Hi everyone, I’d like to share my dilemma and I hope that will help me with finding an answer. For years I have been writing in my diary and read some of these writings today. It was funny to read that all those years I have been struggling with my sexuality – from a heterosexual with bi-thoughts to a bi-sexual with gay thoughts. I just don’t know who I am and am really struggling with my identity. All my life I have had relationships with women and have dated women and lead a straight life with straight friends. My secretive ‘second’ life involves occasional dating bi and gay men through apps, meetings on parking lots or one or two times in a gay bar. Mind that this is over a time span of 20+ years. My bi/gay life isn’t active at all (currently in a heterosexual relationship) and has not been really active in the past either; but I have had this real interest and curiosity in bi/gay life, I had installed ###### in the past to search for men to date (and quickly removed the app as well out of fear I may see someone I know). As you understand, I feel and have felt really ashamed of this life and had wished it would go away at some point. I now realize that it won’t go away and try to embrace my bisexual side and try to love and accept myself. Even though I can rationalize the fact that I’m not straight, and I have acted upon it, I’m still somehow not content with myself, some background noise that tells my I’m not truly happy it still around, and for some reason I can’t understand why this is. Is it because I’m just gay? Something I cannot understand and find hard to accept? And what about all those women I went to bed with? Erections I got when I laid in bed with a woman? What about this Facebook profile of this pretty woman I visit and really like? Deep down inside I may be gay, but somehow my whole past doesn’t fit in this scheme; as if I’m not the same person. It just doesn’t make sense. I watched a lot of porn in the past, and I almost finished my addiction therapy for this. This therapy has helped me a lot. The other thing I constantly think of is: OK, I may be gay. But there’s so many difficulties with being gay. Even though I like to show my feminine side when having sex with a man and enjoy having sex with men generally, I don’t find men attractive generally speaking. E.g. the idea of kissing turns me off a bit, I think men in general are not as clean and smooth as women are, as I like to bottom – the idea of spontaneous sex in the morning is simply not possible, and I wouldn’t want to have anal sex with a man as a top. But then again, I like to give head, think about sex with men a lot (more than women) and sometimes think about cross dressing, shaving my legs or wearing high heels while having sex. I'm not at all feminine if you see my, not in appearance nor in gestures. But still I'm having these fantasies. When I looked at porn I always placed myself in the role of the woman. I just don’t know myself, even though I try to accept that I’m not straight, and I try to love myself, I simply don’t manage to. There is a constant feeling of discontent inside of me. As I’m not living the life I want to. The constant doubt, fear and thoughts are killing me. I think about this subject 24/7 and I just want an answer. For me it’s a matter of identification, of belonging. My girlfriend knows I’m not straight and so do my parents. Unfortunately this hasn’t given me this feeling of relief or total acceptance. I don’t know what to do in order to get this feeling. I hope someone recognized my problem and can maybe support a little. I just want to find true happiness, that’s all. Thanks, R.
I'm not sure I'm much help in you figuring out yourself, this stuff isn't always simple. I can relate to some of those specifics, though. I identify as big now but lived most of my life as straight. It was only in the last 5-years or so I realized I was bi, and once I did I could see the signs of it in my past life. As far as gay or bi, I think of Bill as simply having the potential to have romantic and/or sexual feelings towards both men and women. I don't know you but that sounds like what you're describing. The key thing there though is those feelings don't have to be split equally between them. I'm more attracted to women, for instance, though even that can vary day-to-day, I've mostly had men on my mind the last week or so. That aside, I'm much pickier about which men I find attractive vs. which women. As far as bottomin/topping, I'm not sure that's anything specific to worry about. I'm also only interested in bottoming with another man, for instance. With all of that, maybe you're just trying to figure things out. I've been more content since admitting to myself or realizing that I'm bi, even though I'm married and not directly acting on my interest in men. Part of why I'm here is to figure out how I can express that side of me better without having a male partner. It also sounds like there may be some stuff even beyond that, have you considered finding a professional to talk to about it?
Well Ron I once walked in your shoes. My then girlfriend helped me discover my bi side. She had questioned me on being straight after being at the nude beach together. She had arrranged a date with a gay friend of hers so we could talk and anything else I wanted to know. She then went to a store and bought toys for her to wear. We had switched roles and after a while I was dressing up. We had gone out shopping for me and bought everythingfor me to wear and go out in. We went for lunch in lesbian bars in the city. While it was fun the is nothing like the real thing. We started bring men home for both of us. Now I am just gay.
