Anyone else feel as stupid as I do?

Hey SwirlingOcean, I too can relate to much of what you said. I finally figured it out just after college and at that point tried to forget about it and push it away. I realized all the guys I admired from afar and wanted to be friends with were crushes. I was mad that no one told me the truth about sexuality, like everyone knew about gay/bi/straight but me. I felt such a loss of all those college years not knowing and having a chance to be with a guy. After some time of basically accepting I'm gay and not telling anyone I was embarrassed and felt bad not coming out, like I was lying to them.

Anyway, the advice I want to give is you aren't stupid and I hope you can get over the shock and newness of all this and move on sooner rather than later. Don't follow my example or you'll be 45 and still stuck where you are now. (*hug*)

 

I should feel twice as bad as you do. I kind of always knew that I was gay, but I rejected my true self for soooooo ...long.

I certainly can't say I didn't know. I tried my best to make believe; I think I was a mega deceiver to myself, my wife, and the world. And, I am 56. Be hopeful, you have a lot of life left to live. Sexuality is confusing.

 

It hit me a bit later than some - I was 20. And there was a period of "Geez, Lex, how coud you not KNOW?!" (spoken internally to myself). But it was kind of overpowered by my libido saying "Isn't this awesome!?" In short, yeah, I was a bit surorised it took so long, butfor the first time, my libido and fantasies made SENSE. And that fekt so good.

Lex

 

So many good posts about being patient with yourself and the evolving process of identity, fantasy and psycological processes. If it isnt clear there will be a time when it is more clear, and maybe it will get fuzzy again.
Becksie, forgive your parents if you can. Esp if they are elderly. This is pretty new terrain our society is more accepting of.
I wanted to tell me mom long ago but with the council of two sisters who i first came out to independently, i didn't Many years later i think i knew that she might have managed but then she was in her nineties and not long for this world. She also once saw a gay porn mag i had as a teenager. She never said a word. I wished she would have as it would have let me know where i stood. In effect i simply muddled my way through things and have come to learn that my integrity is the ONLY thing valuable i have to give and that means sometimes my feelings change. Anyway live with courage Becksie others may not always appreciate it but that isn't your task

 

I'm 30 and came out just to myself recently.

 

I can definitely relate to this. I've been out now for quite a few years, but still.