Hey this is probably gonna be pretty long but I’m an absolute mess at the moment and could use some help I am writing this cause I need some advice on how to come out to parents. I’m gay and at university and I’ve come out to a number of friends now who are all supportive. My best friend who I live with has helped me through some very tough times. However my mental state is at an all time low at the moment and I can’t really enjoy anything I do at all and basically cry myself to sleep most nights. I think one reason for this is the fact that in being gay I feel like I’m a disappointment to my parents, my mum especially is adamant on having grand kids and always asks me if I’m taking to any girls or if I’ve found a girlfriend yet and there’s no way my dad will like the fact I’m gay, he’s the type of dad who wants his son to have a wife and kids and do manly things etc. my grandad said that gays should be rounded up on an island and that not even animals do what gay people do whilst I was sat right next to him whilst my mum was in the room. We got home and I went upstairs and cried and that comment makes me suicidal to this day. My mum did say that if I came out she’d “go along with it” but that has the tone of “I’ll tolerate it but I won’t be happy”. I’m stuck with what to do in this situation. I’ve never felt so lost. I’m so lonely and I’ve never had a bf so I don’t have anyone super close who can fall back on. This past week I’ve been close to suicide as all these thoughts caught up with me and I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. Luckily my absolute babe of a friend is gonna help me with doctors appointments so I can start fighting the depression but I still cannot find the courage to tell my parents that I’m gay. The other day I messaged my mum telling her how bad my mental state is and she asked if there was any cause for it, i said nothing g but I think this may be one of them. I’m a very nervous and shy person at the best of times so I can’t even begin to think about how to tell them, I doubt I’ll be able to do it face to face without breaking down in floods of tears and running away. I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to open up to them about it. Any advice on how to approach this would be appreciated cause I can’t be myself properly around my parents at the moment. Thanks x
Firstly if I could give you a big hug I would xx. There is absolutely no shame in being gay. We can't help the way we are wired. There should be some counselor services at the University so I really encourage you to take this up ASAP. Counselling can be a powerful tool I personally think you have to love yourself and be really strong before you tackle your family. Support for your mental health is really important too so make sure you go to those appointments. Again there is no shame in admitting your struggling with your mental health. Alongside any medication you may be prescribed for depression I would encourage some exercise, running is really good, gym and or any sport. Go for walks too and enjoy the outdoors. Do things that make you happy. You have to realise it might not be possible to come out to family until you have your own home. Because I wouldn't want you putting yourself in any danger. When the time is right I would say come out to your mum as eventually she sounds like she will be more accepting longer term. But please don't do this right now. I feel your mental and physical wellbeing needs to be strong first.... I told my mum over the phone but you could text or write a letter. We come out in ways that work for us. Jon xx
Dear Lord, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Please don't do anything rash. Suicide is not the answer to any problems.You would just leave more heartache behind for your loved ones. I agree with Rade that you need to get some counseling from the staff at your university as soon as possible and get some professional help dealing with depression. Your situation with your folks reminds me of my own situation when young. My parents said all sorts of horrible things about gay people when I was with them. As difficult as it might be, the long term solution is for you to find the right moment to tell your parents that you are gay. If not through a face to face encounter, leave them a message via text or letter, post it on social media, or wear a rainbow or LBGTQ shirt home and let them draw their own conclusions. Why should you torture yourself and be trapped by hiding this important aspect of your life? It's brought you nothing but unhappiness and misery. Unless your folks have serious health issues, I very much doubt that they will have a heart attack and die. Your father might rage and your mother might cry. That's too bad. Hopefully, if they truly love for you, they will overcome their shock and disappointment and accept you. You cannot go on living in this situation my young friend. A therapist can help you cope but until you get this out in the open, you won't solve the long term problem. You deserve happiness and have many years in front of you. Don't despair. Stay positive and be confident in who you are! There are solutions! *smile*
Hi! I’m sorry that you are going through such a difficult time and please be assured that my thoughts are with you. You’ve touched on some very sensitive issues and, for the sake of your emotional wellbeing and personal safety, you should not come out to your family until you are completely ready: there’s absolutely no pressure or rush. And, as Rade rightly mentioned, you may need to wait until you have left home before doing so. I know that moving out may not be possible until you have graduated from university and built up some savings through full-time employment so, in the meantime, you need to ensure that your current situation is as bearable and manageable as possible. And, by making an appointment to see your GP, you’ve taken the most pragmatic and sensible option. If it makes you feel more comfortable, you can take a friend along with you to the appointment and, if necessary, your GP can refer you to between five and 20 CBT sessions (which are free on the NHS). Before your appointment, you may also want to write down a list of things that you want to bring up (such as how you’re currently feeling, how your mood and situation are affecting your daily life, any upsetting events from the past, and any questions that you want answering). The Mix, an organisation that provides confidential support for young people aged under 25, have published a really useful guide on what to expect when you see your GP about a mental health issue: https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-he...ur-gp-about-a-mental-health-problem-6835.html Exercising regularly (ideally between 75 and 150 minutes per week - it doesn't matter whether you're doing some gardening and going for long walks, or playing football and tennis with your mates) can have such a positive effect on your mental health, as can drinking/eating healthily and abstaining from alcohol/tobacco. These online resources provide helpful information on how exercise and food can improve your emotional wellbeing: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/how-to-using-exercise & https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/food-and-mood Rade has given some great advice and Dionysios has provided some kind words of reassurance, so there’s not a lot I can personally add to that side of things. If you ever need to talk to anyone anonymously, though, there are a number of organisations that you can contact. You may have already used some of these services, but I just want to make sure that all bases have been covered. CALM (also known as the Campaign Against Living Miserably) run a phone and web chat helpline - which is open between 5pm and midnight every day - for men aged under 45 who are concerned about their mental health and/or who have thought about suicide. Papyrus, a mental health organisation that provides support for young people aged under 35, operate a suicide prevention helpline called HOPELINEUK, which can be reached via email, phone and text. You can also visit your local Mind office, as they arguably provide the most comprehensive mental health service in the charity sector. Switchboard LGBT can be contacted via email, phone and web chat if you need advice or information on anything that’s related to your sexuality (they normally send a bespoke and detailed reply to emails within 72 or 96 hours). The Norfolk LGBT+ Project, meanwhile, offer peer-based support, which includes one-to-one appointments and, if you’re under the age of 25, four youth groups in Breckland, Great Yarmouth, King’s Lynn and Norwich. And, as Rade mentioned earlier, you can contact your university for support: UEA provide one-to-one counselling and therapy, as well as support groups and workshops, while Anglia Ruskin University and The University Of Suffolk both run their own counselling and wellbeing services.
