I told a little bit of when this happened the first time in this thread http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31386 Now though, it's a different issue. Today, I got an email back telling me of a job opportunity at one of the companies I really want to work at this summer. I thought of this as great news, so I decided to share it with my mom, step dad, and grandma tonight over dinner. I didn't mention anything about volunteering, nor any other form of summer experience. My mom though, still took this as an opportunity to bring up her views on the subject. Ugh, here we go - She voiced her opinion that not getting a job is disrespectful to her. It shows me to be a spoiled brat. Not getting a paying job shows that I don't care about my financial situation, that I'm of the mood that if anything happens, I'll just have my parents to fall back on. She told me that if I don't get a paying job this summer, that she's going to stop working her ass off to support me. She'll sell her properties and move into a single room house with her new husband so that there is no room to accommodate me if I wanted to come home for a holiday or break. She went on to say that she knows of tons of people that would give anything for a paying job right now. That me saying I didn't need a job was insulting to them and their situation. She brought up my work ethic this winter break. Currently I'm working for her, painting one of her apartments in my spare time, working from about 11 till 5. She told me that if I had a work ethic and really cared about my financial situation, that I wouldn't sleep in in the morning, that I wouldn't stop working at 5, that I would work weekends too. She brought up a story of a time that she worked over winter break in college, how she worked at a hooters 28 days of the 30 she had off, full time too. Then, she brought up my political standing. She accused me, since I'm a democrat, that all I care about is spending money. If I acted more republican, I might care about saving money for the long run. I can't say that I had a content face on while I was listening to this, I'm pretty sure I was giving her the evil eye the entire time. I did let her speak her fill, and when she was done I told her this. Currently, I am not dependent on her or her husband, nor my other parents for that matter. In paying for college, she isn't even supplying my sister or I with a college fund. The money that she is unlucky enough to pay is due to her making a deal with me in high school, which I completed perfectly and to which she now owes me twenty thousand dollars payed towards educational purposes over the next four years. This is all in contract too. My sister and I had had a college fund, but sadly when my parents got divorced, it mysteriously disappeared and got invested into rental property of hers of which she now makes an income. After that, I've made her sign a paper with anything regarding finances. My other parents, they have bailed my sister out a few times with money and gifts. It is their choice that they are trying to compensate me with an equivalent amount in order to be fair. It was their choice that they decided to make available this summer ten thousand dollars to be put towards education. My mom supports my education in no way outside of which she is legally bound. As for my financial situation, I have finances planned out for the next two years, a time line a deal longer than the encouraged nine months. I told her that the reason why I want a job this summer is to bolster my resume, and gain experience in my field of work. Being payed would be amazing, because yes, it would help me prepare more for the future. However, I am not going to waste my summer being stuck in a job that isn't going to do me any good vocationally. I would much rather volunteer my services to a company so that I could at least gain technical skill and know-how. I told her too that volunteer work is looked very highly upon, that often times it is an excellent segue into a paying job at a company. As for work ethic, I told her that volunteering shows excellent work ethic. I told her that her argument for work ethic almost seems as if it's only considered ethic if you get payed for it. She replied that yes, she doesn't consider it work ethic if you're volunteering. She said that she in fact does support me financially, in that she provides me a house that I can come home to over breaks (even though the only time I stayed at her house this break was when she left to go to Las Vegas and I opted to house sit for her and take care of the house and pets while she was gone). She told me that she doesn't care about experience or technical skill, that I can always get that later. All she cares about is that I get a job that pays an income this summer. :bang: We didn't talk at all after this, and left the restaurant pretty quickly after that. Writing this, I am fuming. I apologize for the quality of writing too, but I am just in no mood right now to care that much. I have no idea why she is doing this. I just came out to her a few days ago, so maybe this may be a way in which she's displaying her dislike for my lifestyle. All (or at least most) of her arguments are totally biased off of her views and ideas, which are totally unaccommodating to my goals. She doesn't listen to the fact that by gaining vocational experience, I am setting myself up for a better and higher paying job in the future. She doesn't let it be considered that when she worked in college, she could hardly afford the next semester of school. Plus, she's making tons of arguments against me which are totally untrue, and hurt full to boot. UGH!!! :tantrum: I really just wish that she'll sell are her property, and stop working so hard - at least then she'll be out of my hair, and I won't have to deal with her thinking that she has a say in my vocational lifestyle. Ugh, rant rant rant. Thank you for reading this if you did - I don't really know what I'm looking for though.
No offense to your mom, but she needs to seriously lay off you are old enough to make your own decisions. You are legally an adult. Unforunately the downside is that sometimes when parents help their child pay for school, they feel that they have a say in what you choose to do with your life/hold it over your head. I honestly think with this you should tread lightly, and be careful how you approach this one. In most cases a "mom lay off." usually works, but with yours a better approach might be "Okay mom." and be vague with her "suggestions" i.e getting a job over the summer, don't give a yes or no answer. That being said, is it at all possible to work part time and do the volunteer work simultaneously? It might be a way to please everyone, if it's possible.
