and imagining you're with a guy, but wouldn't it be nice to look into the eyes of a cute guy and not have to 'imagine' being with someone else?
     
  9. Engdood1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2021
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    28
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    It would be nice to try at least once.
     
  10. Braj

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2021
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    Bangalore, India
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    @Engdood1 ... My experiences are also similar during denial phase, though my story is a bit different. I realized that I have sexual and romantic attraction for men as early as in high school when I had crush on boys. I thought the attraction between men and women is natural and I will feel that or maybe I am feeling but not realizing. In college also I noticed the difference between my feelings for men and women. I never acted upon them and suppressed them. I still believed that finally I have to be / will be with women only and my fantasies about men are just fantasies. My attraction towards men was not just sexual, it was much much more than that. I could and used to visualize myself living my whole life with some of my close male friends, but still thought that finally I would end up with a women.

    Later when I got job and after a few years my parents started to ask me about marriage.. something struck. Even though I believed and thought that I would finally end up with a women, something wasn't right.. something didn't click and I realized how strong my feelings for men were and I couldn't ignore them and I couldn't date women. I wanted to date men but couldn't because I was afraid of the repercussions. Still I try to rationalize that I might be straight and make up excuses like-- (1) I do notice women, (2) I am not aroused because of anxiety, (3) I have repressed my feelings for women because sex is a cultural taboo and immoral before marriage, (4) my feelings for men are just fantasies and erotic because it is forbidden, (5) I might realize later that I am straight.

    It is a great thread and great comments. Some of which stood out for me --

    For me too visualizing having sex with woman seems very mechanized and there isn't any desire of fantasies and kinks. But with men sex seems exciting and I have fantasies and kinks which I would like to try, although it is altogether different whether I will be able to or not.

    Yeah... with men only I know how to express love and intimacy. It surely is beautiful and I wouldn't like it to be taken away from me.

    Same thing happens with me too, I also got hard when I read other people’s posts on my thread when they tell me I’m probably gay. I get hard just thinking that I'm gay. I kind of wanted to hear it from others that I'm gay and when they did, it was thrilling and arousing.

    Yeah that's true... but I also feel that I have done this with women too. I have repressed my feelings for women because sex is a cultural taboo and immoral before marriage and I am not aroused because of anxiety. Could this be true or is it just something I do to rationalize that I'm straight? I mean even though I might be repressing sexual feelings, I still ended up realizing my feelings for men. I don't know.

    When I notice women, I also found that more often than not I notice their dresses.

    Yeah... :slight_smile:
     
  11. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    771
    Likes Received:
    594
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    sounds like desire and fear mixed together which can create confusion or doubt. The fear is probably external - what others might think.

    Do you really doubt your sexuality? When we take everything away seems like many of us in denial not only is there no doubt, but it feels beautiful.

    Yes, I understand this, I wanted people here to tell me I was gay and I loved hearing it but I wasn't ready to tell myself. That was a nice feeling when someone told me I was gay - but what does that tell you :slight_smile:. And you just said it here yourself - you literally get hard thinking (accepting) that you're gay.

    But you know what, it feels even better to go in the mirror and say it to yourself. It feels even better to have a sexual thought about a guy and not feel guilty or try to repress it.

    It was probably more anxiety around not getting aroused.

    I used 'looking at women' as an excuse to deny I was gay, but I realized I was really only interested in what they were wearing. Even good looking women if they didn't have the right clothes on, I wasn't interested and really didn't want to imagine them with their clothes off.
     
  12. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    771
    Likes Received:
    594
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Try 'surrendering' to that feeling, stop trying to fight it, just experience it. It's like part of you is fighting it and it's wearing you down.

    When I first came here I was in denial and typing all these 'here is why I am not gay" 'Ok, I have these thoughts but" then I just couldn't fight it anymore with the help of a glass of wine : ) it was still facing me the next day :

    It was tough and still is sometimes, but I started to realize how much I wanted to be with a man, to just finally accept myself... it felt so freeing. The fear turned into happiness!
     
    #52 out2019, Jun 18, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2021
  13. Engdood1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2021
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    28
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I’ve been going through old threads on this site and it makes me believe that I’m almost certainly gay. Some of the people questioning say that they would still sometimes fantasise about the opposite sex or see a picture of a girls butt and it would make them hard. This NEVER happens to me, despite the fact that I have tried/am trying. My experience in trying to not masturbate did not last either. I have managed to not look at porn but quite a few times I have woken up and started fantasising about someone I know (there a three or four guys that I rotate in these) and I can’t help myself. I’ve tried looking at all the hot girls on Instagram that are undoubtedly gorgeous but it doesn’t give me a boner, ever. This is so messed up, I just can’t believe that I’m gay. I wasn’t trying to hide it deliberately but maybe I was subconsciously.
     
  14. Engdood1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2021
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    28
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I guess just a small update to those that have been following this thread. It is helping me I think so thank you.
     
  15. Engdood1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2021
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    28
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    As another small update to everyone. I have broken up with my girl and recently downloaded ######. I set it to everyone and swiped right on a few guys which is a big step for me.
     
    Dannytheshining likes this.
  16. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,006
    Likes Received:
    3,847
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's awesome news!

    A couple thoughts:

    It's easy, when you first begin to try out the idea that you might be gay, to plunge full-on into hookups. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the world of hookup apps is filled with, shall we say, not the healthiest (emotionally) of individuals. And particularly for someone new to all of this, it's easy to get hurt if you go in with the wrong expectations. The majority of folks on the apps aren't really there for relationships. As long as you realize that, and that some are so emotionally cut off that they will ghost you after an encounter, then you're good.

    Also (and I cannot over emphasize this), use condoms 100% of the time. If the guy suggests otherwise. leave. No exceptions. The guy that tries to convince you to bareback is used to doing so, and if you bottom, some of these guys slip off the condom (not surprisingly, many of these guys are HIV+ and won't tell you.) Again, this is part of the epidemic of emotional wounding at play among people who frequent the apps. Not everyone is like that, but many, perhaps most, on those apps are.
     
  17. Engdood1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2021
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    28
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you Chip. I am fine with a no-frills hook up but I definitely want to be safe. I feel like I could bottom or top, it kind of depends on what the other guy is like. I just wanna go out with a real man and see how I feel about it. Thanks for your support.
     
  18. Dannytheshining

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2018
    Messages:
    229
    Likes Received:
    93
    Location:
    Washington DC
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Your fantasies are a good indicator, also performance issues. Do you think about guys when with her? I would lean towards gay due to your fantasies., especially if it has been going on for over 4 years.
     
  19. Engdood1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2021
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    28
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    The last couple of years I did start thinking about men when having sex with her. It got rid of my performance issues.
    A couple of times I tried to not masturbate for an extended period of time. The fantasies always derailed it. I would wake up in the morning and be half asleep which is when I would start fantasising about guys. Shortly after I wouldn’t be able to help myself and would jerk off.
     
  20. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,006
    Likes Received:
    3,847
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Now... I invite you to look at the above, as though someone else posted it. Do you see anything in there that would remotely suggest that the person who wrote that is anything other than gay?