Can I vent? Maybe ask for advice?

When you are true to loving your self, you are worthful to others. I hope your journey discovers the peace you are seeking. Focus on your humanity towards others and you will become aware that a doubtful body image is the effect consumerism.

 

First of all, you are not being silly, but it is important to positively reflect on what you have achieved. Like many gay men, you struggled with anxiety and confidence in your 20's, but you confronted all of that and came out to everyone. That's a really big thing to do! Moving on and going forwards is about building upon the foundations you have already laid, so don't reflect negatively and think you are in any worse a position than many other gay men of you age.

You've identified body image as your biggest issue now and I'm guessing it's deeply connected to the on going problems with confidence and self esteem. When we don't like what we see, it does tend to bring us down quite hard, even if other people try to build us up with nice comments. Marfan Syndrome has been ruled out, so you can at least take something from that and put it to one side and begin to deal with things in a constructive way. I wonder, have you/ would you consider paying a personal trainer who could help you with nutrition and fitness? To have that one to one support and encouragement in achieving your goals (presumably gaining healthy body mass/muscle tone) could do great things for you and would be worth the outlay. What do you think?

 

A little personal anecdote...

Paddy, your feelings are similar to mine when I was in my late 20's. I had smoked since I was 18, was in generally poor shape, and with the advent of some arthritis, really started to feel like crap. I'd always been tall and thin - narrow shoulders, short waist, long arms. I was intimidated by guys who were fit, which depressed me even more. I finally quit smoking at 29, and the following year a friend got me to start running. A little while later he convinced me to start going to a gym with him to do weight training. After that I added cycling to the mix.

28 years later, I still don't look like a Men's Health cover model (surprise!). My upper body is a bit bigger than it used to be, mostly in my back. my legs aren't big, but they're strong. The best result though has been my self-image. I feel physically confident. I'm strong where it matters, which is mostly inside my head. I went to my 30th high school reunion and was, well, shocked at how things had changed. Back then I was the proverbial "pencil-neck geek", victimized by the jocks. At the reunion the jocks were mostly fat, tired old men. I felt like such a stud in comparison.

The important thing I've discovered is that it's not the results that count; it's the doing to obtain those results that matters. When I first started becoming fit, I noticed I was feeling better about myself even though my physical progress seemed slow. I eventually realized that I didn't have to have a V-shaped torso, the next-to-impossible six-pack, or a 19:00 minute 5K time in order to feel good about myself. I like running, and lifting weights, and cycling for the way they make me feel.

Good luck. If you decide to take up a fitness program, talk to your doctor. Feel free to ask here for advice or suggestions. Be warned, I can tend to evangelize about the subject...

 

Great job on coming out and trying to enjoy your 30's more. As mentioned you could go to a trainer for help setting up a diet and workout plan. I would think you could just pay for one session to get the plan established and then work on your own. You just have that body type that's hard to gain muscle so don't expect massive gains. As also mentioned, hopefully the other benefits of workouts will be worth it and the size gains won't matter as much with the right mindset. Good luck and I hope this all goes well for you!

 

Hi there! Just wanted to say I understand what you're going through. I'm 21 but I deal with anxiety too. It sucks. I also understand what it's like to not like how you look. I've dealt with that a lot. Some days I still wish I looked better, but I'm trying to get past that. You sound super hot to me and confidence and all the other things you have to offer are the most important things anyway. Now go out there and break some hearts.

 

Yes, at 31 there is still SOOOO MUCH time to get what you want done.

Here is the thing. I know everyone is focusing on how to get you more muscle and the like, and that is great, but you can't stop living your life until you get to the "magic number" that will make you happy.

If you only focus on gaining weight, then the same thing will happen with your coming out. That is to say, gaining weight is not the bullet proof way to live your best life. You have to do it while you gain weigh and muscle. You can't wait for this magical number to live.

