Hi all, This is the first post from me in more than five years. Late forties guy here, still married, still questioning my sexuality. I have an eight year old daughter who I dote on. The current situation is that I am still married but my wife and I are not intimate, and have not been for eighteen months. I have been sleeping in my daughter’s play room since September. My wife and I nearly split up a couple of months back, due to growing apart and numerous arguments at home between us. However, I soon realised that due to having a reasonably comfortable existence and living a heterosexual life, it was best not to pull the trigger on the marriage. The fact is, that I have been living a compartmentalised life for a very long time. I first had a real same-sex sexual attraction in my mid-twenties, and started discreetly experimenting thereafter, keeping up with the heteronormative narrative whilst meeting the occasional guy for sex as a no strings, no emotions penetrating partner (top). I met my wife in 2006 and came out to her as bisexual, eight years after I started experimenting, and having accepted that I was bisexual three years earlier aged thirty. I told her that I had been sexually active with both men and women a number of times prior to meeting her...she did not take it well, and refused to acknowledge my sexuality. We have not really talked about it since, and I now know that she is deeply homophobic and conservative (a major factor in me not separating with her, and why i cannot speak to her more openly about things - if she suspected my infidelity and/or knew about my sexual inclinations, she would divorce me, try to leave me in financial ruin, out me to friends, family and my work colleagues, and make it difficult for me to continue to have a great relationship with my daughter - she can be vindictive at times, and i strongly suspect that she would try to poison my daughter’s mind against me). She is also controlling, jealous of my relationship with my daughter, and to make matters worse she is moody, drinks every night while watching TV, and has put on a lot of weight over the years. Generally speaking, everything seems to be heading in the wrong direction with her. Anyhow, about ten years ago I noticed a change in her demeanour towards me. This was before my daughter was born, and my wife looked and acted a lot different back then when compared to now, and was quite beautiful, voluptuous and charming at the time. I suspected something was not right, and discovered a number of emails between her and her boss at work where she had been chasing him and succeeded in wooing him. She mentioned what a great lover he was, how well endowed he was and how she dreamed of him impregnating her, how much of an idiot I was in not knowing about her affair, and how she wanted to go on holiday with him rather than the holiday she had booked for us, for my fortieth birthday. I was extremely upset at reading this, but took my time to process the information. That evening, she came home late as usual and headed straight upstairs, before changing and quickly coming back downstairs. I passed her on the stairs and went to our bedroom, where something on the floor on her side of the bed caught my eye. I took a closer look, and picked up the material. It was her thong panties, and inside them I could clearly see her lover's glistening semen semi-dried where her vagina would sit inside the panties. I knew what it was immediately, and I felt physically sick and angry...but strangely, extremely turned on. So instead of confronting her I made my mind up there and then that I wanted to feel the same sensations that she was feeling, and have a guy mount me and deposit his load inside me. So I met a guy on Craigslist and that's what happened- and I absolutely loved it! I knew then and there that I was more gay than straight, submissive, a bottom, and loved unprotected receptive anal sex. I also let my inhibitions go and allowed myself to passionately kiss him, which i found that i really enjoyed. Plus, when he reached orgasm i did as well, and it was an earth-shattering experience, much more powerful than i had ever experienced before. It was a real lightbulb moment for me regarding my sexual preferences. That set in me a chain of events whereby that guy became a casual lover of mine for a few months, and I started hooking up with guys for sex, always as the penetrated partner, orally and anally. Eventually after a few months I ended the relationship and confronted my wife about hers, and she admitted it and ended things with her lover. We sorted things out, but our marriage was never the same again - plus, I could not stop thinking about being with guys. About a little over six months later, my wife told me that she was pregnant - one of our occasional lovemaking sessions resulted in me managing to impregnate her. Things were then good between us, right until my daughter was born and my wife completely ignored me. Feeling like a spare wheel, I turned to meeting guys again for friendship, sex and affection. Over the next few years I had three more discreet same-sex relationships, and a number of hookups and one night stands. I had gotten myself on a PrEP trial by that time, so I could safely enjoy unprotected sex. In 2016 my wife lost her job and moved away for two years with my daughter, which allowed me to immerse myself in my same-sex desires, and I had another semi-serious gay relationship. But in late 2018 I decided to make a real go of things with my wife. Yes, I still had the occasional indiscretion with other men, but it was greatly reduced, despite my desires and fantasies increasingly becoming same-sex only. And my sexual and romantic attraction towards my wife waned significantly. So I am now at the point where I am wondering whether I am actually gay. Yes, I look at women on the streets and find women beautiful, much more so than with men. I never check men out. But that's as far as things go with women. I enjoy looking at women's curvaceous butt's particularly, and I have always been a 'bum, legs and feet' guy rather than a 'breasts' guy. But there is no arousal within me...however, I can start to daydream about having sex with another man, and I am instantly aroused, usually painfully so, and wet. Emotionally and romantically I can love attractive, funny, kind, intelligent people of either sex. And in the last few years I have wondered what it would be like to have a proper male partner, or even a husband. I am not out generally, but I have come out to a few trusted people, and they have been very surprised but very accepting of me. It felt a relief each time, and like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I have some residual internalised homophobia to deal with, having been brought up in a strict, homophobic, all female and single parent household. So I guess that I am trying to connect with like-minded people, and try and understand myself better. So if anyone has had a similar situation, having been in or currently in a heterosexual relationship but has experienced diminished sexual desire for the opposite sex, whilst having increasingly exclusive same-sex desires, then please let me know, and how you are dealing with it or have dealt with it. Thanks. Ian
Hi, there! Firstly, I'm sorry things have been such a wild, difficult ride between you and your wife. I won't advise you regarding your marriage, because when it comes to your daughter and the possibility of losing a relationship with her, your fears seem completely valid. What I will do is get down to the nitty-gritty of your sexual orientation. You mentioned having relations with partners of both sexes prior to your wife: in that time, what would you say about your attractions to women? Were they about equal with men? Just shy of it, or perhaps more? Because in reading your account, I don't get the sense that you're gay--what I'm getting is that maybe, because of all the turmoil you've been through in your marriage, that it has had an adverse effect on not only your feelings for your wife, but your perception of women on the whole. Try as we might, we can't always logic ourselves out of fearing/resenting the opposite sex after a series of negative experiences with them. In sum, it sounds like she's coloured your perspective of sharing any kind of intimacy with women to the point of men becoming the safer option. This could also be exacerbated if your preference for men is generally stronger, or if the relations you've had with them have been far more satisfying across the board--but again, I think the issues with your wife hold a great deal of influence in this regard. That being said, I am by no means saying you aren't gay--you could be. Just that that isn't the message I'm getting from all of this.
