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Can anyone relate to this?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInDaydreams, Oct 15, 2016.

  1. LostInDaydreams

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    The idea of being affectionate and loving with a man has always felt a little odd to me, but I never really read anything into it.

    I knew that I wanted to meet a man and have children, etc. because that's just one box I wanted to tick off, but the idea of having a close bond, etc. with a man is something that I've always found hard to envision. Though, I didn't evision an alternative with a woman, as that just wasn't an option.

    When my (male) partner and I nearly split up a few years ago, I can remember thinking that I'd never find another man that I could be in a relationship with, because I was surprised that I'd been able to form a relationship with this one.

    I'm finding the question process is making me remember things I'd forgotten, and give more significance to thoughts/feelings that I'd previous brushed off. Overthinking it all though, of course! :icon_bigg
     
  2. bekahlynn83

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    I can totally relate to this. I can look back at emotional connections to women that I've had over the years that I never thought anything of at the time. I had quite a few, but they were older women and I just assumes it was because I have mommy issues,lol. But recently I've had sexual attractions to women that hit me like a ton of bricks, so I guess the emotional stuff probably was a precursor. It's all pretty confusing though.
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Agreed! Very confusing! :icon_bigg
     
  4. YeahpIdk

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    Yup. I can relate to this a lot.

    I'd always been in relationships with men, hooking up with guys (sometimes girls non seriously), and there was something about me that just wasn't all there. I didn't know what it was. I thought I was just cold or maybe I had daddy issues (adding to the mommy issues up there, lol). But I grew up with many men in my life that were father figures to me. And I don't disrespect men (unless we count my disdain toward toxic masculinity and the patriarchy. which actually takes up quite a bit of space for them, sad). I have men and young men in my family that I love very much. And I know I can be sexually interested in a guy, maybe romantically in the right situation, but I have never been there or been present in any of my relationships. Something always felt weird and off. With sex. With emotions. Everything.

    I think I kind of felt like, "what can you do for me?" Without wanting to do anything for them. And not because I'm selfish. I'm far from it, but I never really wanted to. I didn't want to give them pleasure. Didn't want to be super emotionally intimate. Didn't want to be the romantic one. I didn't know how to give them that part of myself. And then I met a girl that I fell really hard for, and I wanted to give her all of those things x 1000000. I didn't even know I wanted those things. I thought I was a rigid bitch that was untrusting and had a wall up. I just realized I don't think I have the capacity to connect with a guy that way. Idk. Maybe someday and with someone, but the thought makes me uncomfortable if I think about it.

    And long before I even met the girl that made me question my sexuality, I swore off dating guys until I found one that I could connect with. And all throughout college and for five years, I didn't. And I'd think things like, "maybe I'll have to have a kid by myself, I'm not sure I can see myself with a man. Why do I have to be?" I was starting to not be able to picture my life with a guy in it. And before I did, but it was in the most cliche way, like we'd have a house and a dog and kids and do those things. But it all felt really, really distant. Like I was just happy about the house, dog and kids. But when I think about having all of that with a woman I'm attracted to and love, I feel like I don't even need the dog and kids part. I mean, definitely the dog probably. But otherwise, just them feels really right.
     
  5. KSatt

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    I can definitely relate. I thought there was just something inherently broken in me that I didn't have the capacity to develop real feelings for a guy. I'd think I was interested in a guy until I was with him for a very brief time and then I'd start to feel like I was drowning and couldn't get away fast enough.
    I can re relate to bekahlynn in that I finally started paying attention to the connection I'd always felt with women, generally older women. It took a little while before I was ready to accept that I'm just far more attracted to women than to men. I'm pretty okay with that now.
     
  6. doorways

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    Yes, I can relate. All those moments with women "crushes" and moments of why I was so taken with certain women but no sure why they stayed in my mind -- makes sense now. (Wish I could go back in time and realize who I was becoming so I could enjoy myself)

    I never imagine myself getting married to a man, still went though the motions of dating men. Just thought my capacity to relate emotionally and sexually to a man was low, and it was. Being with a woman changed my perspective and I finally feel real emotions.

