So I was e-mailing a friend I have known since we were 13 (that's 24 years so far...) and told her I'm gay. Her response was "I've always known you were gay. LOL. Love you! Unless you're serious.... in which case, since when?" I e-mailed back, explaining, and haven't heard from her since. Honestly, I didn't think it would be a big deal to any of my close friends. But now I'm starting to wonder.... Also, my daughter was searching something in the laptop history and asked me "What's empty closets?" I told her it was a website that that offers support to gay people. She asked "So why are you....????" then went on to change the subject before I answered. I was debating whether to make some excuse about research, but just went along with the subject change. Missed an opportunity. But I'm still not sure about the best way/time to tell her. And I wasn't sure if I should tell her without having a chance to warn my husband that I'm going to... I don't like the thought of her having to keep a 'family secret' (because it would have to stay that way as long as I stay with my husband or he will lose his job...) Maybe this doesn't quite qualify as a coming out story...
I know your husband is a minister, but I still don't really understand why this would cause him to lose his job. How can he be held responsible for what are essentially your private feelings? He doesn't have any power over them. He can perhaps encourage you to make the "right choices," but ultimately, they are your "choices." How long has it been since you emailed your friend? If you want to hide things from a teenager, you will have to clear your browser history. Otherwise, she will come to EC and look for herself. More specifically, she will use your browser history to find, for example, this exact thread. Although, I suppose in that case you would no longer have to worry about when to come out to her. Incidentally, my parents got divorced when I was about 18 (I've read your other threads). The period between when my high school support system had disbursed and when I was able to establish a new one was not the best time to be going through that. It's going to be horrible for her, whenever you do it. If you do it right when she goes off to college, or whatever, she will be dealing with the emotional fallout alone in a strange place. At least if you do it while she is still at home, you will be there to try to see that she gets at least some support. I tried to post in the other thread about your daughter, but after writing a very long post, I sort of decided that it had too much of my own baggage in it, and I deleted it. I'm cutting myself off now, to avoid having to do the same thing again.
Oh, my. And I thought my life was complicated! I applaud your strength through this whole process. I know it's not easy. It sounds like your friend may be a little spooked. How close are you to this person? How long has it been since you responded to her last e-mail? I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but if you're sure that she's not responding purposely, maybe it's best to give her a week to process things and then try her again if she hasn't responded. As for your daughter, I definitely think it's something that you and your husband should discuss (from Ianthe's post I gathered that he's a minister? And that there may be some issues with privacy...? Not sure what's going on there...) before telling her. It seems like she already knows that something's going on, so perhaps the two of you should talk sooner rather than later. Make sure you're on the same page, and then tell her. Good luck with everything--you are so brave!
Thanks! Heard from my friend tonight & nothing has changed That's a relief. Couldn't really answer questions with hubby & kid at home, but we will be able to talk openly when we get together. Yeah, I guess it's time for another heart to heart with my husband about how to handle this. It would be nice to live openly, but have to consider the fallout. It's not all about me. In our convention a minister would be required to take a year off, then be evaluated before returning to work (probably have to find another position first) in the event of a divorce. Information tends to move fast through a community... and my being gay would be a scandal that would make things much harder for my husband in his position, but also for my daughter (this is a small town). Wish I knew I was gay before I married (sigh...) It never even crossed my mind to question. There were so many other reasons to find men repulsive. Lol. I am anxious about the timing, but thankful to finally know myself.
That's wonderful about your friend accepting you. I think that's really wrong about your husband's job. He should not be held responsible for things that are obviously out of his control. I think the line I bolded above is a reference to the "abuse" you mentioned in your introductory thread. You realize your husband has it backwards about that, right? The abuse didn't make you gay, but it made it more difficult to realize that you were. (It's also probably the reason you think it's okay to have an "agreement" with your husband in which you are basically tolerating unwanted sexual contact in order to fulfill his needs. Sex is really supposed to be a mutual joy; neither person is supposed to be just sort of enduring it. You should really be careful--you could re-traumatize yourself that way.)
