1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Came out to myself at 30

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Maicob, Mar 24, 2014.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

Page 1 of 2
  1. Maicob

    Maicob
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2014
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Athens, Georgia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It seems like I'm an outlier in coming out to myself at 30. A nasty mix of abuse and bullying at school, physical isolation in a conservative place for the last 11 years, and a lot of stress made it hard to even think about.

    The mental barrier I built started to fall a few months ago when I binged on gay porn without even thinking about it. It just...happened. Don't know where it came from, but I'm glad it happened. Everything started to make sense after that. Now that I can accept it, a lot of things are coming back to me, like repressing fantasies. I couldn't imagine doing anything with a woman, and I'd spent my life fighting back the fantasies that came to me naturally.

    The worst part of it was that I convinced myself the attraction I felt for guys was anxiety due to the problems I had growing up. I'd force it down just like the fantasies and think I felt better. But now that I don't fight it, it's the greatest feeling ever. It's the feeling I've heard so many straight people describe. Except I feel it for other guys.

    The weirdest thing is how repressed memories keep popping up, like making out with guy friends before I had a word for what I was. I started to suppress my feelings when I was around 15 because of one incident. I liked a friend and asked if we could kiss. He told me it was weird and wrong and gave me a word for it: "gay." This was the first time anyone had a problem with it, and it was the last time I felt good before the 15 years of depression.

    Coming out to my parents was uneventful. They just reaffirmed that I would always have a place to live whether I was 9 or 99 and that they would always love me no matter what. My parents are about as progressive as you can get, so that didn't surprise me, but it was nice to hear.
     
    #1 Maicob, Mar 24, 2014
  2. Jim1454

    Jim1454
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Congratulations - and welcome to EC!
     
    #2 Jim1454, Mar 24, 2014
  3. White Knight

    White Knight
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2014
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Istanbul, TR
    Happy that you finally found yourself. Welcome to the EC.
     
    #3 White Knight, Mar 24, 2014
  4. greatwhale

    greatwhale
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey Maicob, congratulations!

    The first day after I came out to myself was an indescribable and completely unexpected feeling: liberation, lightness, and a sense of freedom I never experienced before...it was like having a new pair of eyes!

    Welcome to EC! Let us reason, laugh and learn together on this great adventure!
     
    #4 greatwhale, Mar 24, 2014
  5. a1rborne

    a1rborne
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2014
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Switzerland
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Maicob, congratulations! :thumbsup: Nice to hear that it only took you a few months to fully accept yourself. In my case this struggle lasted about three years...
     
    #5 a1rborne, Mar 24, 2014
  6. eggnog

    eggnog
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Maicob, congrats!! I came out to myself around the same age and it is an amazing feeling. :thumbsup:
     
    #6 eggnog, Mar 24, 2014
  7. TTSP

    TTSP
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2013
    Messages:
    77
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I'm only out to myself six months ago. I think I went through similar experiences, bullying and repressing fantasies etc. it all makes sense now. Last couple of months haven't been easy. I'm not really out to everyone but I'd say most people probably know or suspect. It's a strange experience a lot of 'what ifs' but at least I know what it is like to be human and feel sexual attraction. My life seems to have been devoted to coding the right thing and getting a job etc. now I realise I've spent my life planning and working towards a future that doesn't exist :rolle:

    (&&&)
     
    #7 TTSP, Mar 24, 2014
  8. link4816

    link4816
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2013
    Messages:
    85
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Washington DC
    I am excited for you, Maicob. I have been out to myself since I was about 13 years old, but I came out to another person for the first time (my wife) last May when I was 30. Consider yourself lucky you did not go off and get married or have kids before you realized. Now you can do both with a man, if you want.

    I am interested to hear more about your coming out experiences, especially since we are the same age. Best of luck!
     
    #8 link4816, Mar 24, 2014
  9. Maicob

    Maicob
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2014
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Athens, Georgia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Uneventful so far. I came out around when several celebrities came out, and while anti-equality laws were in court, so I think a lot of people were thinking about it on a higher level then. That might have helped a bit.
     
