Hey, So I've already talked a bit about things in my intro thread just in case it looks like I'm about to repeat myself to anyone =P but I wanted to get some things out I guess. This year I met somebody in an open relationship who I saw a few times. They were so interested in me at first, promised a lot, but then completely dropped me. Told me I didn't know how to do small talk, and I think I bored them and drove them away with my depression to be honest. They were pretty nasty to me by text towards the end, completely losing patience with me, and it still hurts even though they haven't sent a single text for a month now and I've pretty much been ghosted. All my relationships and interactions seem imbalanced. I almost always send the last text to people. I'm so, so lonely. Seeking help for my mental health problems but of course every day in the meantime I have to live my life and I just can't focus on anything. All I want to do is talk to someone. Find someone. Find something. End up just being an annoyance and driving people away. I know I can't continue to live like this. People have told me I need to be more positive, less open, more interesting to meet people and make friends. But despite the loneliness I really can't stand the meaningless platitudes, small talk etc. I've been so hurt by people this year, and I feel like such a mess. That despite me trying and trying to get along on my own I'm always desperate to spill my heart out, to just find something, anything. I don't seem to have a personality, interests, motivation. I'm just an empty shell desperate for some kind of interaction. I try the self improvement stuff and to help myself every day, but come the evening and night a despairing feeling washes over me every single day. I just don't know how to deal with things anymore. I'm sat here, late again, exhausted. Feeling rubbish, like a mess. Wishing I could help others more instead of wallowing in anxiety, self doubt and depression. Hoping that I'll get there one day and determined to keep trying. But just so defeated at the same time. Sick of everyone getting tired of me so quickly, of feeling less okay with myself with every passing interaction. Just hoping things will be okay.
Maybe I'm wrong, but to me it almost sounds like you are spending so much time and energy trying to be what you think everyone thinks you should be that you aren't truly being yourself. I've gotten into similar situations and lost my sense of self.
Hi there, From what you have mentioned, it sounds like that things actually turned out to be likely better for you in the end, even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment. I think you said a couple of important things, and they are something to consider when you try to get to know someone: When you start to get to know someone, whether it be as a friend or when you are on a date, you want to of course talk about yourself, and allow the other person to get to know you, but you also want to be mindful as to how much you are sharing in the first couple to few get togethers. Based on what you have mentioned, I wonder if some of the difficulties that you have experienced and continue to experience come out during your conversations, perhaps in way you don't want them to come out. I am sure you have a personality, interests and motivation - and I am also sure that there is somebody who wants to see and listen to you. My suggestion to you would be to continue working on addressing the disappointments, the pain that others have caused you and are experiencing, which in turn will allow you to start on a new page. You want to be able to turn the page and let your true personality come out. You want to be able to focus on not only the person sitting across from you, on the conversation(s) but also on your life, on the things you would like to accomplish. Sometimes, we think we are ready for something, only to realise that we need to work on other things first. That's okay. Place yourself first and ask yourself, what are the things you need to do, in order to be able to focus on things again. Try to think about, what you would like the person sitting across from you (the next time) to remember about you. Take that as a starting point to work on things.
Possibly. I try not to though. But with some people I do feel like it's all about whether it's something they want to talk about and I try too hard to adapt to that. When people are interested in something but don't take an interest in me, but I like them for some reason, I tend to bend myself over backwards trying to make them happy instead of sticking firm and being myself. Thank you for replying =) I know I am probably better off I just can't seem to let it go for some reason, because going through the process of being almost idolised then being slowly discarded by this person was just so painful maybe. I still hold on even if I don't talk to them. My difficulties do come out, it's true. Yes it can drive people away, understandably. I'm torn between feeling resentful for this, being seen as exhibiting red flags just by being honest about myself and my circumstances, and trying my best to be understanding and adapt and to hide some of this at first. With the person I mentioned, it was one of the first things I told them and even after that they were very enthusiastic, it's only after we'd met a few times that they started backing away faster and ignoring basically 90% of whatever I texted them. But I know that generally, it's unfair to be too open to people when I don't know them very well. When I'm having a good day and feeling rational I totally agree. There is a darker side to me that wishes people would understand even if they don't want to continue talking to me, but I know that's not the reality of things. I do try and talk about those things too though. Despite how I feel there are many things I'd like to do and accomplish. But because I feel so affected by moods in my everyday life and it can be quite limiting sometimes, I guess I almost want to get it out in the open before the other person realises what's wrong themselves anyway. I almost feel like I'm being deceitful if I put up a fine and happy front when in reality I can barely get through the day's tasks or look after myself sometimes. I guess it's a mix of me just getting frustrated and wishing people would have a greater understanding of other people's struggles generally and me wanting to explain myself honestly to someone that means I overshare a lot. But yeah it does backfire. I do agree with that though, that I thought I was ready for this but still need to work on myself. It's just difficult to reconcile that inner battle, I've had mental health struggles most of my life and they're not completely going away soon. So no matter how much I help myself I will always be tinged with that. But at the same time it is true we need to present ourselves well to others. I just don't want to end up presenting myself as okay but the other person realising I'm really not and walking away later anyway. Which has happened. Sure I'm working on myself as much as I can daily but I will always be imperfect. And the whole dating game, the whole seeing what you can get from another person, while I think that way myself of course, feels shallow and cruel and when I'm depressed I just don't want to be a part of all those games at all. Sorry I wrote a lot, most of it venting again and maybe some of it a bit irrational but I hope some of it makes sense. Thank you both for taking the time to reply.
