Any near 30's questioning/confused/struggling?

Aloha everyone.

I am new to this, and like many of you still working to come to terms with the reality that I'm gay. The idea is still pretty overwhelming and challenging for me to fully accept and come to terms with. In that regard I am really glad that I came across this thread, as the information everyone has posted is really useful and relevant.

As I am still extremely new to this, I don’t have anything to add to what has already been said, but did want to offer my personal experience with a dating site.

I joined a dating site about a month ago to try to connect with other guys and try to help me come to terms my sexuality a little better. It was a big step for me to put myself out on a dating site, but overall the experience has been positive. While, I have defiantly messaged and chatted with plenty of guys who are just looking for quick hookup (which is not what I am seeking), I have also met some really good guys who are genuinely looking for friendship and relationships.

Many of them have been in my situation and have been really understanding towards it.
Talking with these guys has not only allowed me to address many of my anxieties and fears, but it has allowed me to associate being gay with being normal (having shared interested, goals, and hobbies as other guys).

A couple of the guys I have talked with have suggested that we meet in person. That is still a boundary I still anxious about crossing and looking for more support on. However, after my experience with on a dating site, I am defiantly open to and wanting to work towards that step.

I don’t know if that helps, but just putting it out there.

Again, thanks to everyone for sharing and good luck.

 

Heh, just saw this thread. Came out to myself 23 months ago, (two years next Halloween.. no real significance it just happened to be at the end of the month) and I've had a boyfriend as of two months now. It was really rocky at times but I say take it as slow as you have to, and meet some real queer people! That sort of social exposure really helps.

 

I don't buy the whole " I didn't realize i was gay till i was 30" thingy. I think if your gay, your gay at puberty. If you choose to throw those feelings aside and live a perceived "normal" str8 then that is the choice you have, and you were still always gay. I'm not hating cause i did the same thing. But I choose to do that because I refused to be Gay. Now doing this really mentally screws you up. IMO when u do finally accept who u are, 2 things can happen. 1 you become this sexually addicted gay freek.or 2 you are so uncomfortable with love and relationships that u just cant love anyone. Almost like an asexual state of mind. So the teaching here is young people, DO NOT live a str8 life when yr gay, it does mental damage! No disrespect to anyone. BUt you do not turn gay, or just figure out your gay, or realize your gay. You ARE gay, but you choose to not let yourself be gay. Its called being gay and homophobic, which almost all closeted gays are. They are scared and its because of society and hate. I dont have all the answers but yeah it sucks to be gay, period.

 

You say you mean no disrespect, but I find it extraordinarily disrespectful to so flippantly dismiss other people's experiences, simply because you had a different one. Reactions are not universal. Being in denial and perhaps internally homophobic was your experience; it was not mine, nor is it that of every person who comes out later in life.

 

Well, nothing I can say here that hasn't essentially been said before, but it can never hurt to add my voice to the choir!

Personally (and I'll confess up-front that on many moments when I'm alone I woefully fail at it myself), the important thing to is to focus on the positives of coming out later.

Sure, compared to some you wasted a lot of time figuring out something a lot of guys nowadays know by the time they're 16. And in these times of internet, it's hard to imagine how you could have remained ignorant that you could be gay.
Personally, I'll never quite get over the fact that I was there when some of my friends came out. I saw first-hand the acceptance and lack of back-talking when the newly-outed friends weren't there. And yet I sat there and pretended to be straight until everyone else had ben out for years (in my defense, I really was convinced I was straight and all of those confusing feelings were just a phase that would pass any day).

However, I also like making a list of things I managed to do in the meantime, and bad ideas I steered clear of.
For example: while I didn't date in school and university, all the time I didn't spend on nightlife and relationships went into study, which got me a pretty awesome job.
While some of my gay friends were out doing some pretty dangerous things (hook-up wise) in the pursuit of exploring their sexuality, I'm past the phases of "extreme hormones" and I'll probably end up in a lot less risky situations while exploring my gayer side.
Keeping all of the conflicting feelings was really tough, but on some level, I also think that I gained a better understanding of my own mind than I wouldn't have spent a lot of time questioning myself.

