I hope my title isn't offensive, but I didn't know a better way to put it. So I hope no one thinks that I am slashing any types of relationships. So I have a dilemma and I just want some advice or opinions in general. Hopefully there are some of you who can relate! Backstory: I am a 23 year old female, who just very recently came out as bisexual to my boyfriend, family, and friends. I'm so happy that I can finally accept myself and live my life authentically. However, I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 and 1/2 years. He is a man that I see myself marrying.. I think. I have my reservations. I am very focused on school (as I am a full time student trying to get into nursing school). I am pretty uptight, and don't really know how to relax because I feel like I should always be focusing on getting straight A's. So when I do have down time, I usually like to just lounge around, although I do love shopping, and the outdoors when it's warm. I am also an introvert so I do love to be around people and can have great conversations with others, I just don't enjoy doing it all the time. So you could say I am a planner, and worried about being able to be financially stable. I also live off my student loans and my parents help me by providing me money each money for bills and food. (He also does this for my sister too because he wants to be able to help support our dreams of going to college) My boyfriend, who is 24, is really the opposite from me. He lives life day by day and doesn't put much emphasis on money like I do and comes up short on rent and bills, and is in credit card debt. He is a part time student and is working a movie theater and plays a weekly music gig for some extra money. That being said I have my reservations because I always wanted to marry someone who could emotionally and financially take care of me. Not that I need them too because I plan to have a career of my own and be able to support myself. However, my boyfriend doesn't seem to be able to give that to me. I have told him this and have had constructive talks about it. I told him that I needed to see him "mature" a little bit and get organized with bills (or just simply remember when they are due because he always forgets). So we went to the store together and he bought a calendar for the fridge and he writes down the bill dates. However, he is still short or late on bills, therefore I have to pay them and he says he will pay me back but never does. He also has to borrow money from his parents a lot too and his mom even wrote me a check for the money he owed me to try and help our relationship a few months ago. That being said I am scared I am dating someone who isn't mature enough for me personally. And I worry that he will never mature because he always talks about "living life with no regrets, or we're only young once". I try to support him and try not to get annoyed but when it has gotten repetitive it's hard to stay positive. He and I are also in the same online courses together for school and he never keeps track of when work is due, and always asks me if I know. I try to tell him to check the website and things like that but he usually forgets where things are. (Probably due to not using the website enough because he puts off school work and only logs in once a week). He also waits till the last day before any work is due to do it, this has been going on for a semester and a half. He just isn't proactive, and it makes me worry for him. Especially when we are supposed to read chapters before doing the work, and he NEVER does. Also, I have found that I don't want to have sex with him. He doesn't turn me on anymore and it feels like work to have sex. I also have a lot of pain after sex so that contributes to it. I also only fantasize about women and feel bad because he only fantasizes about me. I do love him though and feel bad about not being aroused by him even though he is gorgeous and has a heart of gold. Another thing that I worry about is that I will never be able to sexually explore the other side of me after coming out. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. However I have told him that there are things sexually he will never be able to provide for me and he respected it. I want to have more experiences with women, or even be in a relationship with a woman, but don't want to lose him. (And having an open relationship is not an option because we both see that as cheating and I would never cheat on him, nor he would on I) All of that being said, he is a wonderful guy. We can be our stupid goofy selves together without judgment. He is truly a good person and never wants to hurt anyone and if he does he really feels bad about it. I love him, I want to see him prosper, and become something in life, and I want to be his best friend and take care of him. I am just worried that I am not being fair to him or myself. I want whats best for the both of us and want to continue being honest with each other and I don't want to lose him. So I guess what I am asking is for you all to give me your honest opinions on if this relationship will ever truly make me happy. Or if these things I am experiencing fundamental problems? Any opinions are welcome and thank you for reading this loooong post!
I know this is a long and very complicated post but I really hope that someone can give me an outsiders opinion
I'd say if you want him to mature stop paying his bills. His parents should do the same but that's something you have no influence on. Looking from his perspective, everything he needs is covered either by you or his parents so why would he start doing things differently? Also, don't feel bad about fantasizing about women. That's a natural part of yourself and pushing it away won't make you any good. Why do you think he doesn't turn you on anymore? What changed?
