Bisexual Erasure

I think denial of the existence of bisexuality is a serious thing and it's good that it's brought up.

I like girls. I like guys. I like those who are not binary. I assure anyone who is skeptical, I do, really!

When someone comes out as e.g. bi, I think the best thing is to do is to say "okay, I'm happy for you!" If that person then wants to rephrase it as e.g. homoromantic greysexual, just keep up the support, "Okay, I understand, good for you."

I mena... just be nice, right? ^_^ Why poke someone in the eye over a label like bisexual?

 

You're apparently unwilling to adress the points I made, so I'll leave it with this; could it be that people are perfectly aware of the words being used, they just disagree with you on whether those words are useful/necesarry or not.

 

I think people should just mind their own damn business and stop saying that "bisexuality doesn't exist" or "they're just confused." Do people actually think that it's just gay and straight people in the world? Not everything has to be black and white all the damn time.

 

I think it's wrong to pass judgement on or deny the sexuality of anyone actually.

 

For me a lot of the problems with 'bisexuality' come from the ambiguity of the term.

On the one hand it is used to describe people who don't neatly fall into the 'gay' and 'straight' boxes- on the other hand it is used to explicitly imply that an individual "likes both". The social reading of the term nearly always implies "likes tacos and sausages".


But as you said- sexuality is on a spectrum and people don't fall neatly into boxes- and that includes also the bisexual box- because despite a lot of the claims- bisexual it is *still* a box, just like gay and straight are.

Personally I resent the claiming of the entirety of the human sexuality spectrum for the bisexual identity- yes we all fall somewhere on the spectrum-, but that does not mean that we fall into the bisexual box, because for a lot of us our preferences are still so strong, that liking something about a person outside of our usual orientation will never translate into full attraction/capacity for sex or relationship- so being called bisexual will feel false.


For me- even though I might like a person who is male despite their gender (so I might fall slightly outside of the "gay" box), their sex/gender will also be most likely a deal-breaker when it comes to pursuing my attraction- because my attraction will not be that sexual in nature.

To put it bluntly: I don't *like* sausage, although in the past I was able to 'put up' with it, if I liked a person.
When I identified as bisexual, I've been in relationships with lovely people, and my actual homosexuality meant that I was not happy in those relationships, and most importantly I was sexually very, very unhappy- only with a person of the same sex I feel I am true to my sexuality and myself.

If somebody calls me bisexual, either because of my past, or because of being biromantic, or simply because I am somewhere on the sexuality spectrum which is not very rigidly same-sex oriented when it comes to noticing people- they are doing two things to me:

1) they imply that I like both sexually- that I have the capacity to be aroused/attracted to men as men- and that " I like sausage"- which is not true, because this is precisely why I am homosexual.

2) they also erase the existence of a very strong sexual/emotional/ romantic preference for same sex- a preference so strong in fact that, despite *some* attraction to people of the opposite sex- their sex/ and gender is a deal -breaker for me when it comes to pursuing anything with them.
They simply deny the fact that attraction to the opposite sex is never full, right or natural to me- only partial and limited, and being called bisexual also denies the fact that I am only able to experience attraction fully to people of the same sex.

Bisexuality exists- it means "likes both", but a lot of the people who don't fall entirely into the gay- or straight box, they "like one" and for the other it is a *mixture* of 'liking parts, and disliking other parts'.
Something about being with one of the sexes feels completely right, and something about being with the other feels a 'little bit off'-
they want to emphasise this difference by claiming a gay or straight identity for themselves.

Bisexual activists by claiming the entire slightly flexible spectrum of sexuality for the bisexual identity will create resentment towards bisexuality as an identity- it is a defence mechanism against having your position on the sexuality spectrum claimed for an identity which is not true to you.

It has nothing to do with denying bisexuality as existing- if you have attractions predominantly to one sex, but very rarely to the other- but it also feels right to you- you will feel comfortable with calling yourself bisexual- nobody is denying this.

But calling a gay person who also experiences *some* form of attraction to the opposite sex, but without it feeling right, or it feeling incomplete, ' bisexual' will make *them* feel erased as a gay person.

We need to stop claiming the spectrum of human sexuality for *any* identities, and this includes calling anyone who is slightly flexible in their attraction: "bisexual"- because the term is far from neutral- it has a very specific social reading- one which would be untrue for a lot of people who identify as gay or straight.

 

Just to add:
In the OP you said "why do people thing sexuality is one concrete thing?"-
Claiming that the 'non- concrete' or flexible part means a person is "bisexual" is also claiming something very concrete about them- something which might not be true to them at all.

