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Am I tricking myself into thinking I’m lesbian + lots of doubts

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by El09, Apr 10, 2018.

  1. El09

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    I’m quite new to this sort of thing - the forums and community - and I’m not really sure on what to say so I guess I’ll sum up my feelings and questions regarding my sexuality.

    So as a child I never really thought about being with girls and never thought about me being lesbian. I just kind of went by. I never have really had a proper crush on a boy, more of a feeling of enjoyment when flirting. However I simply cannot imagine myself in a domestic relationship with a man. In the past year I’ve been exposed to the lgbt community and I became really interested in it and I experienced a want to be in it as I felt I almost wanted to belong to it. I was also into kpop at the time and there are many gay/lesbian ships and fanfictions. I always would read the lgbt fan fictions and I would feel uncomfortable reading the straight ones. I then became worried that I was heterophobic (is that even a word) and then began to question my own sexuality. But then of course came the doubts and I thought that wether I preferred lgbt films over straight films was insignificant and not at all indicative of my sexuality. Since then I began noticing that I had never had an interest in boys romantically and not really sexually either. I also got my first crush and it was on a girl. It wasn’t really sexual but I was very young so I wasn’t that ‘active’. I really liked her romantically and it was the typical crush with jealousy and all that. It was then I knew I wasn’t 100% straight. I don’t think I am at all. However this is the messy part as I have so many doubts and then again, my feelings are probably quite common. I prefer watching lesbian themed things and get very happy and excited at the mention of the lgbt community. I then get worried that I am fetishisizing(?) the lbgt community and that I just ‘want’ to be lesbian so I am tricking myself into thinking that I am. Because I find males nice to look at and that more are physically attractive to me than females but I just can’t be attracted to them sexually or romantically. I love the idea of living with a woman and being in a romantic relationship with them. But once again, not really sexually. I am definitely not asexual, I think it’s just because I am still quite young so I don’t really have ‘those’ desires. I also enjoy flirting with men - I get a kick out of it- but nothing further. I have never felt that with a woman. I also feel very comfortable and happy with the idea of being lesbian and almost want to be but then that goes back to the worry of if I’m convincing myself I’m lesbian when I am not?

    Overall my worry is that I find males nicer to look at but I would love to feel the same with a woman and grow old with a woman but I don’t like the sound of that as it seems I am trying to be lesbian when I may not be? Is there any advice anyone has with helping me figure out what I identify as? This post is so long I’m sorry but it’s kind of a big blurted rant.
     
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  2. callistia

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    Hey @El09. This kind of reminds me of myself, so I’ll try to give some advice (I’m sorry if it’s not great).
    This really reminds me of myself when I was younger. I was told that I’d have crushes on boys, but I never did and I couldn’t (and still can’t) imagine myself in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with a man. Just because you didn’t think of girls when you were younger doesn’t mean you aren’t attracted to them romantically or sexually.
    I don’t exactly have the same experience with fan fics, but maybe you should ask yourself why you prefer LGBT films and fan fics over straight films and fan fics. Is it because you feel like you can relate to the LGBT characters more since they are part of a community that you belong to? If that’s the case, then I’d say that you might not necessarily be tricking yourself, but I wouldn’t rely on that alone to determine your sexuality (as you’d said by writing that your film preference isn’t necessarily indicative of your sexuality).
    I would use your experiences like you’ve described here to help figure out your sexuality. After all, sexuality is based on attraction, and you’ve described being romantically attracted to a girl. From my personal experience, it’s not easy to make yourself have a crush on someone (trust me, I tried to be straight and have crushes on boys when I was in grade school and I failed miserably), and you can feel when you have a crush on someone.
    Again, you might want to ask yourself why you’re getting excited. Is it because you can relate to LGBT people and characters since you’re also part of the community? Are you interested in gay/lesbian ships because of the people/characters and their relationship or just because they’re gay/lesbian? I think it’s normal to be excited when you can find people or characters that you can relate to, so if that’s the reasoning, then I don’t necessarily think that you’re tricking yourself into being a lesbian. I also think you can find males aesthetically attractive without being romantically or sexually attracted to them and without wanting a romantic or sexual relationship with them. Are you flirting because you’re genuinely interested in them, or because you’re just having fun?
    If you’re attracted to women and want to have a romantic or sexual with a woman in the future, then I think you should do that. You should make choices that make you happy. Don’t feel pressured or rushed to figure everything out. It’s perfectly fine to explore and try things out to see whether or not you like them. As long as you’re happy and trying your best to be true to yourself, then you’re doing great. The link below might have some helpful answers. I have to go now, but I’ll try to come back and post more resources soon. Best wishes! :grin:
    https://www.pflag.org/sites/default/files/Be Yourself.pdf
     
