I'm not sure if anyone who is female can relate to this or maybe it's just me because I am probably not as gay as I thought I was. I am sexually attracted to women, but don't have the romantic/emotional capacity to be with one. I am unable to be emotionally invested in women and I don't think that's going to change. Every time I put myself out there, whether it be through dating or even trying to make friends, they are either uninterested, distracted, distant, or checked out. EVERY TIME. Sometimes they are downright mean. Women have been mean to me my whole life. I understand that not all women are like this. If I did have the romantic capacity, I probably would have worked through the issues I described with my female partner, but I don't have it. I also recognize that I'm not really putting myself out there romantically. I come off as stilted and awkward around women and it just doesn't come natural for me. I am 28 now and if I wanted a relationship with a woman to happen, I would have made it happen already, as opposed to actively avoiding the possibility. But I haven't and I won't. I'm not going after men either so it could very well be that I'm just not a relationship person. I just can't picture a happy future with a woman. I try and I try and I just can't. How does awkward tension, anxiety and drama make for a happy relationship? I want to go home and be excited to talk to my partner, not be afraid of them. I want to feel comfortable being around my partner. I want emotional connection. I want to us to be able to laugh and share stories together and connect over that. I want to be accepted for my quirky traits and not be dismissed with silence or avoidance. I want to be able to rant about my problems without worrying that they are not paying any attention. I want to know that my partner is there for me and I can always go to them for support. I don't see that being a woman, except for my mom (lol). I don't know why people are saying women are at connecting emotionally with other women vs. men. I think that's a load of bulls***t. I have only been able to connect this way with men, at least in a romantic sense. I hate that I continue to have sexual attraction, but I have to accept that and accept that I don't have the capacity romantically or emotionally for female companionship. My female friends are dwindling by the year and I think given everything, it makes perfect sense. I have given up on women and I think it's for the best emotionally and mentally. I think I can only be satisfied sexually with a woman and romantically with a man. Unless I have that romantic/emotional connection, there is no way I am gay or bi in my book. I hate that this is the case and I wish I could change my orientation, but at the end of the day, nobody can do that and you are who you are. Thanks for listening to my TED talk. *gives a thumbs up sign*
I am more than double your age and up until now I have only had either shallow relationships with no chance of developing deeper or disastrous and abusive relationships. Even with that, recently I met a man and we have developed (at least so far) a pretty good relationship. 28 is way too early to give up. I think that this is really telling. If you also are not developing any relationships then trying to blame not being able to relate to other women on the other women seems specious. I think the last part is really telling. In my experience women are more likely to connect emotionally than men but certainly this does not apply to all women or all men. The one thing that is a common factor in all of your interactions is you. If you refuse to connect to someone then they cannot connect to you. This along with what you said in the previous quote tells me that you need to work on yourself. I think that you should try therapy. Work on being more open and developing relationships should be the first step for you (assuming that you would actually do the work).
I’m sorry you went through those experiences. I didn’t mean for it to sound insensitive. I am only giving up because no one has ever wanted anything to do with me and I don’t have that ability to connect. Sigh.... You’re right, it has nothing to do with them and all to do with me. That’s why I’m thinking I’m probably not gay... The reason why I’m not developing relationships is because I’m not capable of having that emotional connection that’s needed. But I also just don’t relate to other gay women and always feel different when I’m around them. It’s not so much as a refusal to connect as it is me not being wired to connect in a romantic way. It’s not that I’ve never made attempts. They’ve all just been unsuccessful attempts. I think it’s in the wiring mostly. It’s like being heterosexual and attempting to date the same sex but you don’t connect because that’s not the sex you are attracted to. I’m just dating the wrong sex lol. I’m going through ACT therapy right now and am working on accepting my thoughts and emotions for the time being. I’m not ready to be open for relationships and I’m not sure I want to.
