Over the past few months, I've spent huge amounts of brain time thinking about coming out the rest of the way. Here's where I am now: I'm bi-gender, which in my case means that I switch back and forth between male and female modes (experience, presentation, the whole bit). I have some influence over when I shift, but I can't let either gender go too long, or it will take over whether I want it to or not. I'm 50, but look ten or fifteen years younger, which has helped with dating. I'm out to most of my good friends, some of my family, and literally hundreds of other people in other cities and in queerer places around my home town. I'm not out at work or to either of my parents, and I mostly don't present as female (I'm AMAB) in my local area except at queer-friendly venues, at home, when visiting friends, or occasionally in very limited outings. I'm not doing or planning on doing HRT or surgery at this point, but I have had a lot of hair removal, had my ears pierced, grown my hair out, etc. I appear to pass a good bit of the time in both genders, though it could be that most people are just more polite and blasé than I imagine. I'm not worried about people mistreating me. That will inevitably happen at some point, but I can deal with it, and so far I've been very fortunate: almost everyone has been supportive, from close friends and family to random strangers. I am worried about compromising my job or employability, even though there's every indication my employer would be supportive and even that no one at work would be a jerk. I'm not worried about my parents rejecting me or being unkind, but I am worried that they won't understand who or what I actually am (though admittedly, it's not like they do now either, considering they don't know I'm nonbinary) and that this will make our relationships more distant. I'm also worried I'll be unintentionally misrepresented by them, e.g., that my mother's friends will get the impression I'm a crossdresser or something (which would be fine if that were what I actually was). I hate being misunderstood or misrepresented. I'm also just sort of generally scared and nervous, and the idea of presenting female more often sounds both delightful and (because it's a lot of work) tiring. I'm definitely NOT looking forward to having to explain what my gender even is to a million people a day. I mean, I always look like either a cis guy or a trans woman, and I'm neither of those things. Most people seem to know more or less what transgender is these days, but won't know what nonbinary is, let alone bi-gender, let alone understanding that bi-gender is a catch-all term for a variety of different ways of being and that I'm the "switching" kind. So I see a lot of explanatory talking in my potential "fully out" future, much of it in my still-developing-and-not-excellent female voice. On the other hand, being able to just be myself in all situations would be fantastic. I think my dating options would open up, as I wouldn't have to be so careful about where my info goes out, and I'm very into finding That Person, so anything that makes that easier is great. I plan to eventually do a legal name change (my second, long story) to a unisex name. My state is supposedly going to get an "other" option for gender on driver's licenses this year, but that was announced a year ago, and since then I haven't been able to get any updates or confirmation, even writing the DMV directly. I'd love to hear any thoughts or insights or experiences anyone here may have that touch on these things. Thank you!
