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Being with your straight best friend

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Iluvagirl, Oct 3, 2018.

  1. Iluvagirl

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    I’m looking for lots of advice these days. Has anyone ever successfully started a relationship with a straight friend? I came out to my best friend, who I’ve been in love with forever, and after some time, she claims she’s realized I’m her person and she wants to spend the rest of our lives together. She says the physical aspect frightens her, but she figures if we go slowly, it can evolve, and she is open to it. We live far apart, so haven’t seen each other since she realized this. Of course I’m excited about this possibility, but also untrusting. She’s straight! Can this really work?
    It’s further complicated bc I am married, planning to come out to husband. She doesnt want to get in the middle of that, or have an affair. So she wants to wait to be physical until I’m free. But I feel like I’d be leaving my husband for her, and I don’t even know if this will work. I’m over 50, and this is really scary.
     
  2. Destin

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    Yea, except I was the straight friend. My male college roommate told me he had feelings for me, which I was ok with but I'd never really been into guys so didn't think that would go anywhere. I was very wrong - I ended up starting to see him differently after that. A lot of stuff happened, but long story short he's been my boyfriend for almost a year and I consider myself gay instead of straight now.
     
  3. Contented

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    Like Destin I considered myself straight until I met the man who became my boyfriend. Came out two years ago and living together over a year. I am now 100% gay abosolutely zero interest in women. Would never believed it 3 years ago but here I am.
     
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  4. SoulSearch

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    If she’s actually straight, then it’s probably not going to work. If she’s interested in a relationship with you she’s probably not that straight. I had had occasional crushes on friends and had always found women attractive, but I was “straight” until I fell hard for a lesbian friend. As it turns out, I’m not straight. I’m very gay.

    I don’t think leaving your husband for her is a good idea. If you need to leave, do it for you. If it doesn’t work out with your friend what will you do? Are you going to regret leaving?

    This is easier said than done. I’m still living with my husband and planning to leave, but it’s very hard. He knows about her and is supportive, which in some ways is worse. It makes me realize what an incredible man I’m leaving. My girlfriend didn’t want to get involved with a married woman, but she did. It’s been extremely hard on our new relationship. If you can leave for you and not pursue her until you are free, that’s what I’d recommend. I’m in love with my woman and she with me, but the stress on our relationship may prove to be too much.
     
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  5. Biguy45

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    As I look back on it now, I realize I had a bit of a crush on my best friend years ago. I thought I was straight at the time and ignored it. I assume he is straight, so I’m glad nothing was done about it. The problem now is, I can’t think of him the same way anymore. It seems to have tainted what was a normal friendship with no hint of anything romantic or sexual. I’m actually glad I don’t see him anymore. I think it would be awkward for me
     
  6. silverhalo

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    I think there are a whole lot of different things to consider right now. Firstly I think you need to in your own mind try and separate your feelings for your friend and your marriage because whilst they have connections they need to be separate things. You shouldn't leave your husband just for your friend because that will put too much pressure on the success of the relationship with your friend. Is leaving your husband something you would consider even without the possibility of a relationship with your friend?
    Secondly, it sounds like your friend might not be completely straight, I mean maybe that's a conversation you should have with her. It's ok for her to be nervous about the physical aspect as in she has never done it before etc etc and it being different but if she literally has no attraction to you/female then I'm not convinced about how it could work. I am kind of assuming if she is suggesting a postential relationship then actually there are some feelings on her side too.
     
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  7. I am straight

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    This is the type of situation that first caught my attention when I first found this website five years ago. I just cannot understand how a person can think that he is straight all his life and then suddenly find out that he is gay.

    Before you met the man who became your boyfriend, had you ever felt physically attracted to any men? Before you met the man who became your boyfriend, had you ever once in your life masturbated to thoughts of a man?
     
  8. Peterpangirl

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    I think if a person is much closer to gay than straight it is very easy to repress the gay part because it is harder to be gay than straight in this world. I think probably a lot of us late in lifers just filtered out any gay attractions we had earlier in life. If you are a natural conformist who wants kids it is hard to perceive and accept yourself as gay or mostly gay. At the weekend I was with my girlfriend in a café when we saw a couple of very overt midlife lesbians who were proudly signalling to the world their sexuality. Their stlying was very, very intimidating. I felt like a fake and a fraud compared with these women! My girlfriend later noticed a young lesbian couple, who were much less obvious. If she hadn't pointed out the second couple I would likely have remained oblivious to their existence. I found the second couple easier to identify with, despite the fact that they were much younger.
     
    #8 Peterpangirl, Oct 15, 2018
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2018
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  9. PatrickUK

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    Same sex feelings can lie in an almost dormant state within some people for years, only to be awakened by someone, e.g. a close friend with whom we already have a connection. It can be incredibly disconcerting when it happens, especially if the individual concerned has built a very different life for themselves, but that's just the way it goes sometimes. If that person carefully traces back through their feelings they may see moments of unconscious denial or repression of feelings towards people of the same sex, but we need to understand that denial and repression is often ambiguous and doesn't hit us fully in the face. It really can be quite pernicious and difficult to identify.
     
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  10. Contented

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    In retrospect with help of my counselor I see signs that I was never straight. In my teens I did find some guys attractive but buried those thoughts as irrational as I was a masculine straight guy. I wasn’t a fag or homo. As years went on I buried it even further until I met the man who become my BF. I can’t explain how I play acted straight for most of my life. Even now I am amazed I was able to do it but honestly it was buried so deep it only occasionally surfaced. In those day I found gay porn disgusting and unnatural. As I came to terms with my homosexuality I started to see it as arousing and yes I started to masturbate to gay porn. Towards the end of my hetero life the only way I could engage in intimacy with my then GF was to fantasize I was with a guy. In end even that didn’t work. Again a mystery to
    me how I lived straight for so long.
     
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  11. I am straight

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    That's what I expected.

    There are other users here who claim not to have known that they were LGBT until they were middle aged, but I think that they felt physically attracted to some guys (and even knew that they felt physically attracted to some guys), but they just did not associate that with being gay.
     
  12. Contented

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    No expert but I think that is probably right but I don’t discount the theory that sexuality can change with time. I don’t think we know as much about sexuality straight, gay or otherwise as we think. We are much more complex and capable of many drastic changes in our lives. In my case the evidence does point to never really being straight but afraid to even think in terms of being homosexual. Frankly now in retrospect my loss.
     
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  13. Love4Ever

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    I have not. But I am envious you have. I have always thought a best friend would be a perfect stepping stone to a relationship. I think it's wonderful she loves you. Also, if she wants to be with you I doubt she's straight. She may just be scared because all of this is new and scary to her. I would be gentle and supportive. Take things as slowly as she needs. I have heard of many a "straight" person who when they met the right person found out they were not so straight after all. You are lucky enough it happens to be you. :slight_smile:
     
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  14. Love4Ever

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    I also think sexuality is very complicated. I lived my life for many years thinking I was straight in every way pretty much. I was so obsessed with guys. I am 21 now though and I identify as bi leaning towards women. So life is funny and things change. Give her a chance. It might be the best thing you ever did.
     
    #14 Love4Ever, Oct 16, 2018
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2018
  15. alwaysforever

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    The only thing I managed to successfully do with feelings for a straight friend was get my heart broken. That being said, I don't spend a lot of time around non-LGBTQ+ people any more. It hurts too much to fall for someone who can't love you back, either because of being closeted or just being straight, the reason really doesn't matter.
     
  16. zuice

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    The quality of any relationship is the trust in sharing one's experiences of life.
     
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