You have to focus on improving your self-esteem over all. Learning that you are worthy of boyfriends, dates, hook ups RIGHT NOW and always. You are worth it all even when you are skinny, fat, whatever. Its hard work, but you can't base your self-esteem on things you can't control (Your body will go away as you age). You have to ground your self-esteem on something much deeper than a nice body.

I personally have SO MANY fucking pimples, I'm a chubby guy, I'm short, my nose is big, my hairline is residing, I can't wear my old clothes BUT I am still worthy of love, beautiful friends, an amazing husband and a great life. Yes, I will continue to work on what I want in my life, but meanwhile I will not take my life for granted. My worth isn't grounded on the approval of other people and whether or not they think I'm attractive, but it took me years to get there. And sometimes I still feel like shit and beat my self up, but I have gotten better at not being stuck there for too long.

I would start by looking at the work of Brene Brown. Watch her TedTalks and if things click for you start looking into her books and her other research.

 

This is so true. Honestly the op sounds perfect the way he is. Someone out there will love you for you.

 

I mean, I'm not a model myself. I have problems with my skin breaking out, and I don't have a perfectly toned stomach. There are girls out there who are hotter than me. But that doesn't stop me from chasing what I want. I always go for what I want and if they're not interested oh well. I'm more than my appearance too. And I would hope someone would be able to see past my imperfections.

 

Hey.

You are getting a lot of great advice. I especially found Smurf's comments very compelling.

I know it is hard to work on your self esteem when there is something about yourself you don't like that you can't really change. But, I think you'd be surprised how many guys there are out there like you. I think there is too much emphasis on being a perfect male specimen in the gay world. I think this is a cultural thing but maybe not real. Most of the gay guys I know are not what would be considered "hot".

This sounds really hard to do. But, "own it". I have a straight friend who is gangly with a long nose. Not very attractive. But, he has always gotten good looking women and is married to a gem of a woman now. He uses his body as sort of a comic relief and makes himself attractive the way he just doesn't give a shit. He has always put us all at ease with this.

I am not sugar coating how hard this is to do. But, you have to get out there and give it a try.

Smurf is right about putting too much of your self worth on your looks. I did this. When I was injured and started losing my build at the same time I was noticing the effects of age, I really went through a period of needing to re-evaluate what I value in myself.

 

This is so true. So many people that may not appear conventionally hot have wonderful fulfilling relationships.

 

I say conventionally hot also, because I am not interested in a lot of stereotypically hot people. I have liked many people that were unconventionally attractive to some but very attractive to me.

 

Hi Paddy2018 accept who you are thin. there are thousands of men who love thin! Love who you are. Don't worry go out and say Hi to people with the intention to just have fun. if the person you are with doesn’t fit. Thank him for the experience and move on. There are thousands of people that will love and care for you just as you are. Don't try to be someone else, be you. We are all different in our own ways and it is wonderful that we are. The best thing about you is that it is you! I don't think that others are even worried about you shape they are to worried about there own. Love yourself and live your life your way, set goals short and long term. take baby stems to be open with others

 

Congrats on making it to this point! My coming out process was also slow, but once I started following posts here I realized that is not completely abnormal.

With regard to your body image, it sounds like you are preoccupied with appearance. Remember, appearance is only a small part of what makes our bodies “us.” I would encourage a shift of focus from appearance to function. What things to do you enjoy doing in life? Once you identify those things you enjoy, think about all the wonderful ways your body allows you to enjoy these things. Do you enjoy hiking? You can thank you legs and feet. Kayaking? You can thank your arms and hands. Art? Thank your eyes. Music? Thank you ears. Cooking or enjoying good food? Thank your nose and mouth. You get the point.

Then once you decide what gives you enjoyment, meaning, and pleasure in life, throw yourself “all in” to these activities. People will be drawn to your positive energy. You may even meet people with shared interests. Romantic chemistry is about so much more than what someone looks like. It’s about being drawn to someone, about how they make you feel alive, that connection of two souls. Once you start fostering your self from the inside out, I can guarantee you will find your match