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  3. callistia

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    Alright, I'm back with a few more resources.
    http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=336 (this is probably the most specific to your situation, so I would check this site out first)
    https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/trevor-support-center/#sm.0000nnlpavwoce3fs5a1kpck6a1x8 (there are several sections here and most if not all have an FAQ part at the bottom along with some resources)
    https://www.pride.com/coming-out/2015/7/08/9-things-i-wish-i-knew-while-questioning-my-sexuality (some of this is more college-oriented, but there are some good tips regardless of whether or not you're a college student)
    https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ab...u/the-guide/#sm.0000nnlpavwoce3fs5a1kpck6a1x8 (I know this is geared toward coming out, but there are some parts about figuring out your sexuality)
    I think there's also a thread of useful/helpful resources at the top of the sexual orientation section on here, so you might want to check that out if you haven't already.
    I hope that these resources are helpful. Just remember to take this at your own pace and keep an open mind. It's okay if you say that you're unsure or decide that you don't want to pick/use a label. What's important is that you're happy and making choices that are safe and true to yourself. Good luck!
    (I also noticed that there was a typo in my last post and I meant to say "romantic or sexual relationship" in the last paragraph.)
     
    #3 callistia, Apr 12, 2018
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2018
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  4. El09

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    Once again thank you these resources are very useful. I really appreciate your effort into helping my situation!
     
  5. El09

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    Wow thank you! This really helps me a lot in trying to figure out my sexuality. I’ve asked myself these questions and it does clear up things quite a lot for me! I’ve also recently seen forums about heteronormativity and it seems as if I’m experiencing a lot of that? I do flirt with boys just to have fun and never to pursue an actual relationship. Thank you very much
     
  6. callistia

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    I’m glad it helped! I obviously don’t know everything, but feel free to ask any other questions if you want to (or if you just want someone to talk to). Have a great day!
     
  7. Richard321

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    E109, the title that you gave this thread and your post itself both made me think. Firstly about you, then about myself, and then about you again. I editted this many times as I went along by the way. Again and again...

    I'm wondering if I am too tricking myself, and if I've long been tricking myself too into thinking that I'm pan or bi. But then from the mention in other threads on EC of internalised homophobia causing both unrealised or realised shame, I'm counter wondering that I might be pan or bi again, or even gay. The fact that I've not been with any guy physically doesn't help me because in the first version it's a pressing arguement for, but in the second it could be discounted as being from fear.

    And then I came to write of you. I had been going to say that maybe you are bi. But then thought that I shouldn't write about that because I can't answer your titled dilemma about myself for myself! So much so am I now wondering, that I'm going to change my sexual orientation from "other" to "questioning". But that's OK because "questioning" for me will be more correct right now than "other".

    So, thanks. And you be OK that you know that you are questioning. Don't label yourself too quickly. Don't feel any pressure to squeeze yourself into a label that might fit but doesn't fit. No rush. There is no rush.
     
    #7 Richard321, Apr 16, 2018
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2018
  8. scs96

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    I used to think that I felt attraction to girls because I "wished" I could be gay.

    That isn't how that works. It takes a long time, but at one time or another, I've felt everything you're saying. All of that is completely normal and your feelings are valid.
     
  9. Richard321

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    It's a day later after changing my status to "Questioning" and I notice that this is insufficient for me. So, I've reverted to "Other" because it again feels more accurate. Yes, I feel "Pansexual".
     
  10. KoiQueen

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    I have the same exact feelings when I was younger I never really liked boys but I also never even thought I might be a lesbian because I didn’t even know they existed. I can also picture myself living with a women and being with her physically. But sometimes I feel attracted to boys but only animated boys I can’t see myself with real men at all. This probably wasn’t helpful I’m sorry
     
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