Bisexual Marriage

I don't have personal experience with the situation you describe. The best that you can do is have an open and honest conversation with her about your safety protocol, educate yourselves about the risks, and agree upon a mutual testing regimen. The reality is that most STI are not life threatening and easily treatable with antibiotics (with the exception being HIV and Hep C). The real risk for most married men is that an STI betrays his infidelity, and that's not a factor for you.

 

What it comes down to more than anything else is how accepting and open your wife will be. When I dated my ex for 7 years, she knew from the start that I'd want to fool around with men. When we met in college, I was identifying as gay. She was the first girl I ever did anything with sexually, and we were already such close friends emotionally that spinning it into a relationship wasn't hard at all. But I told her from day one that my interest in men wasn't going away and we shouldn't date if that wasn't okay.

It took time to sort things out. Early on she was hurt by seeing me flirt with a guy. A little later, we tried a threesome with another bi guy and it wasn't that enjoyable because of the guy, so she decided she didn't want to do that anymore and I should go off and do my own thing. Then it became don't ask, don't tell. And the idea also became that I should look into escorts as oppose to random strangers on CL for safety reasons (no risk of developing feelings, and less risk of STDs since escorts are usually tested...of course, that's if you do your research and find a well reviewed guy). Then it became tell her everything. We went through literally every stage. But she knew what was going on, who I was with, when I'd watch gay porn, etc. It never seemed to bother her until after we broke up and it became an easy thing for her to point at and say that's part of why I stopped loving you.

In my current relationship, there's no room for anything pretty much. She completely subscribes to monogamy, so the idea of an open relationship in any form is totally out. She doesn't like when I talk about finding a guy attractive. She doesn't like when I talk about being into guys at all. Whether it's with her or with my friends, anybody. She seems to dislike that I even have gay friends and has accused me of being up to something when I've seen them. She prefers being into guys be something I just keep to myself. She's angry that I watch gay porn. Actually, in the past, she's not liked that I watched porn in general. It made her feel like she wasn't satisfying me. It's kind of hard when the other person makes it all about themselves. I don't want to make it all about me either, but certainly there can be a balance. Like, if she wants monogamy, I can respect that. But me watching porn has literally nothing to do with her, so she shouldn't make it about her.

It's funny you mention how you and that one guy were essentially talking about being monogamous to each other on the side. I actually think that's a pretty safe way to go about things, if your wives know (even if they don't, it's still safer than you running around sleeping with everybody...but obviously that all depends on your views about staying honest in the relationship). I kind of have a set-up like that right now, just without the honesty.

Have you ever read into closed-loop relationships? Might be something to look into.

I hope for your sake that your wife is open to some ideas.

 

I am bisexual and have been with my husband about 8 years, I told him really early on in our relationship I was bisexual and had previously had a relationship with a woman. He often asks me 'do you think she is hot, would you sleep with her?', funny as we have quite different taste in women. He has always been quite supportive and accepting until recently as I want to be more open about it and more 'out' than I currently am. I think he feels threatened by this and worries I'll end up leaving him for another woman (which I understand). He did suggest the possibility of having a threesome but I'm not sure how serious he is and I'm not sure if it's something I'd really want anyway. For most of our relationship it hasn't been an issue, I think possibly because he has known from the start but now I feel like I really want to express that part of my sexuality again and I'm unsure of the best way to do it within the marriage and if that will work.

This makes so much sense to me and I wish it was more 'acceptable' within society today. I wonder if some kind of Fwb would work for me. Having had relationships with both genders I have definetly struggled eventually in both by limiting my sexual expression to the gender of the person I'm monogamous with.

 

Glad to hear that I'm helping somewhat, although I don't know about role models, LOL.

I hope I don't come across wrong on monogamy. I respect that it's not right for everybody, but it is right for me. Let me set some context and then get to your questions.

When I say I am monogamous, it is not because of external commitments or expectations. Mongamy is genuinely my preferred state of being. I have always been uncomfortable starting new relationships and have always preferred one at a time (if any). I have a hard enough time dealing with one, LOL. I'm a bit of a nerd and function well when alone. More than one would likely fry my internal motherboard. And I was never comfortable flirting, etc., when single. One of my activities that balances my nerdiness is playing bass in bands. I play a lot of club gigs and have met so many people and had more opportunities over the years to pursue flings, etc., than I can even remember. But there is zero appeal there due to the way I'm wired, I think. And it's not a moral or religious or expectations thing, I'm really just not interested.

I'm also bisexual, as you know. I'm attracted to women and men. But since I'm married and love my wife and am hardwired for monogamy, I'm happy as I am. And my wife has known me for 16 years and seen evidence of the bisexuality and monogamy at heart to the point where anything else would probably freak her out at this point.

Sorry for the long set up to the answer. So no, I haven't considered flirting with guys as a way of expanding energy and excitement. And yes, my wife would be stunned and upset if I did, due to my personality as much as anything.

Because I'm reliably boring in this way, she is more comfortable with my bisexuality than she might be if I were more interested in other real life interactions. She is actually more comfortable with me coming out publicly right now than I am, probably because of this. She's sent me a bi pride flag wallpaper for my phone's screen, painted her nails the color of the bi flag (pink/purple/blue), asked me to go to the pride march in the closest big city, etc. And she's very happy to do the bedroom toy roleplay, watch non-straight adult movies, etc., because that stuff is all fantasy and still within the bounds of marriage and monogamy. She is supportive and wanting to keep me happy and satisfied.

Monogamy is not for everyone, and I want to say clearly that I respect others' interest in polyamory and other more complex relationships. And other bisexuals' need to have relationships with men and women if that is what is right for them. But I think it's okay to be bi and monogamous, it works for me. And I think I'm still a valid bisexual. The main reason I've come to EC is to get help with coming out as bi publicly, despite not needing to do so because of my relationship, and despite how difficult it is to answer the question of "why come out if you don't have to?"

