Being gay is only a small part of who I am: discuss

Well, if it was a bigger part of me, perhaps I would have noticed sooner? However, with realizing it while married with children, it makes it sometimes feel bigger than it is because of how out of line it is with my current life. Hopefully one day I will find equilibrium.

 

It’s a small part of who I am, but honestly, it creates 100% of the messes in my life. Agreed though, it’s a small part of who I am.

I also agree with previous writers who have wondered about the framing of such a question. I’m also old enough (and my family is conservative enough) that many times I’ve been tolerated rather than appreciated. I’m old enough to remember when parades were marches, and it felt different then because you were making a statement about your humanity rather than helping corporations sell shit to gays. Being gay will never be just “a part of me” because I have faced virtually every challenge in my life because of it. It will be “just a part of me” when my friends and family “just understand”.

 

Speaking just for myself, I agreed with the idea of my gayness being just a part of myself (maybe not "small" though) because after I faced and accepted that I'm not straight, I realized that I still have a lot of work to do to become the person I want to be. I need to figure out how to get satisfaction from my work, and I need to develop meaningful relationships in my life. It's all interconnected, and my sexuality is one piece of the whole puzzle.

 

Just had another thought: although only one part of me it’s so instrincly linked to my happiness that it’s a very significant part.

 

Gay is just a small part of a person ,but it make you get hate by the whole world. It is sad.

 

Yeah! What the heck? I've gotten along most of my life just fine while pushing awareness of my sexuality way back into the background. Why am I doing this now if my gayness is just a small thing? @dirtyshirt84 makes a good point - small but significant. Maybe since the other things in my life are largely done (career, children) it's time to take care of my issues while I still have time to do something about them.

 

I would say it’s a big part of who I am. It influences every part of my life if I think about it.

I recall replying to a similar thread back when I first joined EC and my response was much different at that time and I honestly think that was mostly internalized homophobia.
Being a minority sexuality pretty much forces us to make it a bigger part of our lives than the average cishet.

 

@SevnButton it’s funny you mention this. I don’t feel it’s a coincidence that it was not long after having my son that I felt a strong attraction to a woman again. Like I’ve done what evolution wanted and now I start to think about my sexuality again.

 

It is a part of me, but perhaps because this year it is new to me it takes up lots more attention than other parts of me. Maybe like moving to a new area, or starting a new job. I don’t run on autopilot, and see things from new perspectives, and maybe get tired more because it takes energy.

Does how I’m seen by others change because of my zip code, or when they find I’m not still at my old job? Sometimes that is happening to me. What about when I’m finally out to everyone as bisexual? Those are all just parts of me.

 

My therapist and I spoke about this exact question today - I would not like it if being gay was the sole defining feature of who I am. I'm so much more than that. Still, it is a part of me that I don't want to marginalize either. Where is the balance? The question is - Who are you, if not gay? There are many qualities each of us has, and the gay one comes up when we are talking about sex with others. That's not something I typically talk about with others, so it just doesn't come up that often. I suspect many people who know me would be surprised to find out I'm gay, while others would smile and say ahaa. Think about it, though, how often do you talk about your sexual exploits with others? Being gay is not part of my work, nor should it be. It is part of my life, but only shared with those who need to know that about me. I don't have any close family/relative connections. The rest of the folks I interact with are not sexual targets, and 1) don't need to know and 2) don't want to know about my sexual preferences. It doesn't come up at all any more. I kinda wish it would, but I'm working on expanding those friendships.

 

The wording you use is really vivid. You said many things that others probably have felt and experienced but might not be able to word as well as you have.

 

I totally concur with this observation. I too felt as if I had done what society intended, got married, had a child, a career and a stable life. Once I started to acknowledge my homosexuality I realized the time had come to become the real me behind the mask. Embracing my sexuality has been such a liberating experience. I think the comfort level I now live at is greater than anytime in my life because I am free to be exactly who I am, no masks, no excuses, little to no guilty about my choices, no regrets and in a relationship I could not have imagined a few years ago.