Your mom sounds like she just doesnt want you to stop working for her... It sounds like you're in a good situation financially and really dont NEED her. She cant really get out of paying for your college if she's under contract. And volunteering is DEFFINATELY something you should do, especially if it's in your field. It shows a great deal of work ethic and interest in what you are doing. To do something without compensation shows that you are willing to spend time and do a good job on what you're doing no matter what. You have a passion for it. To me it absolutely seems like your mom needs you more than you need her. Setting yourself up for a great job later on is what you're supposed to do at our age. Bolster that resume with things that can help you! Even if that means doing it for free. If your mom wants to kick you out of the house, or sell all of her properties, then you can either stay at the dorms in your college or find an apartment and move out... But honestly, from what i'v read before, it seems like your mom loves you and I doubt she'd actually do any of the things she threatened you with. However, I do think it's her responsibility as a mother to think of your best interest, which would be to take the volunteer job and then next year you can get a higher paying job and be financially stable later in life...
Your mom is being so unfair to you! She sounds like a somewhat bitter woman with lots of baggage going on inside and you're just the victim of her rants. They're probably directed more at society than at you, so I wouldn't take it too personally. Ultimately you have to do what's right for you. Unfortunately in this case that leaves you with a tough choice; do you put up with her obtuse positions to get through college without rocking the boat too much, or do you take a stand and make investments in yourself that she doesn't agree with? I want to say that you should be able to reason with her that you are being conscientious and that you're looking at the bigger picture, that this isn't about you being lazy or not wanting a paying job, but I don't get the sense that she'll be willing to apply reason. You'll have to make these choices yourself, so the only advice I can offer is to always be true to yourself and do what you feel is right, not what others feel is right for you. In the end you're only accountable to yourself.
To say it in an unvarnished way, Your mom is completely, totally full of shit. Completely in the wrong. I don't often say that, and I don't like doing so, but honestly the advice and input you're getting from her is worse than useless. I am inferring that you probably already believe that she isn't to be trusted, by virtue of the fact that you had to get the agreement with her in writing, but our natural tendency as human beings is to trust and believe in our parents, and it's as much as you consciously may not really care what she thinks, it's natural to want our parents' approval, and it's clear that's part of what's making this difficult for you. I think you need to do what's right for you, without regard to what your mom says or wants. It does seem like her desire is focused on *her* needs rather than yours, covered up in this smokescreen of it being "disrespectful" to volunteer. She's not going to sell her properties. She's not going to move into a one-room house. She's merely trying to exert control in the only way she thinks she can, and apparently she's so wrapped up in herself, she doesn't see how ridiculous it sounds. Quite frankly, it sounds like she probably has very serious control issues and is probably fundamentally unhappy in more ways than one. So unfortunately, you are in the tough position of having to just make the best decision you can for yourself. And taking the job opportunity (whether paid or volunteer) sounds like a good idea if it's in line with your career goals. So I'd say go for it, provided that the finances will work. If I remember from the last thread, your dad is still supportive, so I'm sure he'll do his best to help you. And you may find that if you simply refuse to buckle under to your mom's attempts at control, she may eventually realize that she *can't* control you and will relinquish further attempts to do so. Please keep us in the loop with what's going on.
Well, she called me this morning waking me up at 7:30 to talk about it more. It wasn't any better than last time either. She even went as far as to compare me to this little s:***:t of a kid that she knows I can't stand. At that point I told her to stop. I told her I was just waking up, I couldn't handle all of this this early in the morning. I told her that I had been hurt by what she said this morning, and by what she had said last night. I told her that based off the arguments she had last night and this morning, that she hadn't really thought out what she was trying to say. I asked her to try and collect what she wanted to say to me, and have it be something that wasn't hurtful or spiteful. I told her to think on that and that I'd be around later that day to drop off some stuff, and we would have the chance to discuss it civilly then. She wouldn't have it though - she continued to tell me off. However, she did focus her fury towards the work I did for her this break. I kept defending my position on volunteering, telling her too that it was only a possibility for this summer, that if I could, I would take a paying job that would give me experience. I told her too how a volunteer job could set me up for a higher paying job in the future. Still we argued back and forth until we just came to a point where we were just saying nothing over the phone. At that I told her that I guess we were done. That I would see her later that day to drop of my stuff of hers that I had, and to say goodbye before I left the next day for school. She didn't bring it up again when I did see her later today - and I didn't want to bring it up either. I had other stuff to do than get stuck in an argument where she's refusing to see any other side than her own. :dry: Thinking over everything, I was really hoping for a different answer from her this morning. I was hoping for something along the lines of this. "I want you to get a paying job this summer Chaz, because I don't want you to have to go through the financial situation that so many other people are going through." Anything like that would have been fine. It would have been to the point, it would have been true, and it