Bleh.

At the moment I have no place to turn, and I feel very down these past few days. I need a vent before I explode, so sorry for my moaning and urghing.

This past while it has been very stressful, home and family is very stressful, i feel like ive been losing my friends, exam year and not a soul in real life told that im gay i dont know what to do anymore.

At home, things have been very shaky, a while ago my Mam was in a car accident and she last saturday was given a court summons for dangerous driving. She says she is not worried, and just wants to see it gone. The way the accident went that she overpassed a man who seemed to be stood still, but when he went out he went into her and sent her car tumbling. Mam claims she seen no sign of any indicator and he claims there was. So its a bit peachy and im still confused on how it classifies as dangerous driving.

My mam has schizophrenia and has been in and out of hospital this past 30 odd years. She still suffers heavily from it and when the guard came with the court summons she was pushed over the edge again. She says she wasn't worried but she had a bad night and then the next morning, sunday - took the keys of the car and drove straight out to the hospital to admit herself. She sped off without telling anyone and it was very scary when we realised she was gone. She has no mobile so we had no way of contacting her. Me and my brother drove out and two of us broke down driving and crying going to the hospital, wasn't fun. We went to the hospital and thank god we found her there waiting to see the doctor on call.

That was all fine and its sorted now and we're going into private care to get her reassessed for her medication and get her better. It's just been such a roller-coaster on this. I just wanted to say this because its been eating me up, none of my friends irl know that my mam has this illness or anything that happened. I find it difficult to find to talk to people irl about it. I seem to push them away when they know something is up.

Getting very stressed about my friends too. Ever since we came back to school this year it has changed dramatically. At the end of summer i can say we were inseparable, especially with two of my friends a boy and a girl. I couldn't ask for two better people. But since we came back its like I hardly know them. While they are still getting on a house on fire i have more or less become a stranger to them. I still can't think of what it is, whether its what or say or what i do i get verbally abused by each (esp the girl, its unbelievable the amount of shit i have gotten by her now) its impossible to try and talk to them. they block me out a lot and its ugh i feel alone. I have other friends just not as much as id talk to, so i do feel very alone and i do not know what to do.

Another thing that has caused a major rift, i know it may be something to laugh about for some, they have recently taken weed for the first time and the build up and now the aftermath its crazy how different things are now. I've been avoided and such, since i feel very strong about not taking weed. Maybe i am being a party pooper but i dont want to change my views on the subject. I just feel so lost and do not know what to do about it. Its impossible to talk to them, ive tried several times but they keep brushing me off. Its prolly time to let them go but i dont know how to go about it or make new friends in my school, i will probably wait it out until school is over when im a bit more free and less constricted by school. But im so lost. To think that I was ready to come out to them if the way things worked that i was just that one pluck of courage away from telling them, and now i never want them to know...

I have my exams this year, these are important ones as they determine what college i can get into so im working hard, the stress is ugh, i want to do well to get into the city so i can move away, and ill tell you ill fight tooth and limb to get there in order to be happy, i cannot find happiness where i am right now. Roll on summer and let me get these exams finished so i can move.

I know that it gets better and i truly cannot wait. I just wanted to vent about this horrible place i am in. i just do not know what to do. (sorry for the big long ramble.)

 

Thanks for the replies, they really mean a lot. And yes, Dublin is where I plan to go.

I study hard, it just feels a bit urgh that I have very few in real life friends to fall back on when things are tough - I know the internet is just as good, but theres that little bit of loneliness without actually having a heart to heart to someone which I seem to be incapable of doing.