    If you are like me, you are not overthinking, but rather FINALLY thinking about your feelings - and it's new and exciting and finally makes sense.
     
  7. JonSomebody

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    I can tell you from a male perspective that for me...that after coming to terms to acceptance of being a gay man. It felt odd to me when I was feeling affectionate and loving to a man which was probably from the fact of coming from an homophobic family and dating girls all through junior high and high school and even getting engaged to my high school sweetheart that the awkward and odd feelings came from that. So..after all of that...and to finally realized that I am attracted to men and coming to terms of being touch and affectionate with them initially did feel a little odd for me. I'm not sure if any other guy had this feeling but I can speak for myself on this one and although the initial post may have been target to females...I can speak on this from a man's point of view.
     
  8. Landgirl

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    That's exactly what happened to me. I had a series of intense friendships with women, who were mostly older than me, and like you I put it down to "mommy issues". It was only when my "special friends" became younger, and the feelings I had towards them started to finally become physical, that I allowed myself to acknowledge the fact I am gay. It was like I wasn't responding to the subtle messages I was giving myself, probably because I could only form explanations that adhered to the parameters of acceptable behaviour that I had been brought up to obey, so in the end my unconscious had to hit me on the head with bigger and bigger hammers until I finally got the message.
     
  9. nbd

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    I can relate to this very strongly. My husband is a very particular kind of man. He's always been more comfortable with women as friends than with men. He's sensitive, not a macho-guy, likes sports but doesn't play them, uber-liberal, would never say something sexist or misogynist among "the guys." He loves being a father, in all the goofy, fun, time-intensive ways. We play guitar and piano together and for the kids. Big fan of musicals and doesn't give a flip what other people think of that.

    There aren't a lot of guys like that, and I know I've looked past many red flags in our relationship because I knew that it was unlikely I'd find a man who's as amazing as he is.

    I really think that he's the only kind of guy I could ever want to be with. The idea of marrying a macho athlete, a hunter, a gym rat...frankly that makes me sick to my stomach. I've never, ever had interest in any of those kinds of guys. I've always been drawn to sensitive men, lanky men, intellectual men.

    Women just weren't ever something I even considered romantically, but I'm realizing that I've always been drawn to them in a deeper way than men. I've always been in awe of my friends, how we run our families and our workplaces while among less adept men. It's only in the last few months that I've let myself think about women sexually, and it's like a switch has flipped. This makes sense. It's possible to have love and attraction in a package where I don't have to feel patronized and inferior.

    As I'm growing and my sexuality is changing, I'm seeing men in a different light. I've been looking hard, trying to see where there's anything behind their toxic masculinity. In those I love, I can find it and respect it. I see it in my husband, and we're working together to fix some of the power imbalances that have crept into our marriage. Hopefully that will save our relationship and I can build on our love and attraction once we've identified and fixed our mistakes.

    Time will only tell if that will be enough, and if my newfound identity as an awakened feminist and bisexual woman will be satisfied in a marriage with a man. A good, progressive, growing man.
     
  10. yeehaw

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    Oh yes, I can related to all of this. I thought I was broken. Really. I have a history of sexual trauma and I thought it broke me. I knew I was different, I just didn't quite understand completely how and why. I thought I wasn't capable of being "in love" or reacting normally to sexuality, of having crushes. I can see now, that all along I had crushes, and probably even fell in love a little bit, but only with women, and I was less than zero percent willing to see those experiences for what they were. In my head I labeled it unpredictable social anxiety, because there were some people I was not willing to remain in the same area of--this only happened with women. Mostly with tattooed women with dark curly hair. Sigh. Also, I thought it was really weird that I hyper-noticed details about certain people, but only certain people. This also only happened with women. I just thought, rather hatefully, that I was just WEIRD.

    Now that I understand I'm gay I feel far less broken. I'm not broken. I'm gay. Honestly, I kind of LOVE seeing myself as not-broken. It's much better.