I guess I wanted to add that I'm probably really overthinking this. A lot. It's just hard when I've been living and thinking a certain way for so long, it feels impossible to change so I guess I get set in my ideas and ways. But sometimes, when I feel a bit more positive, I can kind of see the ways I need to do things differently a bit clearer. It's so so hard to make these changes. I want to though. Sorry I should have edited my last post instead of making a new one really! Still getting used to this ><
Hi there, Let's start with this: You have a great starting point: you know already the kinds of changes and thing you would like to do, or perhaps need to do. Whenever you have the moment where you realise that there is something you would like to change, make a note of it, and try to start working on it. It will take time and effort; it sounds like that you are willing to work on things, however. It is the case that sometimes, we get so used to things, and perhaps even comfortable until we realise that there are things we do, say, that are getting in the way of us being able to enjoy experiences with others. Try not to be resentful towards your actions, or what you might have revealed. Use it as an opportunity to recognise that there are things to be mindful of, work on. That could potentially help you to start working towards changing things. Sometimes, resentfulness leads to more resentfulness, becoming a feedback loop. I can understand that the person you went on a couple/few dates with probably also stirred something positive within you. Do keep that, and think about how you can build on that feeling. I know it is easier said than done. Taking it slow, and step by step as it were, continuing to work on things, might yield a different result the next time around. Based on some of the things you have mentioned, including experiencing mental health struggles, do you have support from a therapist or a medical health professional?
Thank you. I'm very willing to work on things. I'm trying to do stuff daily, even making a list of basic things and checking it off as I go through the day can help. But with bigger issues it does help to recognise them and to work on finding solutions. It's very easy to get stuck in a cycle of feeling resentful and upset like you've said. Especially when interactions with other people and my feelings about them can really overwhelm me. I do tend to focus on the negatives, I'm very used to it but it's an unhealthy way of being with friends etc. So it's hardly surprising I have issues with other people that way. I think I just felt so overwhelmed with this person. I was on an app for about a year before I met them and they were the first person to get to me. I was worried they would end up finding me boring so I think I overcompensated, and burned myself out emotionally. I know I should try to take things slower and more carefully next time. I do, I have some support from a therapist at the moment. Every couple of weeks. I'm really trying hard to make improvements. But when I get stuck in those negative ways of thinking everything seems almost hopeless. It's easy to feel hurt and useless and just generally bad. I guess it's hard when I struggle with my moods to feel like I have something to offer anyone else. When there's so many people out there, I wonder why anyone would want to know or spend time with me. But I can only control so much about myself and I guess thinking that way really isn't helping.
Hi there, I'm glad that you have some support from a therapist. Seeing the therapist will hopefully help with working on the pieces that lead you to focus on the negatives or get into a state where things don't feel like that they are improving for you. Recognising that you felt overwhelmed with the person and felt burned out, is good as it allows you to recognise some of the 'warning' signs the next time around. You have a great point from which to start fresh as it were: knowing to take things slower. It's a great insight to have. Control the things that are within your control. If at all possible, try not to worry about what other people might think or why they would want to spend time with you. If you find somebody with whom you have a good connection and it clicks, great! If it turns out that it wasn't meant to be, that's okay too. In either case, you will learn things about yourself, that can help you not only to gain more insights into yourself, but also allow you to grow as a person, or develop meaningful relationships - whatever form they take on.
Hi @Cinnamoon - I'm so sorry you feel this way. I wish I could give you a hug right now! I know things can seem hopeless, and I certainly feel like you're feeling sometimes. But I'm sure that there is someone out there for you who will love you for who you are and who will be able to draw that personality and those interests out of you! And I certainly hope that this fact is true for me too! It is what is giving me the hope that coming out this late in life is the right thing to do!
Thank you! Yeah my therapist definitely helps. It's hard between sessions but it's so good to have a space to openly discuss what's happening with me. Helps relieve some of the built up pressure. To be honest I felt pretty overwhelmed with this person from the start. But at least towards the beginning they were kind and attentive. As things progressed it got harder and harder to communicate with them until now they've basically blocked me out. Yes I did make some mistakes but I think the outcome was a joint effort really. I tried to communicate and he shut down. So I never had the chance to fully explore the situation or explain myself really. I think I'm overthinking. And this ties in more to the mental health side of things. I feel unusual for my age, but maybe that's partly because I lack communication and connections with other people like me. At 24 I've been having a bit of a mid 20s crisis of identity, feeling like I should be much further ahead than I am. No established friendship group. Money worries. Worries about mental health and my future. It's so pressured, daily life, that I guess I devalue myself sometimes before someone else even has the chance to do it for me. I'm so pleased to hear about your story too! Although I worry about my age, it's easier to tell somebody else that age only matters to an extent. There are millions and millions of others around the world at every age, and more than a few of them have got to have similar stories to us in some way. That thought brings me comfort. Sorry rambling =P but yeah. And I wish I could hug you too haha thank you =) Yeah I think those interests and that personality have been dormant for a long time. So I feel like a zombie, a useless non-person a lot of the time. But I know I can work. I can study. I can have friends. I can communicate, drive, write, do lots of things normal humans can do. So somewhere inside me is a functioning human. I hope anyway! Just because all those functional parts of me don't always co-exist at the same time, it doesn't mean I'm as incapable as I sometimes think I am. Just got to remember that which is the hard part. I hope my reply has made sense I feel like I've rambled on a bit today
Of course you can do all those things and more! I'm so sorry that you are struggling with all of these aspects of your mental health. I'm sure with more therapy, advice from here, time, and effort, things are bound to improve for you! Here is another virtual hug.
Noo please don't be sorry there's no need! It's nobody's fault. It does seem neverending at times but places like this site and others definitely help. Without the internet I'd be completely lost! Thank you for the second virtual hug =) I hope you're doing okay too.
