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Am I trans?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Aub, Apr 12, 2019 at 7:26 PM.

  1. Aub

    Aub
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    So long story going to try and keep it as short as possible.

    I have always been drawn to feminine things but on the outside I do a very good job of covering by playing the masculine role. When I was about 5 I started sneaking my mom'a undergarmets and wear them under my clothes because they made me feel girly. There wasn't anything sexual at that age, I didn't even know what sex was, but I just liked feeling feminine. I didn't put it all together at the time but I do remember sometimes having dreams that I was going to wake up and be a girl. I used to play a lot with my girl cousins too and sometimes we'd play superheroes and I would always pick to play the female character. To this day they still laugh about it when we see each other.

    Fast forward into adolescence and I'd say I was a fairy normal guy. Dated girls, had great sex etc and I knew how to take over the sexual role as a male but sometimes my feminine side would come out. It wasn't a constant gender dysphoria but more like sporadic. Sometimes I was the typical aggressive male while other times I was very effeminate. That's when I started to mess around with being penetrated and it kind of brought back everything from childhood again of feeling like and wanting to be a girl. But the weird thing that throws me for a loop is I still had my moments of typical male role aggressiveness in the sex department but I also longed to be more feminine like I was masking it well. It's what makes me so confused. I feel like anything and everything female is my natural comfort but because of societal pressures I guard myself with masculine cover up. But how do you ever really know the difference?

    Another weird thing to me is I am definitely super attracted to women without a doubt.Seeing an attractive female turns me on and I have no interest in men outside of using a dong hehe.. but since childhood had these thoughts to be female. I would get so jealous in years past seeing their breast and little bumps between their legs at the pool because I wanted a vagina and breasts too..I wanted to feel pretty. Again I would cover that up and move on, maybe even date them briefly..endless cycle of back and forth.

    So now I am back again feeling like maybe all this time (now in my 30s) that I'm a transgender woman that's attracted to females. I started talking to a therapist and kind of just explaining my history and one of the suggestions made was to find people with similar issues and talk to them about it which is why I joined here. I also started exploring my feminine side more by shaving to be smooth, wearing panties, painting my nails, playing with makeup and clothes and what I am discovering is it all feels so natural and right to me. The more girly I get the better I feel but I don't know if this is what I have always been and just starting my journey to become a trans woman or am I just opening the door to some weird fetish? And why am I still so attracted to women and not men if I love being a girl? So confusing lol...anyone dealt or can relate with any of this?
     
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  2. AlexJames

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    Its a totally valid option that you're just a lesbian transgender woman.

    I think these things do matter a lot, but i think what matters most is (1) how you identify and (2) how you feel about your primary and secondary sex characteristics. Society's version of masculine and feminine and what's acceptable changes from culture to culture, century to century. How do you feel, introducing yourself as your birth name and being called a guy? I know you talked a lot about wanting a vagina and breasts, i guess that covers point number 2.
     
  3. Aub

    Aub
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    Hey Alex,

    Thank you for responding! I feel more comfortable being called my birth name and being called a guy but I think that's more to do with societal pressures and not my inner-self if that makes sense. Being who I really am is harder because of those pressures and I think that's why I sporadically go back in forth between accepting the role I've been born with and suppressing my inner feelings for decades. For example, with my counselor where my privacy is protected or online I prefer being called my female name Aub (Aubrey) and pronouns she but I am struggling with are my feelings misleading me or is it that I have just ignored them for so long. My counselor suggested this site and few others to talk to others with similar struggles and suggested to allow my femininity to show at my pace as I feel more comfortable with it which is sound advice I think but it doesn't make it any less confusing. Thanks so much for you input though I've really been learning a lot lately :slight_smile:
     
  4. Katelyn93

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    Hi Aubre,

    Geez, that's a lot to deal with at once. But it sounds so familiar. You're still standing though so it can only get better.

    I find myself in a similar boat currently however it's important to separate Your sexual orientation and gender identity. You're talking about wanting to be female and enjoying the girly aspects so that would be your gender, being attracted to women would be sexuality, but these things can shift too and even cis girls (I've spoken a lot on this topic with my friends) can have less feminine moments or be aggressive, its not exactly an invalidating reason.

    I find myself for instance fighting the sexuality a lot while I'm trying to accept my gender identity. Especially since I'm also attracted to women but the idea of being a woman and being dominated by a man or enjoying piv sex gets me excited, but I don't have general attraction to men. A man could enjoy this and be gay, but since I'm transgender woman it would be heterosexual sex, while I'm attracted to women, so I'm a lesbian. Does that logic make sense? I fight the sexuality because I was raised that men liking men is wrong and I am a man, so it would be against everything I've been taught to believe to like men, but if I lose up and let myself maybe I'll find some sort of attraction. Who knows.

    Good luck in your journey, just take it slow and be safe. You'll figure it out. Beyond that we're here to talk if you need

    Hugs.
    Katelyn.
     
    Aub likes this.
  5. Aub

    Aub
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    Katelyn,

    Thanks for sharing and offering some input I really appreciate it. Also, you're so beautiful girl! <3

    I totally get what you're saying and it makes more sense to me now. I think I am probably a lesbian too but time will tell as I go through this journey of no more denying and self-discovery. The thought of being with a man just kinda freaks me out and doesn't do anything for me but I also see your point of how things change and maybe as more of my femininity comes out I will start to feel attraction toward men. As you said, who knows, but it's important to just take my time and be safe. Thank you <3
     
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  6. Katelyn93

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    Nawwwww, thank you Aubre, you're sweet. It was a good day when I took that photo. Hope it'll look even beter when I do get to transition. For now it's the little victories, you know?

    You've got it in my opinion. Break it into its parts and tackle them individually to prevent going over whelmed and just go with the flow. If you feel uncomfortable there's no shame in back paddling, if you're not ready yet you can put it on hold while staying where you're at until you want to go further or figure it out and when you feel daring or brave, take a break be honest with yourself. It honesty helps. I find it hard to physically say I am a woman because I feel stupid based on logic I was taught as a child but once I say it I feel empowered. It took time.

    Good luck kay,
    Katelyn
     
  7. Hillary B

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    Hi Aubrey,

    This is good thread that matches my own position in many ways.
    I am currently, after two x20 sessions of counseling in hi intensity CBT which has also segued now to looking at my gender & sexuality issues so I'm moving forward.
    BTW my counselor also recommended joining a site like this to 'come out' [my concept not hers] and empathise on/with / relate too.
    It is working.
    Good luck h
     
  8. Aub

    Aub
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    Hey Hilary!

    Yes sometimes just talking things out helps because we tend to internalize everything so much. I know it has been helping me a lot just by communicating with others. Good luck on your journey hun