Beginning to seriously question what I am...

Hey everyone! I'm new here so please forgive me if I am posting in the wrong forum or something. I am mid-twenties, female by birth. I am bisexual and have know about that since I was a teenager, and am out to a few friends and my significant other. I'm in a cis long term relationship with a straight man.

The last few years have been full of a lot of weird changes. Changing jobs, moving multiple times cross country. I'm beginning to question how serious I am about wanting other changes and what I actually identify as.

I've never felt like I fit my given name at all. Puberty was weird for me and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and have felt that way pretty much ever since. I grew fairly large breasts for my small stature so that didn't help at all. I felt overweight even though I wasn't and developed an eating disorder for a few years. (I'm better now.)

More recently, a few things have sort of set me off or bothered me more than usual.

My boss's kid is five and called me "he" randomly. His mother quickly corrected him but I had such a shot of adrenaline that I went cold and pale because I felt like she would know? I dress feminine, look feminine, and usually like to play around with makeup so that's completely illogical. I was so scared of being outed.

I'm really uncomfortable with my top half. Recently, I keep thinking about how much better I would feel if I could get a mastectomy, but that's not feasible right now.

I try not to do it in public but I don't feel comfortable sitting like a female. I feel like either an equal or the dominant one in my relationship. I It feels more natural to me to hold my SO or put my arm around him and not the other way around. When I took tango lessons it felt more comfortable to lead my partner like men do. and not follow.

A few days ago, a friend of mine put up some app on Facebook that changes you to look like the opposite gender. I did my own picture and it made something hurt in my chest. I feel like that's how I should look. Another friend commented that I looked like a Tyler and I said I felt like one. I feel like my SO and closest friends might already know or be accepting but I'm afraid to say anything or bring it up. My SO calls me dude, has said dating me is like dating a gay man, or how I'm a man in a woman's body semi jokingly etc... Now that I write that out I feel silly because it seems pretty obvious he knows it in some capacity and is okay with it. These are all just new revelations and I don't really know what to call myself.

 

Thank you for the welcome.

I think I'll go to therapy when I'm able to. The state I'm in currently doesn't have a good track record for LGBT rights and I need to get my finances in order haha. I'm also afraid of being judged if I don't fully transition, if that makes sense. I don't feel completely uncomfortable with my body and I'm pretty sure I would only want top surgery. I don't know if I want to be completely out?