It's been awhile since I've posted anything here. Anyways, somewhat recently I met a girl and I think and hope that I like her it feels like I have a crush on her and I can't recall ever thinking about a guy the same way, but it at the same time worries me that I'm forcing it or something because I'm dealing with the same old problems still and they've started coming back bad again recently. I was doing much better as I was able to at one point fantasize about having sex with a girl as a man instead of anything else and I also kinda worry that that was something forced too as I've started getting weird arousing dreams and thoughts again. This morning for example, I was dreaming that I was a woman having sex with a guy and I was acting out a porn scene and it felt really arousing to me in the dream as I was switching between 1st and 3rd person perspectives on the scene and I woke up when it was over and went to get rid of my erection that wouldn't go away and like before I went and looked at fpov porn to test the dream and I got some arousal but the main source of it was when I would see a close up of the penis and I eventually just finished on vanilla straight porn. Now, I have never really pictured myself as a woman in my day to day life and in my day dreams I'm almost always myself or some other guy and whenever I think about being a woman its basically always in sexual scenarios like when I would play modded Skyrim as a female character with sex mods. I'm kinda worried that this has to mean something since I've been doing it for a long time and then the arousal to penises. I've tried using gay porn and it hasn't really done anything for me and it makes me feel confused since I start thinking I'm doing that on purpose and I seem to really have to try with stuff I would normally watch. I know that the compulsions are just OCD, but the results of the compulsions and all that pointing to me being what I'm fearing. Sorry if this wasn't very cohesive and all over the place
I see your confusion but Porn isn't a great tool or indicator of what your sexuality may or may not be. Porn is like an echo chamber. You'll just bounce around the walls of the bubble and the path only leads further down multiple rabbit holes instead of out. If you really want to discover the answers you're looking for then you need to go outside the bubble. Try to join a LGBT group or go to an LGBT event. I've been to a few groups and a few guys there are always gamers. Maybe you can befriend these guys and play games together online and visit offline. Or you can look up content creators who are on YouTube, that don't sexualize themselves constantly.
I've tried doing similar to that a while ago and it just made me more lost because it didn't feel quite right. And it makes falling for a girl again like I have more confusing
You may be Bisexual and mostly attracted to women. Being BI doesn't mean your attraction is necessarily split 50/50 between men and women. My attraction level has changed a lot over the years. Now it's 80% men / 20% women. If you're comfortable dating women right now then you can put everything else on the back burner until it becomes a little more clear to you.
Maybe I think I would be fine with that. Also, how do I know if I really like somebody and not faking it? Like what are the signs? (I've don't usually fall for people often it's probably been years until now)
You'll have to put yourself out there and gain some experience going on dates with women and men. Or at least flirting with them. I get that it can be hard to discern true feelings for someone at first but it's a process to figure that out. The basic indicator that you genuinely like someone is if you can't stop thinking about them or you're looking forward to spending as much time as possible with them. Trying may feel like forcing yourself at first. But the more experience you get = more confidence. This will lead you to better understand yourself and what you desire from life and a partner. I had a hard time at first figuring about my sexually because I liked men and women, which made me confused and felt like a contraindication at times. What helped was observing other straight and gay couples. I saw straight couples and could see myself in both dynamics of the man or the woman in the relationship. I found a combination of those dynamics appealing in different couples I observed. Then I saw those same dynamics reflected in gay couples and it's was vastly more appealing to me. Basically what I'm trying to say is watch and discover how you would like to be romanced and how you would like to romance others. Side bar your sexual desires for now because they are confusing you. Learn how to fall in love first before you make love.
I'm definitely feeling that way towards this girl. I think about her very often and I find myself looking forward to seeing her every week. I can't recall ever feeling like that towards someone of the same sex and would usually look at gay couples with indifference while seeing straight couples and getting somewhat jealous. However, now that I'm constantly hyperaware and testing whenever I see a guy I think looks good it sends me into a panic and I keep testing to see if I'm attracted or not when I used to just acknowledge they look good and wish I looked as good and then I'd just go on with my day.
Hi there! Welcome back. Based on what you have described, I'd say try to explore it more. You seem to have developed an attraction towards a person and trying to explore that attraction, your feelings and overall of how you feel when you are together can only provide you with more insights. It might be good to let things happen on their own, rather than testing. You will get to know if there is an attraction or something more. Testing and being vigilant about what's going on for you, could (potentially) end up in false positives and increase your anxiety because you are collecting all that information without being able to take the next step, if that makes sense. It sounds like you are trying too hard. If you think about all the information you have already collected, that could already give you a good sense of where things are at. Perhaps what could help is not trying to attach a label or define the feelings and attractions you are experiencing, at the moment. Keeping an open mind, could potentially help you to understand your feelings better.
Well I had bad news told to me today... I wont be seeing that girl anymore and I'll never get the chance to ask her out or anything and my mental state is really bad right not and I regret not trying to really try and go anywhere with her due to being scared of rejection... And of course this has been making my OCD even worse because I could still cite what I was feeling for a girl was real and ongoing and now its gone i just dont know what to do anymore I feel so sad
I'm sorry you're going through a rough time right now. The intricacies of dating can be pretty hard to navigate. However it isn't a waste. Hold on to those beautiful feelings you created inside. Don't let them turn bitter and crush you. I think that is why it's called having a crush on someone because you acknowledge the risk or reward of falling in love. Foster that love you feel and when that time comes you can share that love with someone else. I've been through break ups and bad luck while dating. My biggest regret was not fighting for myself and fostering my love for myself. You have to love yourself before you can truly love others.
Thanks for those words. I'm still really glad I can still feel that way towards a girl and even feel like this because of that so it's not a total loss I suppose. It just really sucks so bad that she really seemed like a one in a million in the fact that finding a person like her is so rare and the fact I will never see her again or hear her laugh just makes me kinda depressed. I really hope I can get over this soon and find someone some day that has similar qualities
I need to get some stuff I'm having bad anxiety about off my chest and I really apologize if I'm getting repetitive. I feel like I've hit one of the lowest points in my life and while I'm still trying to get over my loss the anxiety regarding my sexuality has been getting really bad during this. I'm worried that I never truly liked her or any other girl the same way and all it was is something platonic and I've seen a bunch of testimony that a lot of gay men have had crushes on girls and have even dated and all that before realizing they were gay and it was according to them a misinterpreted platonic interest. And it makes me wonder if there are any gay guys that had crushes on girls and would always be looking at naked girls and models and all that (I can remember constantly looking at Kate Upton back when I was a young teen and I was always looking at some sort of straight porn when I was looking for that kind of material). Also, wouldn't it be abnormal for a gay guy to get really aroused at a straight strip club? Another thing that has been worrying my is that in I believe it was 2nd grade one of my friends was over for a sleep over and at one point I got happy that he was gonna be able to stay longer and I kissed him on I believe his cheek. And I am constantly checking and if I find guys good looking or attractive constantly and it makes me keep checking my past and then I remember at one point I wanted to try out masturbating to porn with friends when I was probably around 13-15 somewhere in that age range and it worries me that it could mean something. This has all been so disheartening because I've only ever viewed myself with having a wife and a family and getting to do date stuff with women and have never been able to imagine the same with a guy. I'm scared that I've been living a lie my whole life and that I have been secretly gay this whole time and forced myself to be straight due to heteronormativity and internalized homophobia. I have been prone to OCD thoughts for a large portion of my life and I can remember always kind of having a fear of secretly being gay and having something expose it and I know how gay guys have been treated and it makes me worried that again that I tricked myself into being straight. Again I apologize if I'm starting to get annoying