Thank you for the response paris. I wish it were that easy. However, if I don't pay the bill then it affects my credit too and he doesn't tell me that the doesn't have the money until the day the bill is do. But I do see what your saying. I have told him that I am tried of being the responsible one and that I can't pay his bills but it doesn't seem to help. I think that he doesn't turn me on anymore because he doesn't take the time to caress me or just rub me and cuddle like he used to. And so he would literally just poke me and give me a stare of "I want sex". HOW ROMANTIC. Or he would kiss me once and I could tell that he immediately wanted sex. It was like I was getting physical attention when he just wanted to have sex. Which started making me feel disgusted. I've asked him to give me more affection, but now when he does that I know that he wants sex as well. I also find myself thinking about women during sex at times and I feel like I am mentally cheating on him.
It sounds like he's in the relationship for him & not for you. Immaturity on his part & I think it's only going to lead to more tension & resentment. You need to cut him off so he gets his shit together.
It's okay, I don't take any offense to it! Yes I have been with a woman. My first sexual experience was when I was quite young. I had 2 more when I was around 16. And then when I was around 16 I was pursuing a relationship with another woman who I really cared for and she broke my heart to be with a man. At 17 I was pursuing a relationship with another girl but she completely stopped talking to me with out giving me any reason. So after that I got into a 3 1/2 year relationship with a man which ended badly (because he too was immature and into drugs) and then I dated different guys after that to try and move on. Men hit on me a lot when i am single so I never took the time to look for a woman at that point because I was "getting attention" elsewhere. Then I met my current boyfriend, at 21, and fell in love instantly. ---------- Post added 31st Mar 2015 at 12:16 PM ---------- Thank you for your response. I think about that a lot. I resent him for a lot of things but end up letting those resentments go. He is a good guy, and there are times when he does things for me. But I feel like this relationship is 75% me 25% him, even though it wasn't like that for the first year and a half. You're right though.
I'm sorry but if you're this unsatisfied after just 2 and 1/2 years I don't think this is gonna work because love is not enough for two people to stay together long term; mutual respect is what's essential as well. He may be a good guy but not for you. I believe you deserve someone with more similar core values and desires. (*hug*)
Thank you so much paris. I feel this way too. Love isn't always enough. It breaks my heart to feel this way. I really appreciate your point of view on this.
It seems like you've got a fairly good sense of what's going on in your own relationship, both good and bad. If stability and long-term planning are important to you, you owe it to yourself to listen to that. It's also important to value your sexuality and your sexual pleasure. If you're interested in a type of sex you're not getting, that's going to put strain on other elements of the relationship. On the other hand, you're still young enough that both you and your guy can learn. Being a functional adult is hard, especially for some people - I definitely struggled figuring out how to keep on top of deadlines and I know money is hard for some people. If you love each other, and you're able to have some good conversations and really work on things, you can help each other overcome weaknesses. One thing I'd caution is just be sure to listen to what's important to you. "Working together and helping overcome weaknesses" isn't the same thing as "you covering his slack and hoping he figures it out". Sometimes it takes tough love, sometimes just conversation, and sometimes two people aren't good for each other. The same thing applies to sex - don't just accept a situation if it leaves you feeling unsatisfied. Talk with your boyfriend, and listen to yourself. It's not worth giving up something you value just because you haven't experienced everything - no one can ever experience everything. But if you're lacking something truly important to you, the relationship is going to suffer. I hope you're able to figure things out!
Thank you so much for the advice. This is exactly how I feel in a nutshell. But it is all so confusing because I keep second guessing my feelings. Thinking oh maybe it'll change, I need to give this an honest chance because maybe I can be happy.
I know you've been together for a long time and it sounds like you really care about him, but here's the thing; If there's anything that feels "off" to you or makes you unhappy in that relationship, you have to decide if it's worth it to stay. It sounds like you're not interested in men sexually right now, and he seems to be a little immature when it comes to managing finances and whatnot. If you continue to be in a relationship with someone whom you are not attracted to, will you be happy?