    #9 Maicob, Mar 24, 2014
  10. confused mwm

    confused mwm
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2014
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    WI
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I've come out to myself and only myself over the past few years. I understand me myself so much better. I'm more focused and effective as a person. I look in the mirror and see a gay man looking back at me and that used to confuse me. Now I think he's kinda cute :slight_smile:
     
    #10 confused mwm, Mar 24, 2014
  11. sagebrush

    sagebrush
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2013
    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    What a great affirmation of yourself! :slight_smile:
     
    #11 sagebrush, Mar 25, 2014
  12. YaraNunchuck

    YaraNunchuck
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2013
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes. Similar thing here. It's funny, isn't it, that some of us as teenagers build up these formidable inner mental strongholds, even without knowing it – just to protect ourselves from the truth. In my case, there was a lot of legitimate confusion that I probably could not have dealt with as a teenager, but can now.

    I felt quite ill upon seeing cute guys, at least in the first few months of coming out to myself. I think it was really hard and traumatic for me actually. But like you, after a while it was great, because I realised exactly what other people have been talking about all their lives. No longer did I need to feel subtly dysphoric when some guy would go on about his crushes, cause now I (we) have a sexuality too!

    Congratulations!
     
    #12 YaraNunchuck, Mar 26, 2014
  13. link4816

    link4816
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2013
    Messages:
    85
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Washington DC
    I agree, Yara. I fell in love with a guy a couple years ago, and it was as though I was seeing the world for the first time in many respects. I finally understood the love songs on the radio! All those sappy love story movies finally hit home. This new understanding was certainly exhilarating, but it was also super painful, for example, when I realized my love was unrequited, and when I had to break away from him, that the sad love songs fit my situation better than the happy ones.

    The main theme of the movie Moulin Rouge is something like "The greatest thing you will ever know is to love and be loved in return." (Actually, I am pretty sure this is a line from literature much more famous than Moulin Rouge, but I know it from that movie, so....). This idea, paired with my new understanding of love, has really messed with my head!
     
    #13 link4816, Mar 27, 2014
  14. Maicob

    Maicob
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2014
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Athens, Georgia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    A month later

    It's amazing what accepting yourself does for the memory. Things I've remembered:
    • My first time (it was fun, awkward, brief, and safe)
    • Crushes
    • A long list of things I now recognize as attraction

    And this forum's archive helped a lot. There's almost no good info on the Internet in general on this subject, so this was pretty much it.
     
    #14 Maicob, Apr 24, 2014
  15. bingostring

    bingostring
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Messages:
    2,083
    Likes Received:
    113
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Its extraordinary how the human mind works under certain circumstances. The denial, burying of memories … all in the name of what ? Self preservation and fear.

    But it is great you have reached this phase and now things start to happen for you !!
     
    #15 bingostring, Apr 25, 2014
  16. happydavid

    happydavid
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2014
    Messages:
    1,617
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    A town near Birmingham England
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You brave person you :-D
     
    #16 happydavid, Apr 25, 2014
  17. tomboy

    tomboy
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2014
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Southern California
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Congratulations to you! I too am in my 30s and just figured out about a year ago that I am gay. It's actually a great feeling to know yourself, isn't it?
     
    #17 tomboy, Apr 28, 2014
  18. Maicob

    Maicob
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2014
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Athens, Georgia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think I just had a speed run through the Depression and Anger stages. I was feeling down about how hard it is to date as a gay person (small town or otherwise), then broke down crying, then got really angry, and started to feel better after a while. Is it normal for it to just come out of the blue like that? I think I've wobbled between denial and fake-acceptance these last few months, and the reality of it all just hit me like a sack of bricks.
     
    #18 Maicob, May 2, 2014
  19. homoblomo

    homoblomo
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2014
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    i think this can happen, I mean I went through all the stages in the span of like 3 years. I knew I was different ever since like I was born, I realized what I was when I was 11, and I accepted it when I was 14. It felt amazing when I said it out loud. good for u, it is never to late to be happy with oneself.
     
    #19 homoblomo, May 2, 2014
  20. Wdwrker

    Wdwrker
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2014
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I think it's wonderful that you've reached that place! I'm still trying to come to terms with it myself. Congratulations!
     
    #20 Wdwrker, May 3, 2014
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 1 of 2