The list might be different for you, and to every pro there is a con, but it helps to remember that "doing something else than coming out" doesn't equate to "wasting your time". In part, not being out figured in your good character traits too



Dealing with guilt and shame always was tough for me. In fact, by the time I did manage to come out to people, it was the main thing keeping me back. Not the shame of being gay, but the fact that I'd have to tell people that I had been lying to them and keeping secrets from them for most of the time I knew them. Even (especially) to the ones that made a point of being open and honest to me too (such as my gay friends. How do you explain you knew you were gay for the full seven years since they came out to you?).

But, other people assured me that friends rarely take that the wrong way. Most do very quickly come to understand that the closet is a very bad place to be and that it is very hard to come out to people. I didn't believe it at the time, but when I did come out to people, they all were supportive to a man. None of them gave me a bad time for all of the times I possibly acted weird or secretive.
Of course, now I'm asking you to take it on faith just as I have, but most people really are supportive.

One trick is also to go slow. you don't need to make a grand public announcement to all your friends and family. Picking one good friend who's of the more discrete kind can already go a great length. and they might have some good ideas to come out to other friends (while therapists aren't bad to talk to, they generally don't know your friends as well as other friends do). While I did end my closet with a mass-coming out to multiple friends at once, I could have never done it without using one-on-one comings-out as stepping stones.



Support groups can help, as can socialising with other gay people. I never was very good with that, and I'm quite incapable of going to a gay bar or a gay club by myself, but on the times when my friends dragged me to GLBT hangout places, I did like the feeling that somewhere in the crowd, there were people who went through the exact same things. Didn't mean I was going to start talking to random people there, but just the knowledge was... soothing, somehow.

What has proven much easier to me lately is to actually try and just get out more. Not necessarily to GLBT places or to gay support groups or the like, but just doing new things (like e.g. volunteering when the city needs help in organising events).
When I'm there, I'm just open and out from the start. It helps to see that most people really don't care, and it helps in building up confidence to socialise with all kinds of people. I figured that in case I'd have a bad experience, I didn't know those people well beforehand, and I can just cut them out just as easily, but to date I haven't really had a bad experience. I'm hoping that by being around random people more I'll someday build up the courage to go and meet specifically GLBT people someday.



Okay, this is a long post already, but I guess the gist of it is that, for me, the best advice is to go slowly and one step at a time, building your confidence along the way. If you waited nearly 30 years, taking a couple of extra months (or even years) getting comfortable won't make too much of a difference!

 

Don't feel bad! And don't worry either, that day will come and it will be worth it.

 

I have to chime in here as well to say that for me - I honestly never contemplated that I was gay. It simply wasn't an option that came to me. At least not consciously. Perhaps in my subconscience I had an inkling, but I've come to realize that the human brain is a pretty powerful thing, and if my mind felt that allowing that thought into my consciousness would create too much grief, then it kept it in my subconscience.

Where I'll agree with you is that I have been gay all my life. I'm not even sure I'd say since puberty - but from an earlier age. I've always been the way I am.

I'll also agree that whether I consciously kept it supressed or not, it still messed me up mentally. And moreso once I finally realized it and STILL tried to deny it. At that point I was married with 2 kids and I didn't see a way out.

And one last comment related to your last statement. I am currently SO happy with my life and the way it has turned out that I totally and completely disagree with your suggestion that "it sucks to be gay". It doesn't. What can suck about being gay is your attitude towards it. I think it's awesome to be gay. Because I'm gay, and I feel good, and I'm living an awesome life - it's awesome to be gay. It's awesome to be straight too - if you happen to be straight. But I'm not. :icon_bigg

 

Well, as a fellow late bloomer here - I will say you are a lot further along then I was.
While I always knew I was gay, it took a snow storm and an AOL chat room for me to experiment - and that was in my early 30's.
I didn't want to be gay. I was a successful professional, a hard ass at the office - I didn't own, or want to own rainbow anything.
I spent the next few years thinking - well maybe I am bi??? I knew I wasn't - the passion I felt when I was a guy confirmed that for me.
I met a man I care for deeply- found EC - and finally accepted myself.
I am living the life I am always pictured - only with a man.
For me, the hardest part of coming out latter in life, was the feeling that I had lied to my friends/family for so long. Having them meet GF's etc - I felt like a complete fraud. Thankfully, everyone was very understanding and caring.
Best of luck!