Hi BiGemini Thanks for your message and apologies for not reading this before and getting back to you sooner. Some good valid points there. I think regarding my earlier attractions, I had attractions to both sexes, but kind of refused to acknowledge any same sex attraction, and pass it off as nothing important. Yes, I have had turmoil in the past with women, but the simple fact is, I find them beautiful and occasionally I could see myself wanting to make love to a woman - but even thinking about it does not arouse me in the slightest. Whereas thinking about men excites me, almost immediately. My thoughts, feelings, fantasies, desires etc just seem to revolve around other men. And I guess that as I have become older, what with the passing of my mother who was always somewhat homophobic and judgemental, I have to some extent realised that I do not have to live up to her expectations of what a "real man" is anymore in her eyes. It is strange, because in one way it feels as though I have changed over the years, and in another, nothing has, because I am still me. Sexually I feel different but in all other ways I am the same person. I am not overly concerned about where I am in my life right now, I keep plodding along, and whilst I am not deliriously happy, I am not especially sad or angry either. So I feel comfortable right now. Yes, sometimes I feel that I want to be out for some reason, for people to know who I am - but those who are my trusted to me already know, and are supportive and accepting of my sexuality, which feels like a relief in itself.
Wow, things can get so messy. You say you feel "comfortable", but is that what you really want from life? Are you satisfied with "plodding along", neither particularly happy nor sad nor angry nor ... anything? Is what you have even really a marriage? Infidelity on both sides (not acceptable on either side, by the way), no sex, your wife depressed, drinking and overeating, you having constant escape fantasies, the threat of revenge making escape impossible? Yes, you have a daughter, but that doesn't justify mutual imprisonment. It sounds to me like you are primarily gay. Your descriptions of male encounters are excited and vivid. If I said of a movie that "I absolutely loved it" and it was "an earth-shattering experience", then you'd probably go to see it. If you are gay, then your choice is basically either to stay in your marriage and wonder what might have been, or leave and find out, risking the consequences. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughter, so your wife's attempts to poison the well would probably ultimately backfire. I doubt what your daughter wants is a miserable father and mother who feel no attraction to each other and spend their time having "numerous arguments". If you're to take the threat of "financial ruin" seriously, then that essentially means that you can never leave her, for any reason. As for her "outing" you - why not get there first? You've told a few people (the most important people to you, it sounds like), and they didn't cry demon and start flinging holy water - why would telling other people be so bad? Like you said, you seem to have a lot of internalised homophobia, not surprising given your mother's and wife's views. But late 40s is hardly palliative care - imagine the decades of fulfilling relationship(s) you could have if you took the leap. You don't want to be back here in another five years still on the ledge, afraid to jump.
You are gay and should live your life as gay. Don't live in lies anymore. It's wrong for you and for your daughter. Do you want husband for her like you?
Agreed, it certainly seems that your gay. Living a lie will only lead to lifelong unhappiness. Life is way to short to live a lie. Embrace your gay self and live.
From my perspective it does sound like you could be gay. It sounds very similar to my own experience except that you have had many more encounters with men than I. I am in a relationship with a woman but still only masturbate thinking about men and usually have to imagine she is a man to reach orgasm. I’m still not sure I’m gay but it’s enlightening to read of someone else with a somewhat similar story.
Hi! I am sorry you are going through such a horrible time but after reading your story, I am not saying you’re not gay but have you looked into being biromantic but homosexual? Or homoflexible? Biromantic would be where you are romantically attracted to both sexes (you say you can be romantically/emotionally attracted to both sexes), but maybe you are only sexually attracted to the same sex? Or homoflexibility would be where you are primarily gay but have occasional attraction to the opposite sex. Or of course you could be gay and experiencing compulsory heterosexuality, it is very common in lesbians (myself included before I came out, I exclusively dated men until I came out and only had sexual experiences with men which I did not enjoy and most of the time did not climax but on the rare occasion I did, it would be because I was thinking about women) but I am certain it could occur in anybody! So maybe you could have a look into all of this? You should not have to live just to be ‘comfortable’, you deserve to be happy. Hope this is of some help! Good luck x
Wow, this hit home for me. Youu pretty much summed up my whole story so far, like almost exactly. So yeah I know exactly what you are going through and I'm still going through it as well. Not easy to leave behind someone you've loved for years, on top of having children together. But at the same time we need to be true to our self. Feel free to message me if you'd like to chat!
Okay so I’m Bi it your story is so similar to mine. More to come on that, but you have definitely landed on the right platform. Welcome back to EC. Hope you find the answers you seek and it’s as helpful to you as it has been to me. I’ll be back, but it’s 5:00 in the morning and I haven’t slept.
