So, pretty much I'm still not quite sure if I'm trans or not. Asking question about this sort of stuff usually makes me nervous, since I'm always scared I'm bound to offend someone and get my head bitten off for trying to get informed. So please have some patience with me. I've dealt with gender dysphoria since I was a kid. Like seeing myself as more of a son than a daughter at times when it came to caring for and protecting my single mom. When I got into my pre-teens I was quite developed for my age, but I also got to a point to where I couldn't even handle looking at my own reflection. It always felt like I was looking at a stranger that I hated and disgusted me and the longer I would have to see my reflection I would sometimes feel like I would go and insane and breakdown. Quite often I would just become numb to what I was seeing, which helped for when I was out in public. In general I just learned not to look longer than necessary. At first I thought it was because of my weight, but I've since then learned that it was just a part of gender dysphoria. That was more apparent when I could my hair super short for the first time a couple of months ago. When I saw myself in the mirror for the first time with short hair it was jarring at first, but it was the first time in a very long time that I felt like I was starting to see me and not the hated stranger I had been seeing for years. Since then I also noticed I can now look at my reflection without so much of the dysphoria. I still feel some dysphoria when I notice just how feminine my face still looks though. At first I was proud with ending up with a large bust size naturally, but at the sametime I always felt uncomfortable about them and usually felt the need to keep them hidden as much as possible. It wasn't just to keep creeps from staring at them, but also because I didn't want to be seen as a chick. I liked being able to be one of the guys and it always bothered me when the image would get disrupted and people would see me as a female instead and be ready to treat me differently. Even with my first girlfriend I used to keep them hidden as much as possible. With my second girlfriend I didn't experience the usual discomfort about them, since she liked them a lot and that made me happy. But after her, things went back to how they were before and continued to get worse, to where I have days I don't want to acknowledge having breasts at all. Some days I just wish to be able to rub my hand down my chest and it all be flat. Because my breasts are so huge I can't even bind them at the moment, but because my dysphoria about my chest isn't always so bad I can't bring myself to choose to have them completely removed. I feel like if I did that then 'll regret it for the rest of my life, since I do have days where I do feel a teeny tiny bit associated with my sex. But even on those days I still lean in the masculine direction. At first I used to wonder if it was probably just a fetish or something. The instinctual need to do certain sexual things that naturally my body can't do, since I was born female. Usually during those moments I have a strong desire to be a guy instead. I even see myself as more of guy during those moments. It doesn't help it that quite often I do feel like something is missing, but most of the time it's mild enough to where I can ignore it. I've even considered stuff socks into my pants sometimes, but I know it just would be the same. Plus, I currently reside with my very religious mom and aunt and I don't want to hear their mouths. My mom already doesn't accept nor respect the fact that I'm attracted to women. So, I can't wait until I can afford to be on my own and get my first packer. As for anything else regarding down there, I've realized never really been interested in having kids myself. Years ago I would've been willing and ready to have a baby for my second girlfriend, but that would've been to make her happy. I still want to be a parent one day, but I'm not interested in carrying children much anymore. Plus with my health issues as well as the common uterine issues in my family; the feeling I've had since I was young just might be legit that it might not be for me to have babies. And honestly, I'm okay with that, since I still got other options. I also get days where my dysphoria gets so bad even without being triggered to where I can't stand for anyone to acknowledge me as a chick. Days where I feel like I absolutely must be seen as a guy and acknowledged as one. Unfortunately, those days are always so random about how long they last, sometimes the feeling and frustration lasts for a good number of days without ramping down in intensity. During that point I sometimes can't wait until I go back to feel nothing when it comes to my gender, since I just want a break from the feeling and stop to the headache being created from the frustration. It feels a million times worse during my period, where I usually just feel like staying in bed and crying out of frustration. I'd love to dress up like a guy all the time, but like said before it's not an option until I get the weight off, a breast reduction and atleast be able to bind myself properly (since packing is out until I can get away from these two). My confusion about whether I'm trans or not comes in where despite all of what I've mentioned I just don't feel like I need to transition in order to attain what I want at the moment. Most of the time my dysphoria is quite mild to where I'm able to block it out and if I'm lucky I may even get some decent breaks from it from time to time. It seems I've learned over the years how to cope and avoid certain triggers. (Although, not all of them can be avoided.) Because of this I'm not sure if I am or not. So what do you guys think?
I kind of just glanced through this - perused it, that's the word i wanted - but to me you sound trans. It reminds me a lot of myself. I never pictured myself having kids. Periodically i would desire for the standard fulfillment as a stay at home mom but i think that was more out of desperation for some meaning, for a role, for fulfillment, when there was none. I never actually wanted kids or had any desire for a husband. I'm wearing a red plaid shirt, my chemical romance shirt, and a pair of jeans and its such a feeling of elation to see myself in the mirror like this. I prefer and am much more comfortable in a binder. Growing up i always felt wrong, different, somehow but could not put a word to it. Only once at age like 6 or 7 did i have a clear "i'm a boy" moment while playing with my then best friend, but i remember the sense of being out of place more than the mental declaration. And it was just that once, the only thing that stuck was the sense of being out of place. I was totally oblivious to being a boy and liking girls growing up its ridiculous. So don't let not knowing when you were growing up - or something similar - make you feel invalidated in your identity. Explore it. Experiment irl with clothes and a binder and pronouns if you can. Make a boy identity online and see how that goes.
Honestly, I just asked a little while ago for this thread to be deleted, since I couldn't go back to try and shorten the post. Plus I started panicking and regretting I made this thread in the first place. But anyways, making a boy identity online to experiment with might be my only option to experiment at the moment, since I'm barely out about my sexuality and I don't feel safe enough to tell my mom regarding this whole gender identity thing. Thanks for replying btw.
You've got options if you're old enough to have a part time job. I'm not out either and i have a binder and wear exclusively men's shirts.
Obtaining binders and clothes isn't an issue at the moment. My current bust size is way too large still for anything to work, so I have to lose a good amount of weight and get a breast reduction before binders are even an option. I honestly can't wait though for everything to start to come together. Since it was already an amazing moment when I first saw myself with short hair, then I wonder what it'll be like to see the finished product.
You don't have to physically transition if you don't want to. I had (and have) a hard time figuring this kind of stuff out about myself too. My parents aren't necessarily super religious but they aren't exactly supportive of this kind of thing either. It's up to you if you want to identify as trans, non-binary, or whatever else. Trans just means feeling like a guy in a chic's body. If you don't like the way your body is right now, but you don't necessarily want to be a guy, I'd say gender neutral maybe?