Sorry for the really long answer, hope the perspective helps!

 

I think humor is a wonderful thing, and a good way to be comfortable expressing yourself. Your right that you do need to have a more serious conversation with your wife, so that she fully understands the depth of your feelings and how they affect you.

You said that your wife is having trouble with sex, pain? About three years ago my husband tore the nerve in his groin. This is not something you want to do. It makes some types of activities pretty much impossible. We've been working through it, and the thing that has helped the most is being open to trying new things, and talking about sex and both your feelings about it. You said you were scared that if you came out she might see herself as inadequate, but chances are she is already struggling with those types of feelings.

 

More good. Humor is the measurement society uses to determine what is acceptable. It's why jokes that demean others are so important to challenge.

 

Hi Nick. I'm happy to answer...I haven't shared any of my same sex fantasies with my husband...not sure why. I think it MIGHT enhance the relationship if it was something we were both comfortable with. I think talking about celebrities I find attractive is fine but telling him I think the girl I work with is super hot maybe not so much!

I think in regards to a threesome I don't think I'd want to see my husband with another woman and if I have a same sex experience I think I would want that all to myself. Maybe if I was single and done it with another couple it could be good but I know what you mean about it being a bi stereotype.

I do wonder though if similar to you I am not so sexually satisfied in my relationship anymore and that is part of the reason I have found myself on EC and why I have developed such an intense crush on my work colleague. TMI but when me and my husband first got together we had oral sex all the time and tried new things but now we so rarely do that and I guess I feel like something is missing. Having a toddler we also have a lot less time and opportunity to have sex. I have tried to talk to him about it but haven't really gotten anywhere so far.

Would you like to share your sexual fantasies about men with your wife? How do you think she would react?

 

I started out as a lesbian and partly for reasons of convenience, I eventually dated men. All of them knew this about me and all were open-minded about sexuality. It was a struggle to get into a long-term monogamous relationship with a man because it meant I would have more or less abandoned an identity that meant a lot to me. I've been with him about 15 years so far.

Things I do to keep some gayness in my life:

1) Sex and fooling around with women once in a while. (I refer to this as keeping active my license to practice lesbianism.) This is not very important to me, but I like it. It's usually at parties I attend with my partner. He has to agree completely before I do anything.
2) Spending time on EC.
3) Spending time on a certain related site that's more adult.
4) Writing queer erotica.
5) Reading LGBTQ fiction and non-fiction.
6) Occasionally going to gay-oriented events; so far, it's been with my partner.
7) Supporting LGBTQ causes. For example, I have my Amazon Smile set for a gay charity (in case you don't know what that is -- 0.5% of purchase amounts is donated to a charity of your choice).
8) Cultivating queer friendships when possible.

 

My same sex desires aren't acknowledged in my current relationship, or if they do come up, it is usually in a negative way. Last night, we were watching Empire, and the openly gay character on the show had a recent relationship with a woman, explaining that sexuality is fluid, etc. My wife was very angry about this and said that it shouldn't be that way, you should have to pick a side and that's it, and that's how it must be in this household (she had a few drinks, just FYI). We didn't talk about me specifically obviously, but it was a more-than-clear elephant in the room.

I don't entirely know how to answer the question to be honest. I've not gone without gay sex since I was 19, save for a few short times by choice, so to say I'll go without it forever is tough. But I'm also older, and even with a high libido, I don't want as much sex as I did when I was younger. Could be a touch of depression right now too, or just my questioning of the role sex has in my life. Given those changes, I do sometimes think that if I were being sexually satisfied by my wife and allowed to be more open with her about my interest in men (I'm plenty open with friends, so it's not like I feel entirely in the closet, I just watch what I say around the wife...to be fair, she says that she'd be just as angry if I talked about how hot some girl was) then things could work easily. But I could just be fooling myself. I wouldn't know until I tried, I suppose.

 

Do you think your friends suspect you are bisexual or do you think they have no idea? Just wondering as I'm out to some friends and not others but I do wonder if the ones I haven't told suspect sometimes.

Great that you have the same taste in men as your wife! As others have said she sounds pretty open minded and that you will be able to incorporate some of your same sex attraction into your marriage.

Is there any possibility at all that your wife might also be bisexual? I just wondered from some of what you said...I'm probably reading too much into it though!

I can really relate to your last paragraph. I think I am going to have to have some honest conversations with my husband about how we can improve things and hopefully move forward. Great thread though, there have been some really helpful suggestions.

 

Yeah, I'd never say "oh I want to have sex with that guy" as that's just offensive. But I feel like saying "that guy is hot" shouldn't be an issue. Especially if it is with actors or models. My wife is the same though at this point. I don't get it. She's told me that she's watched porn in the past (one day she wanted to make me feel guilty for deciding to go to the gym instead of staying home with her, because apparently she was horny and I didn't know, and so she tells me afterwards but says that she already took care of herself while watching some porn...this was awhile ago, before most of our current problems mind you). I'm fairly vanilla too, though I wouldn't be against trying things. I've told her as much and asked her about her fantasies and such, but she says she has none and mostly doesn't want to talk about it at all.

 

Nick, I'm glad to hear things are going better for you. I love this thread, too, so many good entries to read.

It's good advice to keep your partner happy sexually in any marriage; especially, I'd say, in a bisexual marriage. Keeping them happy builds intimacy and trust and demonstrates how you are really into them. My wife likes similar things as yours, so yes, oral. Yes, just oral when we do that, until she has a nice O. Do it the way she likes it, enjoy yourself, listen to her well, take your time, make her pleasure the focus. Sorry it that's TMI. LOL. But it does make things great, so it's worth sharing.