wouldn't have been hurtful. I'm feeling like all of this really has nothing to do with me getting a volunteer job over the summer. That's just the form that she's using to funnel her argument and distaste for me out in the open. I think a lot of this is coming from her disappointment in me not finishing up all the painting of the apartment there was to do before I left. She made a point to say this morning that she dropped all her progress on it before I came home so that I could work on it. However, it's not like since I was working there that she couldn't still come down and do paint stuff with me. Ugh, I almost want to say that all of this could have been avoided if I would have worked 8 hour days each day over break. As of now though - here's where things stand. I'm going to try as hard as possible to get a paid internship this summer. That way I can just avoid all the drama that would be bound to come up. However, if that doesn't work - I'll see what I can do with volunteering part time at a company, and then working for pay part time in any job I can get. I am not going to tell her about my plans for this summer, and I'll just keep the information away from her unless she straight up asks. Sadly, I think this is the beginning of a shutting out period between me and my mom. As long as I'm in college and not in a career, she's going to be pissy at anything I do. I don't even want to involve her in anything I do in college now. She brought up the other day my grades that I received last semester, two A's and three B's. She told me that this wasn't good enough, that's she's disappointed in how I'm doing academically - That clearly I'm being distracted by fraternity life, and my recently out life. She told me she doesn't want me to get a boyfriend because she thinks it will be too much of a distraction to my academics. :tantrum: WTF!!!! I really don't want to have to deal with this anymore, and I think politely shutting her out of my life would be nice, at least until I'm out of college and entirely self supporting. Thank you for all your comments. They've certainly helped me to calm down a bit on this subject and feel stronger about my opinion on this subject. (*hug*)
You could do what kids to best. Make her feel guilty for treating you the way she is. Atleast that's what I would do but I'm a pretty confrontational person, I say what I mean. I like to pull out examples from life of how my parents have loved my brother more than me and how they havent really wanted me around. I say things like "What do you care anyways? It's clear you have more interest in my brother's life than mine! At dinner you're always talking to him instead of me, even cutting me off when i have something to say to ask him some stupid question!" and then after a few more examples like that, they see my point and leave me alone about whatever they were getting on my case about. or I pull the "It's my life, sorry if you dont like it, but this is what I want to do, and I love you but you're not me. This is in my best interest and if you dont want my best interest then stay out of it."
Chaz, she's clearly out of control, and has no boundaries, and no sense of decency. I would suspect that, in subtle ways, she's always withheld approval from you, and perhaps that's why you continue to seek her approval. If that's the case, then even if you got the highest GPA anyone ever received at your college, and got a job paying $1,000,000 a year, she would still find *something* that you aren't doing right. If you'd worked 8 hours she would have wanted 10, and if you'd worked 10 she would have wanted 12. People like that are generally unable to do anything but find reasons to complain. Dealing with people who have no boundaries is always a huge hassle, particularly when you begin to impose your own reasonable, healthy boundaries. They will kick and scream and do everything possible to find ways to push and overcome the boundaries you establish, but it's up to you to establish them, and then, with the greatest of respect and kindness, enforce them to the letter. I think your idea of having a "shutting out" period is the best choice. You can start by setting boundaries for phone conversations. If she calls you when you don't want to talk, don't answer. If you end up answering and the conversation gets uncomfortable, just say, without anger, "I'm really sorry, but I don't feel like discussing this with you. It's my choice whether or not to do so, and I'm choosing not to. Now we can talk about something else if you want to, but if you can't do that, then I will have to end the conversation. And if she does anything but comply, just say "I'm sorry, but it's important for my emotional health to establish healthy boundaries, and have them respected. It doesn't seem like you're able to support that right now, so I'm going to have to end this call." and then hang up. She will be really angry -- people who have poor boundaries are always very angry when people begin establishing them -- but as long as you are consistent, and kind, in establishing them, she will eventually learn. And as she learns them in one place, you will probably find it easier to establish reasonable boundaries in other places. She'll pull out every excuse in the book, from guilt to shame to embarrassment to anger to whatever else she can come up with, but it's important to realize those are all manipulations designed to allow her to keep control and impose her (lack of) boundaries on you. But as you are able to set and maintain them, she WILL come around. BTW, in case you don't already know it, 2 A's and 3 B's is a really good college GPA. And likely, as you become better at managing time, you'll find yourself improving the GPA even more. But do it because *you* want to, not because of some irrelevant standard your mother imposes. Nearly all colleges allow you to opt-out of sending grades to your parents, and i'd suggest doing this. The one thing I'll give a tiny bit of credence to is having a boyfriend while in college. I don't think you should avoid a relationship, but I would suggest that you think in advance, before you're in the situation, about how you'll manage your time if you do find a relationship. Boyfriends can very quickly absorb a ton of time, and while it's quite possible to have one and do really well in school, it generally requires thought, discipline, and planning. As long as you're aware of the need to structure your time, you'll do fine.
