Hi. I know this is not a medical consultory, but I need to share this feeling, this "fear", hoping that anyone here could at least give me some advice or share some personal experience related to that. I've been years struggling with my head. As far as I remember, I've always felt lonely, and dealing with my sexuality made it more difficult. But thing got worse back in 2017. Since then, I'm used to lose control of myself, my feelings, even my body. I've tried to fight against it, thinking that it was depression and anxiety, and I was treated by my doctor. But I didn't go better, but the opposite. I've written another thread about how I've broken ties with my friends, and even if it was caused because I don't like their behaviour with themselves... I can't recognize myself being so disruptive, so "brutal", so visceral. I focus so much on my work and my professional duties, even crossing the line to obsession. I think that I'm going to get it all, that I can achieve whatever I want in my job, but last year it's been so hard to handle due to some disappointments that made me realize that I'm not a superman. And I think... It's been like that throughout all my life. Now I'm hiperactive at job, now I'm so down with my loved ones. I can't control myself, I explode in anger against them even if I don't want to hurt them. And I turn from one side to another, from love to hate, so easily, so suddenly... I've been reading about bipolar disorder, about borderline personality disorder, about anxiety and depression. I need to tell this to my therapist (next Tuesday I will). But I think that there's something "wrong" in my head that could explain everything. Something that I have to treat. I will accept anything, but I need some answers...
It's very good you talk to a therapist. I suspected being bipolar too, but my therapist told me she don't see me being bipolar. Therapists can detect this. Go in with an open mind. There is also things like depression, anger issues and so on that can cause it. Please don't think you're nuts or anything like this, because of it. You just have difficulties and admitting you need help is a big step forward. We're always here to listen too.
Altanero.....I agree with @Rayland...I am so glad that you are talking to a therapist! I had to come to the understanding that there were just some things that I could not handle by myself and that I needed a professional to talk to. Finding a good therapist was one of the best decisions that I've ever made. I was fighting the conflict of accepting that I am and always have been gay. Your conflict is different...but it is still an internal conflict. An internal conflict is the most difficult to handle by yourself and being willing to talk to a therapist is the first step on the road to peace. Don't forget that you can also share things that are bothering you here with us on Empty Closets. We will listen and give you a shoulder to lean on when you need it. There are many of us who have gone through similar experiences and we can share the things that helped us through the dark times. Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Please keep us updated on how this continues to work out..we are here for you. .....David
Thank you very much to both of you for your kind answers. I really, really appreciate them My therapist say that I'm better because now I want to talk about my situation and come to terms with those friends who I hurted, although it was caused because I couldn't stand more being with them... What I cannot understand, and leads me to think about disorders, is that back in Christmas, suddenly, in a few hours maybe two days after talking with two friends, I "lost" all my love for them. Even for my closest friend. It simply disappeared. And now, eight months later, it all came back in a moment: I was walking down the street, after days struggling about coming back home and facing the situation, and then I felt as the blocking was disolving, and I felt love again... It was a beautiful feeling, but also painful. I had also bad experiences with previous therapists. The first one focused on my past, and we talked a lot about my sexuality and how I've never dealt with it properly and it caused me to fear that I couldn't have male friends. But it didn't go nowhere: we focused on the past, as my present was tearing me apart. Then, my therapist got pregnant and a substitute came. But after a few sessions I discovered that the clininc didn't gave her my profile, although I gave them the permission to do that. She was treating me without knowing anything about what I'd been dealing with. And kept telling me things like "words don't matter, thoughts are only thoughts", or "past doesn't matter, you can't change it", and suggesting me to write down my thoughts on a piece of paper and carry it inside my pocket just to "feel it didn't weigh. I couldn't stand that no more, and I left therapy for almost two months. I had to begin again. Now, with my new therapist, who follows a contextual approach, I feel much better. However, it's hard, so hard... And that's how it has to be. I feel confident now to tell her how much I need to know if I'm "sick". I'm not afraid: in fact, if I'm right, I would feel so free and calmed because at least I would know a name for my "beast inside".
Getting a right diagnosis can be very frustrating process, but I feel you on wanting to know what is wrong with you and not knowing can be even more frustrating. Finding a suitable therapist can also take time. Every therapist have their own methods how they approach someone. Of course there are people too who shouldn't be a therapist in the first place. I lucked out with mine, but I have had issues with my GP, so in the end I changed my GP and this was a good decision, because this new GP actually sends me to different specialists, but waiting times are several months long, so I understand some of your struggle. I'm stuck right now trying to find what is wrong with me for my own peace of mind and hopefully getting the right treatment, so my quality of life would be a bit better.