I think this part of your post sums up what you're trying to say rather well. It sounds to me like you deeply care about him, and do nothing but try to support him emotionally, as well as financially - something you had hoped for in a partner as well. I found it interesting that you said you want to be his best friend and take care of him, all of which is centered on his life and not your life together. I understand feeling so attached to someone, with your lives so entwined you can't picture being apart. But sometimes being comfortable can confuse us, and you don't realize until you take a step back that what you have isn't what you need right now. You said it yourself, you need to be fair to both you and him and take the time to figure out if what you have is worth working on and fixable, or if you need your own time and space to figure out what's best for you. Whether it be focusing on nursing, exploring your sexuality further or finding the emotional support you need.
I know you don't want to lose him, but he doesn't have the same values as you - this will be a fundamental issue, long term. For any relationship, this is usually a deal breaker. For you, and for him, you need to decide for yourself whether this is something that can be fixed, whether he's willing to put in the effort, and whether you're willing to wait until he IS willing to put in the effort.
Thank you so much for all of your support. It means a lot to me. I had a long talk with him and agreed that things needed to change and to be fixed for the better or else we shouldn't be together. So he is going to work on his financial situation and put some of the motivation and drive into things that will pay off for both his and our future together. I hope that he can do this and I hope he is doing it for the right reasons. But for now all I can do is trust him. He said he wants to be my "rock" and wants to be able to take care of me in return for me taking care of him. Which is truly what I want from a partner. He and I also talked about my sexual frustrations and we are going, together, figure out what we both need to be satisfied. Hopefully we can make this work! Thank you all for the advice and the introspection. I will keep your advice with me as we work out some of our fundamental problems.
I commend you for coming out to your boyfriend!!! I told my once boyfriend about my confusion...and he seemed supportive but it was more because he thought we'd be having threesomes ha. sooo that didn't last. Plus to be honest I felt similar to what your said about worrying about not experiencing the other side of the spectrum. I'm sure it will work out for the best! Good Luck:icon_bigg
I feel like I was in a similar situation. I loved my past girlfriend very much and could have easily spent the rest of my life with her based on the connection we shared and the joy that we felt around each other, but there were some fundamental value differences between us similar to the ones you described that made me feel that's just couldn't be with her and preserve my sanity at the same time (I ended the relationship several years ago). What I basically took away from the whole thing is that you have to just accept people the way they are or move on. If you're feeling stressed out by his lack of responsibility I can fairly certainly say that that is not going to change. People can change, but I think it rarely comes from outside prompting. Ultimately, the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. On the other hand, every relationship will require some kind of sacrifice, and if you feel the good outweighs the bad with him then maybe you can try to work things out while acknowledging that the behavioral patterns you are observing in him will likely continue. In the end it's up to you decide what you want and what you can live with and nobody else can answer that for you. Best of luck to you. ---------- Post added 4th Apr 2015 at 03:37 AM ---------- I should add that accepting people the way they are doesn't mean you have to like everything about them or that you can't encourage them to discontinue bad habits because no one is perfect after all. I think what it boils down to is whether or not you feel a fundamental value of lifestyle difference that you think will just unceasingly rub you the wrong way. That's what I felt with my ex gf, and after 10 years of trying to get her to change and feeling like everything would be fine if she just did X I finally admitted to myself and to her that I should be able to accept her as she is and not what I think she should be. This all coincidentally ties in with how I couldn't accept in myself that I am more attracted to men than women, which I am finally learning to accept (again, always important to accept people as they are). I hope this helps.
If you love him, but the sex is bad and you're fantasizing about other women, I don't think that's going to work. I would tell him "You're a great guy and I love you but at this point in my life I need something more." You can still stay close friends and if things change you can try to get back together someday. Don't leave because of the bills. That's a youthful flaw he may well overcome. I was financially irresponsible at that age, and now I am very conservative with money; I'm actually on my way to an accounting degree.
