I concur with the pre-grieving thing. I grieved my dad when he was forced out of the family home and left town. I grieved him again when he moved even further away. My mother when she attempted suicide and was in a nut-house for months when i was 3. He fought to have her released and for us (self and sister) not to be put in care. Any wonder why i don't feel much love for her now..... I'd already thought she was gone at age 3. Only now at 55 am I in therapy and sifting through the related issues, and yes, in the meantime I've been pretty Fd up, and proactively chose not to procreate. I'm really happy to now have the opportunity to unfuck myself, painful though it is. Sadly it's far too late for my mother, never present in herself either then or now.