 

I am not sure I understand what you meant in your last sentence- could you explain it a little?

Do you see my point though, that naming the entirely of the human sexuality spectrum as "bisexual" is also putting it into a box?

Flexibility exists- I just don't think anyone has the right to name it 'bisexuality'= because different people will experience their sexuality differently. Nobody has the right to equate flexibility with bisexuality.

As long as people keep conflating bisexual identity, with the part of the human sexuality spectrum which is not 120% gay or straight people will react negatively to bisexuality as such- because *everybody* falls a little bit on the spectrum between Gay and Straight -

be it the gay guy who felt attracted to a boyish girl once, or be it the lesbian who liked to hang out with her feminine looking male friend, or the straight guy who once masturbated with a male friend- but naming all of those people with clear sexual preferences and boundaries as 'bisexual' dissolves the existence of heterosexuality, and homosexuality as such- and those are very real.

So I am very much against the hijacking of the sexual human spectrum for the bisexual identity.

 

I know what I am, so I don't really care what others label me as. When I saw a nurse practitioner had put Lesbian on my medical chart, I strongly objected to my Doctor, and insisted she put Bisexual. Actually, why does she have to put my orientation at all? Does she have Straight on heterosexuals' charts?

If you have a better label for me, let me know... I can be sexually attracted to a man or a woman. My fantasies are mostly, but not exclusively, about men. I am mostly, but not exclusively attracted to women romantically/emotionally. I am both sexually and emotionally attracted to exactly two people in my life, one male and one female. If I had to choose, I have no idea which one I would choose. When I am celibate, life is a lot less complicated, and also for moral reasons/Christian beliefs I have been refraining from sex. It works fine for me

 

We're not talking about historical erasure here...erasing any trace or reference of bisexuality from society, history books, etc. Such an attempt at erasure would imply that the perpetrators *accept* that bisexuality exists and want it covered up. Our problem is with those who deny that we even exist at all.

Would "bisexual denial" suit you better? Or is that also overly-dramatic bullshit, because of the emotional association with Holocaust denial? (there's attempted erasure for you) Can you suggest a word that *you* would find acceptable for this dynamic of people denying the existence of our sexuality?

I don't think bisexuals use "erasure" for emotional punch (I think we could do better than "erasure" if that was the goal). I really think we're just trying to have a word for something frustrating that we experience all too frequently.

 

If I were to put this in very simple terms for someone I would say I see bisexualism as a label people end up with because they do not fit into any other box. So the bisexual bin is a nice place to call home instead of having no idea how to explain sexual orientation. Or, they are like me in that the gender of their partner does not determine sexual attraction or romantic capabilities. So, for me, bisexualism will always exist. Although, I would love to see a world where labels for sexual orientation became unnecessary and we could just go about our days loving whomever without the worry of the proper term for our love.

 

But this is precisely the problem- what is the "realm of bisexuality"...?

Why not "the realm of pansexuality" or "the realm of fluidity" or "the realm of queerness"!?

As I have said before: "bisexual" apart from being broad term which is like a sack collecting all the sexual-orientation debris, has a *very specific social meaning* : and it is "likes v*gina and likes di*k"- and because of this reading, I don't wish to be associated with that term, because it is not true for me- and I find it offensive to have it forced onto me.


If we use the same word for bisexuality as an orientation and identity - and then also use "bisexual" as a general word to describe anyone who is somewhere on the edges of 'gay' or 'straight'- we are forcing the "bisexual identity" onto people who would not identify with it, because it is not true for them.

 

Probably because bisexual is older, more well known, and encompasses those who identify as queer, pansexual, fluid, etc.

There's a difference between bisexual attraction, bisexual behavior, and bisexual identity. No one is forcing others to identify as bisexual; quite the opposite! Bisexuals are pressured to conform, to "pick a side". And from this thread, there's no shortage of denial of or hostility towards, bisexuality.

I see no harm in pointing out that many in the gay/lesbian communities have more fluid attractions than many are willing to confess, because there's no one set way to *be* gay/lesbian.

Identifying as bisexual (or gay, or pansexual, or anything other than straight) is a conscious choice. People can pressure you into fitting into one box or another, but at the end of the day, only you have the power to decide what you are, as many times as you wish, or not at all, if that makes you comfortable.

 

Sheesh, talk about overly dramatic emotional bullshit.

If you think that erasure in this context is evocative of the holocaust, that sounds like your issue.

Telling people that bisexuality doesn't exist is of a piece with waving away homosexuality as a disorder. It's telling that person that who they are isn't a real manifestation of personhood, that there's something wrong with them.